On the seventh day of Jheepsmas some loser gave to me...

Twas the night before Christmas.

And all through the mall,

Not a female was stirring.

It was was wall to wall balls.

That's right dudes. It's the last shopping day of Christmas. The day when only the truly saddest of the male species done their Santa hats.

Why do so many lame guys go shopping in Santa hats anyway? I think they're the same guys that start sporting shorts in March. Their female equivalent is the Halloween devil horn office girl.

And prepare to rage their way through the mall to obtain some half recalled Christmas wish for their significant other that they're sure to get wrong if it's not already sold out.

What are you talking about?! It's totally an iPhone, look!!

Well what if I told you that you didn't have to go out shopping today? What if I told you that you could sit right there and watch the endless reruns of Family Guy (that you don't want to watch but will) and not spend a penny this Christmas? I know it sounds unbelievable but for a large percentage of you guys out there, it's true. You can give the girl in your life the greatest gift of all this Christmas and it will only take you 5 minutes and you won't loose a cent. Just go into the bathroom. Turn on the light. Pick up your razor. And shave that stupid facial hair you have off!

She doesn't like it. I know she says she does but she doesn't, trust me.

So you with the beard!

Lose it! I know she says it makes you look manly but it bothers her when you kiss and it smells like your lunch. And thanks to guys like you this exists.

Shave it. Shave it now. And don't even think about mentioning Zach Galifianakis or you're shaving it dry.

And you with the mustache!

It's had its day. Every man needs to grow one now and then but Movember is over and it's time to move on. If you really wish to reinvent yourself as a Victorian English cad get a subscription to the Chap and learn to do it whole assed. Thanks to guys like you Urban Outfitters has an entire page of moustache related products.

Mr. Goatee... I'm looking your way.

Come on man. Even you know this is wrong. Do you know why they call it a goatee? Because it makes you look like a goat! Or some sort of goat/man. WOmen don't want to be with a goat/man. Remember Goat Boy? Remember how lame he was?

Shudder.

Yeah that's you. Unless you're a bass player in a speed metal band where a goatee is a requirement, it's time to shave.

And finally we come to you soul patch. 

I see you sitting back there, snapping your fingers. That thing makes you look like you like jazz. There's nothing wrong with liking jazz. Only everyone hates people that like jazz. Don't be the jazz guy. I'm 99.9% sure you're girlfriend doesn't like jazz guys. And if she does, she's going to leave you for an actual jazz guy and then you're going to complain to all your friends that your girlfriend dumped you for a complete douche. One small sweep of the Bic can change all that.

Don't fight it guys. You know it's long overdue. And Just follow the instructions in this slightly homoerotic video that in no way promotes Gillette.

And have a very hairless Christmas.

On the sixth day of Jheepsmas some loser gave to me...

How many times have you been hanging with you're bros

Brostitute with Tim Roth from Tim Roth

Or hired brostitutes

and you're watching the big game or playing Halo and you get distracted by your wife or girlfriend teetering into the living room with a huge plate of snacks? You're all like, Oh shit, is she gonna fall? And you could get up and help her but you know if you do you're going to miss a goal or someone is going to kill your guy. Then while you're contemplating what you should do one of your other bros gets up and helps her and she says, Oh thank you Jerry and then gives you that look?

Dramatization

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Johnny, this happens to me allll the time. I know. I know bros. I feel ya. I feel ya. And it's like you could send her to Africa to learn to carry the stuff on her head.

That could be a party sub up there!

Or you could send her to Germany to become one of those Oktoberfest booby girls.

Look! They can carry like 8 beers!

And they're drunk!

But those are both pretty expensive Christmas gifts to get her and she'd probably think you were kind of insane. Lucky Uncle Johnny has got you covered once again with todays gift. The MAster Blaster hot dog and sub launching cannon!

The Master Blaster is a handheld Co2 powered launching device that can fire a hot dog or submarine sandwich up to 350 feet! With this baby, she could bring you your snacks without even coming in the room. But don't take my word for it. Watch this sonofabitch in action.

Majestic!

Off the top of my head I can think of about 843,000 reasons why this would make a perfect gift for any woman but here are just a few:

- Your husband just left for work and forgot his lunch again. You could run down the driveway in your robe waving his sack lunch like an idiot or you could load it into the Master Blaster, send him a text that reads, Think fast! and open the window.

- Maybe you're rich and like to eat at one of those long rich people tables. No need to nod at Jeeves when one of your guests asks for another foot long. Just slide it down the Master Blaster, adjust the dial to your table length and execute a perfect launch into her white gloved hand. Your guests will love it and your eccentricity will be the talk of the country club. Also all the money you save on butlers can be spent on desperately trying to hold on to your youth.

- It's made from aircraft aluminum. I don't really know what that means but I'm sure it's good.

- It's named after that giant retarded guy with the midget on his back that Mad Max had to fight.

File Photo: Former Prime Minister of Australia

- Here's a scenario. You awake in the morning to the sound of breaking glass. You turn on the light and there's that creepy handy man you hired last week standing at the foot of the bed with a bloody screwdriver. Don't panic. With the help of a pail of expired subs kept beside the bed, the Master Blaster has got you covered. Time to execute what I call the Double Tap. Launch one putrid sub to his upper bleachers and another to his gold seats. That'll teach him to keep his dangerous psychosis and disgusting urges to himself. (Or to not wake you to call an ambulance because he's severed his wrist on that glass door you asked him to fix.)

You see. Buy not buying her a Master Blaster hot dog and sub launching cannon you're actually putting your loved one at risk. It's the right thing to do.

Oh and don't forget to splurge on the custom sub foam cover. When it comes to entertaining. Women are all about the details

On the fifth day of Jheepsmas some loser gave to me…

You know why dudes always mess up Christmas gifts for their ladies? It’s because dudes always think about what they want and then try to project it onto their girl. You buy her lingerie because you want to see her in it. You buy her booze because she’s more fun when she’s drunk. You buy her Sleepy Hollow on Laserdisc because she keeps trying to throw your laserdisc player out.

Why does this exist?

You catching my wave dudes? Good. Today’s gift is just for the men out there with babies. (Babyless men go back to playing X-Box, shotgunning beers in the bathroom of your Bachelor Arms Apartment or generally not living your life like you’re in a McDonalds commercial.)Today’s gift is for the dude dads.

Today’s gift is…

Bugaboo Stroller Snow Tires!

Yes these are real . And yes the world has finally gone full retard. But this is where you get to cash in big time with mommy. You see every mother’s worst nightmare is to be pushing her new born baby along a snowy incline and to suddenly hit a rough patch and lose control. Sending her precious infant and equally precious Bugaboo stroller careening into oncoming traffic or perhaps a prohibition Chicago cops and mobsters shoot out.



If you’re still not convinced of how scared mothers are of losing control of their stroller then try getting an old stroller, filling full of cheap meat and pushing it into traffic around a group of mothers. Trust me they FREAK. Look guys. There’s not a whole lot else to say about this. Even if she doesn’t know about the Bugaboo Snow Tires, you know that one of her friends (the one you hate) is going to get a set and brag about them and then she’s going to demand them. Either way you’re out $74.95. Why not be proactive and get in her good books? You can always bring it up when she catches you doing this.

I think this might be the Toronto Zoo. Yes, they have raccoons. No, I don’t know why. Yes, I hope they feed them garbage.

And for those of you that don’t even have a Bugaboo stroller… Look. If you’re babies mother isn’t pushing your screaming, shitting little miracle 40 feet to Starbucks in anything but a Bugaboo, she might as well be blowing crack smoke in your baby’s face.

Good night!

On the fourth day of Jheepsmas some loser gave to me…

Now that your bed doesn’t smell like 15 hour old McGriddles, your special lady friend just might be in the mood to attempt relations.

Holiday File Photo: Relations.

So this is the perfect time to introduce gift number 4. The Rammstein Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da Boxset.

For the 99 to 100% of you that have forgotten who Rammstein is, here’s a refresher.

Hmm, why do I get the feel that living in Germany is like being trapped in a first year media-arts student film that never ends?

Yes, the Du Hast guys! They’re still making albums. And that’s not all they’re making as you can plainly see. Rammstein’s new album Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da (love Is For All) is available in a boxset that not only comes with a copy of the album but also a pair of industrial strength handcuffs (the only way they’re going to get someone to stay and listen to the whole thing) plus 6 dildos and lube. Love is for all indeed! Maybe they should have called the album Ganze Reihe Von Liebe.

No way! I’ll sue!

Oh da?! Well dat is mine Zeppelin. I make with the sue!

Alright, alright. We’ll keep it at Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da and no one will get sued. Even though I don’t think a ghost can sue a living person. I’m looking at you captain Pruss.

I successfully sued the makers of Road House 2.

Ok, everyone shut-up! No one’s even listening to you anyway. They’re all still staring at those dildos. And I know what you’re all wondering. The answer is, yep. All 6 dildos are modeled after the band members…

wait for it…

members. (Ta da!)

Could there be a sexier Christmas gift for your loved one? Just look at what you’re getting:

You’ve got lead singer Till Lindemann’s weiner.

Here he is dressed as some sort of cross between Elmer Fudd, the Tin Man and a Mime.

Lead guitar and backing vocals singer Richard Z. Kruspe’s schnitzel.

Here he is in a rare performance as the Little Drummer Boy in the Utah Alternative High School’s presentation of a Matrix Christmas.

Backing guitarist Paul H. Lander’s Lederhose.

Industrial Accustic?

And we’re only half way there! Make some room for:

Bass player Oliver Ollie Riedel’s hump lumber.

That’s a BIG diaper he’s wearing ladies! If you know what I mean. Wink. Wink.

Christopher Doom Schneider’s Drum Stick.

I’m sure there’s A Schneider’s hot dogs joke to be made here somewhere.

And don’t forget keyboardist Christian Flake Lorenz

What woman wouldn’t want a rubber replica of this man’s penis?

As you can see this box of pure hell is something special. And even after your lover is shocked and sickened opening it on Christmas morning it can be pushed away into the bottom of a cupboard to be discovered by your future children and grandchildren. The Rammstein Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da boxset has the power to disturb and horrify generation after generation. Still not convinced? How about another look at lead singer Till Lindemann.

This Christmas make love for everyone! And shame and confussion and revultion and embaressment…

On the third day of Jheepsmas some loser gave to me…

Some of you dudes might be thinking of getting a little something special to wear under the mistletoe this year. Two words… Please don’t.

No woman wants to have her Christmas ruined by having to watch you smuggle your budgie in Santa’s beard. Not to mention the absolute horror show you’ll put on should you actually get aroused in a pair of those. Don’t forget the lessons learned from the infamous BallBra.

Besides, I’ve got something much better to cover yourself with in the bedroom: the Better Marriage Blanket.

better marriage blanket @ Yahoo! Video

That’s right it’s a blanket that neutralizes fart stink!

Much like lingerie, it’s a gift for her as much as a gift for you. Couple it with a pair of good quality ear protectors.

Those who bought the Better Marriage Blanket also bought ...

And she will no longer be awakened and sickened by your noxious, McRib fueled, trumpeting farts. This one’s a no brainer guys. Just look at what you’re getting according to the  Official Better Marriage Blanket Website:

- A real solution to a real problem. (Another solution to this problem might be to not order the Beer and Cheddar soup at Jack Astor’s).

- Odor absorption will last for the life of the blanket. (Think of it as a biological scrapbook of your marital bliss.)

- It doesn’t need frequent washing. Simply refresh the blanket from time to time out in the sun. (Forget Facebook and the Twitter. Think about how much more fulfilling life will be for your special lady friend when she’s meeting up with her friends face to face in a sunny park as they all air out their fart blankets together.)

- A stylish choice of white beige or blue. (Be warned though. No matter what colour you choose they will all end up somewhat beige.)

- A blanket made from the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons. (This might be a bit of an overkill but it’s better to be safe than sorry. With the way fast food is going these days we may very likely see Gulf War Syndrome like illnesses befalling those that are forced to cohabitate with enthusiasts of the KFC Double Down.)

Face it guys. Despite what your mom or strippers say about you

Sometimes both.

You’re gross and you stink. And unless your wife is a REALLY big James Joyce fan or asked for this last Christmas.



She thinks you stink too. If you want a better marriage for Christmas, this blanket has got you covered. Zing!

On the first day of Jheepsmas...

The season is upon us. And by the looks of Santa up there, I'd say the second phase of rigger is upon him. (The key is the bloating First stage corpses tend to, more or less, keep their original shape.) There's only se7en shopping days left until Christmas! (Ok, 6. This is posted lated. I'm busy too you know.)

File Photo: Saturday!

Not that it matters. I know all you out there are done your shopping. The only people still shopping now are those sad losers that wait until the last minute. Those shitty husbands, those meat-head boyfriends, those frazzled dads, those weekend dads.. That's right, men.

File Photo: You!

Dudes! You've only got one person to shop for and you can't even get that right! You're running around swearing you're not going to get her a gift card (news flash, you are) and you're pushing and shoving in La Senza to get her that Mrs. Claus/Mrs. Elf/Something to do with Christmas whore lingerie set for $40  in RED (because the green one is trashy). And the whole drive home you're thinking of what you should have said to that guy with the glasses that took your parking space and you're thinking of the first 3 moves you would have used on him had he responded to your battle cry of, you fucking shitty shit with the windows rolled up.

You in front of the mirror 3 hours later with 2 Coors Lights in you.

Let's face it. You need help. And thankfully, Uncle Johnny Creepy is here for you. I'm going to give you not 1 but  Se7en perfect gift ideas for the lady in your life. (Or the lady that will be in your life once she realizes that all those phone calls and window wanks are romantic.) One present for each day this week. Let's Begin.

On the first last day of Christmas some loser gave to me....

The   Prayer Cross Neckless from Montebello Collections!

Not convinced by that shitty picture and the promise that you've seen in it on TV?

Watch the commercial.



Still not convinced??!!

Let me tell you why this gift rules:

- It's made from Austrian Crystal! (You know the guys next to the Germans make good stuff.)

- It comes with a certificate of authenticity! (Because counterfeiting this would be very profitable and we all need to be careful.)

- It comes in both child and adult sizes! (If you're dating a midget you don't want her straining her neck lugging around the adult size. That might ruin Christmas Eve La Senza night.)

- It comes with a beautiful display box that you can open for her just like it's something really important! (That snooty looking bitch in the red bob looked impressed.)

Trust me fellas. Click on the link, giver her a wink, and prepare your dink. The Prayer Cross Neckless is a guaranteed action gift.

High-five!