I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0032

Last week I took Mutton to the vet. She had to get a shot to make sure she doesn’t get rabies. When dogs get rabies they get all mean and bitey. Like Cujo.

And then when the dog bites you. You get all mean and bitey. Like Bud the C.H.U.D.

Or maybe you just die. I don’t know. Who do you think I am, Dr. Pet Vet?

Now this little fellow will give you inflammation of the brain.

Regardless, rabies is the closest thing we have to a real zombie outbreak disease so we’ve got to keep a lid on it. After Mutton got her shot the vet was giving her a look over and he checked her teeth and said she had tarter on them. I don’t know why, I give her Dentastix all the time.

 They're supposed to clean her teeth and keep her from having dog breath.

File Photo: Dog breath.

So the vet goes into this spiel about how you can buy this special food and how you can brush her teeth and everything and I’m thinking, Come on. I barely take care of my own teeth. But I guess teeth are important to dogs. They don’t have hands. So I guess I’m going to have to try and brush them. Either that or get her dentures. Can you get dentures for dogs? I know you can get fake replacement balls for dogs that have been neutered. It’s true. They’re called Neuticles.

They’re like breast implants but they go into your dogs empty sack so that you he feels like more of a man or something. They also make good earrings.

But I’m getting off topic here. Magic Internet. Come here boy. Come on boy.

Question 32: Can you get false teeth for dogs?

Magic Internet Answer: It is a rare treat when you come to me with a question that is both stupid and interesting, Johnny. So I shall do my best to answer it fully. Dentures have been made and fitted for dogs. The first doctor to do so was Dr. D. Fosland from Aberdeen, Scotland back in 1938.

Cool I wonder if Mackenzie boy is related to Spuds Mackenzie?

Spuds needed a false set of lips so he could motorboat all those Bud girls’ jugs.

Yes, Johnny. Thank you for your input. Modern veterinarian practice frowns upon full dentures for canines as they are difficult to keep in the dog’s mouth and are difficult to clean. If your dog does loose teeth, most veterinarians will suggest that you switch your pet to a soft food diet. However dental implants are an option. A TTA procedure for a dog will cost between $2,200 - $2,500 per tooth. The fluctuation in the price is based on the size of the dog and the amount of anesthetic that needs to be used. This price also includes a pre-surgery exam, antibiotic and pain medication prescription for 10 days and 3 post-operation exams not to mention the surgery and the tooth its self. The implant is made from a titanium screw most often capped with a ceramic tooth. Although some doctors are opting for a crown made form hydroxyapitite, a calcium phosphate ceramic. Using this material may help with bone growth on to the metal screw. It was also used as a coating for leg implants in a cat called Oscar.

Tank treads would have been better but at least he’s a shoe in (zinger) for Pet Cemetery III

Well thanks MI. Those would be some pretty expensive teeth. I better go out and get Mutton a tooth brush. Either that or pick up an old set of falsies from the TTC lost and found along with a can of gravy and some crazy glue. Check ya later.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

CSI: Trivial Revulsion Unit.

There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you all. Something very disturbing. A few months ago I found out that someone had been taking shits in my building!

That’ll get you a husband.

And I’m not talking about shits in the toilets of my building. Of course people take shits there. (Except maybe some of the old people. Some of them look and act like they haven’t taken a shit in months.)

3 months 4 days on the left. 8 and 12 on the right.

No I’m talking about some filthy animal defecating in the garbage room and the hallways. (Of the 21st and 22nd floors to be precise.) I did not bear witness to the offensive leavings first hand and for this I am truly thankful. I don’t know if any of you have come across human shit outside of its natural environment.

New pet turd natural habitat aquarium! Self cleaning!

Living in a buzzing metropolis as I do does have its downsides and let me tell you, it is not a pretty sight. It looks all black and sloppy and disgusting and there’s usually some sort of wiping implement next to it. Allow me to demonstrate. If you’re eating chocolate pudding or a hearty beef stew, take a bite….


See, it’s disgusting. I pick up my dog’s shit everyday no problem but coming within 10 feet of something like that up there leaves a lasting psychological scar. Who would subject people to that? My original plan was to bring together some of the world’s greatest sleuths to help me identify this butt muck bandit.

The inclusion of toilet paper tells us 2 things. That the shitting was premeditated and that the shitter was left handed.

Err, umm, just one more question Mr. Peterson. Did you have corn for dinner last night?

But it turns out that all of my super sleuths aren’t really sleuths at all. They’re just actors that solve mysteries on TV. And on top of that, most of them are dead. All is not lost though. I’ve read my fare share of Ian Rankin novels and I’ve watched my fare share of First 48 episodes. Detective Johnny Creepshow Shit Investigator will take the case.

Someone get me my mirror shades and my Who tape.

Let’s start by taking a better look at the crime scene. My building is not one of these building where human defecation in common areas is to be expected. I do not live in one of those buildings like in Coming to America.

I’d also like to add that my building has good working plumbing and that each separate dwelling contains (I hope) a toilet. Now if the shitting only took place on one floor and was only confined to the relative privacy of the garbage room we could entertain the theory that the shitter was in a desperate situation and unable to gain access to a toilet. (Lost his keys, first date with a hot girl, roommate masturbating in their shared bathroom etc…). But no, the shitting took place on multiple floors and in the hallway. What does this tell us? It tells us that our suspect is clearly deranged and that the shit is not only a manifestation of the suspect’s mental instability but that it is also a message to others around him. If the shitting was purely a symptom of one’s decent into madness then we would expect it to continue but it seems to have stopped. If we can figure out who these analy authored messages are for. Then we will be one step closer to unmasking our shiter.

Possible message recipients:

Building Management

An obvious choice. Every tenant at one time or another has a complaint about their building landlord/management. But to go the extreme of shitting in your own building? It doesn’t seem right. Besides, the management office is in the other building right across the parking lot. Why not shit there? Or you could even mail it to them like in Pink Flamingos.

The Cleaning Staff.

Another viable target as they will be the ones that have to clean it up. Perfect revenge for one who has been slighted by them. But who would take offence to the cleaning staff? They’re all very nice and they do a good job. That only leaves one other recipient

Neighboring Tenants.

They are the most likely targets. People often become disgruntled by their neighbors. And as the feuding goes on, things can escalate and get a bit of hand.

Based on all the information available and the lack of further evidence (thankfully) I have narrowed my investigation down to three suspects. They are as follows.

Suspect 1: The lady that lives above me.

I’ve only met her a couple of times but I’m pretty sure this is her.

One time she came down and knocked on my door and told me to leave her stuff alone or she would call the cops on me. It turns out she’s crazy and knocked on all the doors around her because she thought her neighbors were stealing her stuff. Actually she’s probably not responsible for shitting in the hall but I’m going to say she is because I don’t like her and it’s my investigation. (Innocent people get convicted of things they didn’t do all the time.)

Suspect 2: That weird blonde kid.

He’s like this but uglier.

There used to be a bunch of kids that would run around the halls of my building leaving candy wrappers and bits of food on the floor. Mostly they were just kids being kids but the blonde on was creepy. I a have yet to establish a motive for him but he was once witnessed out back peeing on a mop and chasing the other kids with it. He is now a teenager and it’s not hard to envision him escalating from mop peeing to hallway shitting. Also his mom comes out onto their balcony in her underwear all the time. That’s got to mess him up.

Suspect 3: The bum that used to sleep out back.

My main suspect. We had a homeless, druggy guy that used to sleep on a ledge behind our building. He was really annoying because he would leave his old socks and all his weird junky shit back there and sometimes if I was out back in the park with the dog and she barked he would yell at her to shut up. Nobody liked him and various methods were employed to try and get him to leave including threats, police and throwing cold water on him/his stuff. Eventually they put up fencing so he could no longer get at his ledge. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he held a grudge against the tenants of my building. Maybe while he was laying back there pretending to sleep he was secretly listening to the conversations of the people in the dog park and gaining information as to which floors the people he disliked most lived on. Bums are no strangers to public defecation. He may have slipped in behind someone coming in through the front doors and headed upstairs to exact his smelly revenge. Perhaps after his last dump he was spotted in the lobby and deemed it too risky to attempt further shits. Or perhaps he’s biding his time. Knowing that revenge is a dump best served cold and he will strike again when we lease expect it. I never got a decent look at him, so I best keep my eye out for any down and out in my neighborhood with a shifty look in his eye.

I googled the word shifty and all I got was this washed up mess from Crazytown. He is now a suspect too.

Sadly this is a case that has also grown cold and I am left with the sickening thought shared by many a detective on the hunt of a serial killer. I have no chance of catching my man (you know it’s a man) unless he strikes again. And with that being said, let’s hope this forever remains an unsolved mystery.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0031

Knut the polar bear died on Saturday. So sad.

5 December 2006 – 19 March 2011 R.I.P.

They say that his death was due to significant changes in his brain. Some said he was schizophrenic and that he craved all the fame and attention that he received earlier in life.

He was on the cover of German Vanity Fair after all.

But I don’t think that’s what killed him. Lack of fame and attention isn’t fatal. This picture is proof of that.

But it’s scary to think that bears can be schizophrenic. Schizo people are scary enough but bears?! Thinking about that makes me want to brush up on my bear attack survival skills.

One survival tip not mentioned in that helpful and informative video is if you’re being chased by a bear, try to run down hill. Bears back legs are shorter than their front legs so they can’t run as fast down hills. But the bear will still probably catch you. Most bears can run about 60 kilometers an hour and a schizo bear has the added power of being mental.

File Photo: Schitzo bear washing you down with Pepsi.

I wonder how fast bigfoots can run? I bet they’re pretty fast. I’m going to find out.

Question 31: How fast can bigfoots run?

Magic Internet Answer: The simple answer to this highly stupid question is that bigfoots cannot run at all as they do not exist. There is no credible documented evidence that states otherwise. But for the sake of your pitiful blog I will give you an answer based on the questionable evidence that some claim is real. The most common and well documented bigfoot evidence is photographs and castings of their footprints.

If these are to be believed we can estimate the average size of a bigfoot as being 8 feet tall and that they possess a measured stride of 3 to 4 feet. There is also possible evidence of a mid-tarsal break. This coupled with the strength of the animal would suggest that a bigfoot could run at a speed of 55 to 65 kilometers an hour. Which is about the same average speed as a bear.

They also both like fish!

Cool Magic Internet but there’s one theory you didn’t review when you came up with your answer. The theory that bigfoots are alien built robots like the one the Six Million Dollar Man faught.

Now who’s stupid?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0030

When I was young I got this VHS tape at a garage sale called Hollywood Bloopers Uncensored.

I bought it for like a dollar and at the time I thought I was getting something really bad, like an adult movie but it turned out to be bad as in terrible. Just these poorly edited meaningless outtakes from old television shows. There was nothing racy or raunchy about it. I think Don Rickles might have said shit. But there was one scene I remember with Mister Rogers in it where he goes to answer the front door on his set and when he opens it there’s a topless woman there screaming. Thinking back on it I don’t even think it was a real clip. I think they just superimposed the screaming woman in the door. I’m going to have to find another copy of that tape and see. But in the mean time I’m going to reminisce about Mister Rogers. I loved him when I was a kid.

Did you know that he met the Dali Lama?

Mister Lama gave Mister Rogers a Cheryl Tiegs poster. That’s it under his arm.

He also met George W. Bush.

Bush gave him hologram human eye medallion.

Like this.

There’s a statue of Mister Rogers in Pittsburgh.

But it’s scary and looks like it was hastily made out of dog turds.

I like this dinosaur statue of him better.

And look! He even got to hug a gorilla!

I’d LOVE to hug a gorilla. Even though they have crazy BO and every time I try to picture myself hugging one it ends up crushing me to death.

Some people think Mister Rogers is evil.

But he wasn’t. He was a nice man. My favorite part of his show was when he’d first come in and change into his cardigan and sneakers.

Where was he coming from anyway? I always thought he was coming home from work. Because that’s what my dad did. He’d come home from work and take of his suit jacket and put on a sweater just like Mister Rogers. So what did Mister Rogers do? Did he have a job? Where did he work? Did he ever talk to his fellow employees about the Neighborhood of Make Believe? Let’s visit the Neighborhood of Magic Internet and find out.

Question 30: Where did Mister Rogers work?

Magic Internet Answer: Mister Rogers never mentioned any place of business or form of employment during his recorded segments of Mister Roger’s Neighborhood. But we may be able to develop some hypothesis based on observation. Upon entering his dwelling Rogers was always dressed in what could be described as traditional business attire. (a shirt, a tie, a jacket, dress shoes etc.) So it is safe to say that he did not work at a factory or a construction site or anywhere that required a uniform. It would also appear that Mister Rogers lived alone. One such profession that requires Roger’s style of dress and has a high divorce rate is that of the homicide detective. But Roger’s lack of a firearm under his jacket when he removes it suggests otherwise. As does his lack of knowledge regarding inner city youth culture that can be seen in this clip:

In truth Mister Rogers only job was that of an actor, presenter and puppeteer on his show. You were not watching him walk into his home after a day’s work. You were watching him walk onto a set. Let me show you.

Man! So Mister Rogers had no real job. That would have blown my mind as a child. You know who else had no job? Mr. Robinson!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0029

There was an albino boa constrictor on CP24 this morning. It looked just like that one that Salma Hayak dances with in From Dusk Til Dawn.

I was kind of hoping it would strangle the host Steve Anthony like that snake did to the stripper in Striptease after her original snake dies and they went out and got her another snake and didn’t tell her.

I couldn’t find a video of that but here’s a picture of the best part of Striptease.

Burt Reynolds covered in Vaseline.

What is it with strippers and snakes? Why do guys like to watch a woman dance with a snake? Is it because they think it’s exotic? Or do they imagine the snake is their wiener or something?

Ladies, if you want to attract a man don’t go for the low cut top. Go for this:

Bonus: Check out the photographer’s genius inclusion of the ladder. Get it?!

I haven’t seen that good use of props in a photo shoot since Bachelor Party.

Hey have you ever seen that guy that’s trying to become a snake?

I’d like to see him fight that guy that’s trying to become a cat.

Or I’d like to see them both fight the Giant Gonzales.

In his weird air-brushed muscles nude suit.

Oh wait, he’s dead. Ok, so they’ll have to fight each other. I wonder who would win? They’ve both got weird tattoos and sharp teeth. But cat man has cat plastic surgery and whiskers. But wait! Snake man has a forked tongue!

What’s with snake tongues anyway? Why do they have two end bits? All the other creatures have just one end bit. Some of them are really long.

But still… only one end bit.

Let’s ask the Magic Internet about that.

Question 29: Why do snakes (and some lizards I guess) have two end bits on their tongues?

Magic Internet Answer: What you are referring to Johnny is a forked tongue and what you call end bits are tines. Forked tongues are a form of evolution that has developed in squamate reptiles (snakes and some lizards). You see, a snake uses its tongue to sense chemicals in the atmosphere. It uses this sense in the same way that you humans use your eyes to see. And just as two eyes are better than one, for the snake two tongues (or two tines) are better than one. Having a split tongue allows a snake to sense chemicals in a larger surface area and it allows a snake to sense chemicals in different directions. The information is then processed by the vomeronasal or jacobson’s organ. A snake’s jacobson’s organ is so sensitive that it can differentiate minute quantities of chemical scent on each tine of the snake’s tongue and use that data to inform the snake which direction the scent is coming from. Be it the dangerous scent of a mongoose. Or the delicious scent of a mouse.

Or the dangerous AND delicious scent of Ice Cube.

As for the gentleman you mentioned earlier who is altering his appearance to resemble a snake; I can see no benefit to be gained by his forked tongue. In fact it may hinder his speaking ability.

Maybe Mike the Situation should get a forked tongue. 

He doesn't neeed to speak, he's got his abs and maybe with a forked tongue he would be able to sense sooner that the women he brings home are total skanks and then he wouldn’t have to call them grenades and throw them out because they don’t want to put on Ed Hardy pajamas and have sex with him.

Maybe Johnny. Maybe.

But thanks Magic Internet. Snakes are misunderstood creatures and the more we can learn about them, the more we can right the wrongs of numerous action movies.

van damme owned snake by aucun-honneur

Check Ya Later.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Be affraid. Be VERY affraid. Black pink, black pink, black pink.

A while back I was talking about some of the things that scared me when I was a little kid. I don’t think any of those things I mentioned still scare me now, except maybe the vacuum cleaner. Both Mutton and I still feel uneasy around that thing. But it could be worse.

Yes. It could be much, much worse.

But today I wanted to talk about some of the things that scare me now as an adult. Some people might think that as you grow older your irrational fears ebb. But I feel that as I’ve aged and gained a greater sense of the world and its revolting contents, my new found wisdom has only replaced my childhood fears with ones that are very real and very scary. Fears such as...

Flash mobs.

Have you ever seen interpretive dance?

If I was their parents upstairs I’d rather imagine they were down there having a round-robin HJ contest than this.

It’s awful. What makes it even worse is that the people that do it think it’s important, that it’s art and that it means something. It means about as much as the worst episode of Blosom and by that I mean it’s a horrible uncomfortable jheepsfest!

Jheeps off to ya!

But the good news is that we don’t have to watch this. How many of you stopped that video after about 30 seconds? I know I did. But these flash mob things could happen anywhere and at any time.

Could you imagine being caught in the middle of that?! Fuck! That would be the Jheeps equivalent of being publically gang raped. I really don’t think I could handle it. I think I’d just have to point myself in the direction of the nearest exit, close my eyes and just start running and swinging.

Being pushed in front of a subway train.

Don’t ask me why but I think about this nearly every time I’m waiting for a train.

I guess it’s because every city with a subway system seems to have a few stories about some crazy man that pushed people onto the tracks. And Toronto is no different. Normally when I wait for the train I stand near the wall. But if I do that during rush hour I’m never going to get on the train. So I have to stand there in a state of tensed up, cat-like readiness. Eyeing the people around me and trying to decide which one looks the craziest and vowing to myself that if I can’t stop him, than at least I’m going to take him down with me.

Yep, I’m gonna die.

But if there’s a flash mob on that platform… push away Nicholas. Push. Away.

Seeing homeless people masturbating/doing it.

Someone once said that the greatest fear is the fear of anticipation or the fear of the unknown.


I have had the misfortune of witnessing both of these events listed above and I never, ever wish to witness them again. The first such incident was back when I was in my teens and used to be into Graffiti. There used to be a roof top somewhere around Yonge & Bloor that a lot of people used to paint on. It was nicknamed AC Gardens because of all the air conditioners up there. One night we were going up there to check it out and we were faced with the eye bleaching sight of a homeless couple going at it on an old office chair. We couldn’t see much in the dark but it was more than enough. Sort of like a collection of rags and pale body parts. I’d liken it to when you’re shown a picture of an accident victim and at first you’re thinking, What is that? What am I looking at? And then it all comes into focus and it’s, Ohhhh. Oh god. Oh god no!

Welcome back ever body and if you’re just joining us, let me recap what you’ve missed. I’m getting it in!
And as for my other traumatizing experience…

It was a Saturday afternoon, late spring. A friend and I had just been at the Madison watching a soccer game. Since the weather was nice we decided to take a walk over to the Duke of Gloucester for some post-match libations. It was around College and Huron that tragedy struck. There was a phone booth  with a homeless man sitting in it. His legs splayed out onto the sidewalk. As I moved to side step them I heard a low, groaning giggle. I looked down and wished I never had. The munchkin was out and it was being thoroughly punched.

To this day I can’t walk through that area without feeling uneasy. Sometimes I wonder if the wanking hobo has passed on and that it is his ghost that now sends a shiver up my spine?

Wooooo! Black, pink, black, pink, black pink. Wooooooooo! Black, pink, black, pink, black pink.

Having a kid that’s into bad music.

I’ve always said that if I have kids, I’d like them to be free to grow up into what they want to be. But I think I’d have a really, really hard time if they grew up to be into bad music.

Now I don't think I could ever raise a Juggalo.

I'm pretty sure it takes some serious child abuse to wind up with something this retarded.

But what if he gets into new country? Or what if for some unexplainable reason Billy Joel gains a cult following among the youth of tomorrow?

If I have to hear this blaring out of my kid's room every day I may very well start a fire.

Or what if my son becomes one of those horrible generic gangster rap loving beater kids?!

File Photo: My personal hell.

Blasting his horrible rap music all day or his horrible R&B out of his phone. Buying cheap cigars and filling them full of cheap weed because Dr. Dre or someone mentioned it in a song 20 years ago. Telling everyone they're a bitch through his headset while he plays Call of Duty. Fuck!

And the pants thing.

And the stupid giant t-shirt thing.

And the Scarface.
The god damn fucking Scarface!

I just don't know if I could take that. And there's nothing you can do. They want you to object. You know what? I'd have to join him. I'd have to get my own baggy shit. My own stupid walk. And shame him into changing. It's the only way.

That's it. I'm going to look out my old Funk Doobiest CD right now. Good luck sleeping tonight adults. Woooooo. Black, pink black, pink.