I’m a close personal friend of David Lee Roth.

Someone near and dear to be sent me this link for a celebrity impersonators website called Lookalike. She wanted me to see how funny and shitty some of the impersonators are.
One’s like:

Simon Cowell as a vampire in Dusk Til Dawn

Looks like shit Michael Douglas.

Penis touching Kid Rock with hypnotizing pink nips.

Looks like shit/looks like he’s taking a shit George Burns.

Guess. Come on, just try to guess. Give up? It’s David Lee Roth. Seriously! Ah ha ha ha ha!

One of the things I like about the website is that they seem to have different tiers of impersonators for the same celebrity. Let me show you.

You can get tier 1 Jennifer Aniston.

Or you can get tier 4 Jennifer Garbage Can.

You can get tier 1 Gath Brookes.

Or you can get tier 4 assistant manager at Canadian Tire with a cowboy hat and a guitar Brookes.

Or how how about tier 1 Donald Trump?

Versus tier 2 Donald’s corpse found in a trunk.

There are so many Michael Jackson’s that I don’t even want to look. Tier 8 MJ is probably so bad that he's just the real Fred Durst wearing the Jacket and Glove.

Shamon for the nookie!

Who hires these celebrity impersonators? Does anyone really think that having some assclown that barley looks like someone famous is going to liven up their party?

Ok, maybe having the the 3 for 1 Caddyshack guys might.

But you know what? Maybe you could have some fun hiring celebrity impersonators. For instance you could hire a Tom Cruise lookalike and then take him to Remingtons.

Or better yet, use him to try and get into the Scientology building and find out what’s really going on in there.

I knew it!

Or throw a party and tell everyone that some celebrity is a close personal friend of yours and they’re going to be dropping by. You can even hire fake paparazzi to help sell it to your guests. It might be a good idea to hire two of the same impersonator and keep one hidden. That way if one of your guests smells a rat you can bring out the other one to call the first one a phony and then have them fight. Or fuck it, have them fight any way. Remember when Van Damme fought Van Damme in Double Impact. That was awesome!

This part was awesome too.

Or tell the impersonator beforehand that you want them to come as one of their characters. Then tell your guests you saw your celebrity friend Tom Hanks taking a bunch of pills earlier and now he won’t stop being Forest Gump.

Don’t forget to slip away before the cops and ambulance arrive.

You could try hiring the younger version of a celebrity and still swear they’re the real thing.

What do you mean that can’t be Harrison Ford? Hey Harrison! Show this chowder head the scar on your chin.

Or better yet, try to pass off a dead celebrity.

Well if Janis Joplin is dead then who did you just see walking away with 8 inches of party sub, huh asshole?

Or for the ultimate celebrity impersonator party experience, call up the agency about 2 months in advance and tell them to have one of their Elvis impersonators grow a beard. Then tell all your guests that Elvis is still alive and that he’s hiding out in your basement. Then make a big announcement. Something like:

Everyone thought the king died back in 1977. But as I’ve made privy to a few of you here tonight, I beg to differ. Elvis Priestly is alive and well and has been right here under our noses for the past 34 years, living in my basement. And now, just because it’s Jimmy’s bachelor party, the king, the one and only Elvis Priestly is going to come upstairs and perform for you just one last time!

Then have the impersonator come up stairs and sing Heartbreak Hotel while shaving off his beard with an electric razor. When they see that it really looks like him underneath. It will blow their fucking minds.

This is not a dream people Open your eeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeesssssss!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen. Johnny has left the building.



On the sixth day of Jheepsmas some loser gave to me...

How many times have you been hanging with you're bros

Brostitute with Tim Roth from Tim Roth

Or hired brostitutes

and you're watching the big game or playing Halo and you get distracted by your wife or girlfriend teetering into the living room with a huge plate of snacks? You're all like, Oh shit, is she gonna fall? And you could get up and help her but you know if you do you're going to miss a goal or someone is going to kill your guy. Then while you're contemplating what you should do one of your other bros gets up and helps her and she says, Oh thank you Jerry and then gives you that look?

Dramatization

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Johnny, this happens to me allll the time. I know. I know bros. I feel ya. I feel ya. And it's like you could send her to Africa to learn to carry the stuff on her head.

That could be a party sub up there!

Or you could send her to Germany to become one of those Oktoberfest booby girls.

Look! They can carry like 8 beers!

And they're drunk!

But those are both pretty expensive Christmas gifts to get her and she'd probably think you were kind of insane. Lucky Uncle Johnny has got you covered once again with todays gift. The MAster Blaster hot dog and sub launching cannon!

The Master Blaster is a handheld Co2 powered launching device that can fire a hot dog or submarine sandwich up to 350 feet! With this baby, she could bring you your snacks without even coming in the room. But don't take my word for it. Watch this sonofabitch in action.

Majestic!

Off the top of my head I can think of about 843,000 reasons why this would make a perfect gift for any woman but here are just a few:

- Your husband just left for work and forgot his lunch again. You could run down the driveway in your robe waving his sack lunch like an idiot or you could load it into the Master Blaster, send him a text that reads, Think fast! and open the window.

- Maybe you're rich and like to eat at one of those long rich people tables. No need to nod at Jeeves when one of your guests asks for another foot long. Just slide it down the Master Blaster, adjust the dial to your table length and execute a perfect launch into her white gloved hand. Your guests will love it and your eccentricity will be the talk of the country club. Also all the money you save on butlers can be spent on desperately trying to hold on to your youth.

- It's made from aircraft aluminum. I don't really know what that means but I'm sure it's good.

- It's named after that giant retarded guy with the midget on his back that Mad Max had to fight.

File Photo: Former Prime Minister of Australia

- Here's a scenario. You awake in the morning to the sound of breaking glass. You turn on the light and there's that creepy handy man you hired last week standing at the foot of the bed with a bloody screwdriver. Don't panic. With the help of a pail of expired subs kept beside the bed, the Master Blaster has got you covered. Time to execute what I call the Double Tap. Launch one putrid sub to his upper bleachers and another to his gold seats. That'll teach him to keep his dangerous psychosis and disgusting urges to himself. (Or to not wake you to call an ambulance because he's severed his wrist on that glass door you asked him to fix.)

You see. Buy not buying her a Master Blaster hot dog and sub launching cannon you're actually putting your loved one at risk. It's the right thing to do.

Oh and don't forget to splurge on the custom sub foam cover. When it comes to entertaining. Women are all about the details