I've got it all figured out.

Friday, April 30, 2010

This town needs an enema.

There is a place near where I live called the D’Avignon Digestive Health Centre.

It’s one of these places that offer colon hydro-therapy and coffee enemas.

Basically they stick a hose up your butt, spray a bunch of stuff up there, suck it out (or maybe you poo it out, I don’t know and don’t want to know) and they charge you for it.

the colon hydro-therapy is supposed to get out all the old poo that’s hanging around in your butt forever.

(Ha ha, the hippies are the poo.)

Supposedly John Wayne had 40lbs of the stuff in his colon when he died.

I always figured he walked that way because he fell off a horse or something.When they took it out of him it was sent to Hollywood and they used it to make Wild Wild West.

I guess if your diet consists of like 50 Slim Jims a day then colon hydro-therapy might be of benefit to you. But a coffee enema? That I just don’t get.

(I used to think this was an easier to fill hot water bottle and I always wanted one.)

Do you get to pick what kind of coffee goes in your ass? Is it hot? Can you have cream and sugar? Can you make it a latte? (No cinnamon this time, it makes my sphincter itch.) Can you have instant if you’re in a hurry?

And what does it do? Does it make the caffeine enter your system faster? Maybe it’s for people that are totally addicted to coffee but can’t take it through their mouth anymore. Like Stevie Nix, who did so much cocaine that she couldn’t take it up her nose anymore so she had to get someone to blow it up her ass with a straw.

Can you imagine working at this place? How much do you think they get paid? I don’t mean the nutritionist or whoever that feeds you a line of bullshit about how clearing out your ass is going to change your whole life. I mean like the assistant that has to stick hoses up peoples’ butts all day and then sit there and have small talk with them while watching all the poo come out. What ever it is it can’t be enough. That job is possibly worse then giving lap dances or working at a rub and tug parlor. I mean sure your customers are creepier but at least you’re not going to see their assholes (on a good day). Plus you’ve got to make more money hand –jobbing people then giving them enemas. Even if you don’t charge as much for an hj the customer turn around is probably faster. Maybe they supplement their meager income by selling all the used enema coffee to Coffee Time

(Only the homeless and the clinically insane go here.)

And you should see the people when they come out of there. They don’t look happy. They have that frightened embarrassed look of someone that’s been caught coming out of a sex shop.

(Thanks Google Street View!)

How do they think I feel? Seeing them is putting me off my Slim Jim.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

This just in: Gay comic turns gay!

Archie Comics is going to introduce a  homosexual character this year.

I am shocked and appalled! You mean to tell me that Archie Comics still exists? Even when I was a kid you couldn’t give those fucking things away. Surely whatever readership they’ve clung to over the last 20 years or so have died of old age or boredom by now.

(Last year’s Archie Comic Convention)

Now that I think about it I do seem to recall hearing something about Archie finally proposing to Betty or Veronica a year or so ago.

I don’t remember which one he picked because I don’t really give a shit. All I know is if it wasn’t Betty, that girl is going to go Travis the Chimp crazy due to her disturbing obsession with Archie.

So how is a gay character going to cope in Riverdale? Isn’t it perpetually like 1955 there? We all know how small towns in the 50s treated people that were different.

Does Riverdale even have any black people in it? Ok, I just checked, they do. Charles “Chuck” Clayton and his dad Floyd Clayton who is the high school basketball coach (way to think outside the box on that one Archie Comics). Oh, also Archie is in an inter-racial relationship with Josie from Josie and the Pussycats.

(Is that just a costume or is she some kind of manimal?)

So alright, if Riverdale has black people and manimals then maybe they are ready for a gay guy. The problem is they’re only introducing one. That means he’s going to have to seduce someone else from the Archie world. So who do you think swish Kevin Keller will wind up pouring the pork to? Let’s see who he has to choose from.

Archibald “Archie” Andrews

I can’t see it happening. If they made Archie gay, whatever is left of their geriatric fan base would suffer hate strokes. Besides, Archie never changes his clothes and nobody really likes gingers.

Forsyth Pendleton “Jughead” Jones III

Jughead is a definite possibility. He’s described as sarcastic and apathetic towards girls. But he’s also lazy and food obsessed. So Kevin might stay away. Unless he’s into  Feederism.

Reginald “Reggie” Mantel III

Reggie is a strong possibility. He’s sporty, aggressive and outgoing. Plus a deep-rooted closeted homosexuality would explain his mean spiritedness and bullying. He is a little self absorbed though.

Reggie might go the Liberace route and force Kevin to have plastic surgery and dress like him so he can have sex with himself.

Marmaduke “Moose” Mason

I don’t know. He’s seems a little too typical dumb jock to be anything more then a one night keg-stand. Although after seeing this I’m not so sure.

So who’s it going to be? It doesn’t matter. Archie has always been gay. Until recently it’s just been the lame and terrible gay. Now it will be every kind of gay. If I was gay I’d be less happy about gays breaking down a barrier by gaining a voice in this gay comic and more upset that gays are being associated with a comic that’s so gay. Anyway, I’ll leave you all pondering what the fuck this Archie comic means. Adios homos.

P.S. In 2003 Archie Comics issued a cease and desist letter to the Dad’s Garage Theatre Company in Atlanta the day before they were supposed to open a play about Archie coming out of the closet and moving to New York. The play was called Archie’s Weird Fantasy. Archie Comics thought that if Archie was portrayed as gay (in a terrible play at some tiny theatre that no one is going to see) that it would tarnish his image. And now look at them. See, I told you that gay comic is gay.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Like explorer's of old they've come for our corn.

Steven Hawking says that aliens undoubtedly exist and that we should be afraid of them .

Now if you ask me, Steven Hawking is kind of scary at first glance too but he is the smartest man alive. Don’t believe me? Why not go the route of the dumbest people alive and Google it.

What I’m trying to say is that sure, we’ve all been told to either watch out for aliens or be afraid of aliens but usually it’s from guys like this.

Now we’ve got Steven Hawking warning us. He seems to think that aliens will come and exploit Earth for its resources and treat us like explorers did the Indians. He said:

I imagine they might exist in massive ships... having used up all the resources from the planet below… Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they could reach. If so, it makes sense for them to exploit each new planet for materials to build more spaceships so they could move on.
Well they better get here soon. The way things are going this place is going to have less resources then the makers of The Incredible Melting Man.

I like the part at the end where it says, Come Prepared! With what a bucket? It does raise a valid point though. If these aliens are going to come down here and bogart are stuff we should be prepared. But how do we prepare for something we’ve never encountered? I guess the only thing we can do is examine the possible types of aliens that we’ve come up with so far. That means movie aliens. Let’s start with the first ones that come to mind.

The aliens from the Aliens movies.

The only thing that can stop these aliens is tough, dykey women.

So I say we take all the planet’s militant bull dykes.

Pair them with those women in jail that you see on Lock Down.

Arm them up and let them loose on those Alien aliens.

Either that or, provided the aliens acid blood isn’t folic acid (which will eat through rubber), we can just run them over with Monster Trucks.

The aliens from E.T.

Now E.T. aliens aren’t nearly as threatening as Alien aliens. They don’t have acid for blood and physically they’re about as capable as the last kid picked in gym.

What they do have though is some kind of mental powers and that freaky glow finger.

So here’s what we do. We all hide in the subway and lure the E.T.s down there with Reese’s Pieces (cell phone’s don’t work in the subway so I’m assuming neither will E.T. mind control). When they get down there, we grab em, step on their wrists, cut their fingers off and bash em to death with fish bats. Just like I saw a guy do to a sting ray down in Florida once. I wonder if he ate it? I don’t know what E.T.’s taste like but maybe they’re delicious like that alien Spewey from Get a Life.

E.T.’s also seem to like to bond with children.

We could trick them into bonding with some of those Indonesian child slave laborers and see who dies first making capri pants for Old Navy.

The Aliens from Mars Attacks

Mars aliens are mean little SOBs but at least they’re not too hard to kill. They can’t stand bad music.

Well if that’s the case then we’ve got unlimited ammo.

If they attack from the north…

If they attack from the south…

If they attack from the east…

And if they attack from the west…

You know what after looking at all that maybe we should just let them enslave us. How much worse can their music be?

The aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

These are more like those spooky real-deal aliens you hear about from abduction stories and Alien Autopsy.

These are the guys that come down here to mutilate our cows, unload crates of Bigfoots and anal probe hillbillies.

Yeah… no one’s really figured out a way to stop those aliens yet. So if they come on mass we’re kinda screwed. There is one piece of advice that might help but it doesn’t come from any movie alien. It comes from Lawrence next door in Office Space.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Grrrawwwwrrr! Wear a rubber.

Hey losers,

Long time since I rapped with ya. Around here at The Creepshow I usally like to keep things pretty clean

(1958-2009 RIP)

But today I want to talk to you all about a subject that’s got Canadians (well, Ontarians really) in an uproar.

Today I want to talk to you all about sex education (pulls up a chair and sits on it backwards). You see the government of Ontario recently came up with a plan to change Ontario schools’ sex education teaching. They want to start sex ed earlier. From Grade 1 on to be exact. That means 6 year olds would be learning sex ed. Why not go a step further with these?

It would be a gradual program that goes something like this:

Grade 1 kids would be taught to identify different genitalia and use the correct words for them such as vagina, penis and testicles. (Today’s fast paced texting, internet, iPhone youth don’t have time for all that so they just use the all encompassing phrase Junk).

(I bet she uses the right words.)

I don’t know why they’d bother. I’d assume most kids are taught this when they’re potty trained. Although I suppose no woman wants to wind up in bed with some guy that still calls it his dinky

Oh Baby! You turn me on… oh my dinky… OH My DINKY.

Grade 3 kids would learn about same sex families. I’m assuming that would involve watching episodes of My Two Dads.

Grade 5 kids will be taught to identify different parts of the reproductive system and about the changes the body goes through during puberty. The girls will no doubt receive a Growing Up Skipper Doll.

And the boys will be getting a little talk from this kid.

By Grade 7 kids will finally be ready to grasp the concepts of avoiding pregnancy (jump up and down) and avoiding infectious diseases (don’t sleep with this guy).

(But mom… he has a tattoo!)

They also learn about vaginal lubrication (riding in a Corvette) and oral and anal sex. I don’t think anyone needs to be taught about anal sex. I think if that’s something your interested in then your welcome to discover it on your own time. Maybe just a word of warning. There’s poo in there!

As of today this new program has been pulled by the Ontario Government for retooling because too many parents and religious groups complained.( Religious groups have their own way of teaching sex ed as we’ve all found out). So for now it’s back to the original program that everyone says is out dated because it hasn’t been updated in 12 years. Well it’s still not as old as most kids’ dads’ nudie mag collection.

It’s a good thing the morality squad hasn’t seen what the Middlesex-London, Ontario Health unit is doing to promote sex education to kids. They’ve created an online game called Adventures in Sex City.

You get to pick from one of the 4 super heroes you see above. They are clockwise from top left:

Willy the Kid - He seems to be modeled after Mr. T but with a bigger bag of garbage downstairs. The game says his super power is rock hard strength.

Captain Condom – He apparently was a scientist who had a freak accident while trying to create the perfect condom. Now he’s half man and half condom. He also spends his free time handing out condoms.

Power Pap – She’s sexually active!

Wonder Vag – She is a virgin and promotes abstinence. I also think a good way to promote abstinence is to walk around in a pink mini skirt and hooker boots.

Once you’ve picked your weird/creepy hero you get to do battle wit the evil Sperminator (that would be the guy with dicks for arms in the Mexican wrestling mask). He fires sperm loads at you from his dick arms (I’m not making this up go play and see). You defeat him by answering sex ed trivia questions correctly. Answer right and you block his man’s milk with a giant condom. Answer wrong and his baby batter splatters all over you and you say things like Ahh, right in the face and I’m gonna need a shower.

I’ll tell you who really needs sex education. Guys in high risk porno-character type jobs. Guys like mailmen, plumbers, pool cleaners, and pizza delivery guys.

Do you think they carry around rubbers? You know just in case. Oh well, that’s all for now. I wanted post that SNL sketch Wong and Owens: Ex-Porn Stars to compliment my musings on wither porno job guys think porno scripts might be based on fact but it’s only on Hulu. So instead here’s one of my favorite Bill Brasky sketches. Smell ya later. Oh and if you’re gonna bum jam anyone this weekend, where a rubber.

Watch Bill Brasky-Brasky Buddies in Entertainment  
  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com