I've got it all figured out.

Monday, October 31, 2011

It came from Videoflicks 2: Empty boxes hunger for you.

Happy Halloween boils and ghouls!
Deaderal claw provides severed-ere civile and criminal penalties for the unauthorrorized reaper-duction of copyfrighted materials. Woooo ha ha ha ha!

Sorry Crypt Keeper but I’ve always wanted to say that. A lot of you will no doubt be thinking back to some of your favorite horror movies and hoping to catch one or two on TV tonight.

I said HORROR not horrible.

When I was a kid I wasn’t allowed to watch many horror movies do to a staunch belief in the bogeyman and his ability to eat my bones post bedtime.

A reasonable facsimile of what my bedroom dresser looked like with the lights out.

But on the weekly pilgrimages to Videoflicks I was able to look at the horror movie boxes. This in retrospect was probably worse than actually viewing the terrible movies they once contained. I’m sure my twisted little imagination conjured up monsters and killers far more terrifying. Jason was after all just a big headed bald kid.

So seeing as it’s Halloween I thought I’d share with you some of my most memorable horror movie video boxes that mesmerized/creeped me out all those years ago.

Microwave Massacre – 1983

I’ve still yet to actually see this movie but I love this box. And what’s not to love? Look at that roasting head with all the trimmings. I also like the subtle extra touches like the internal temperature gauge going into the head and the microwave display set to well done. And then there’s that fat guy licking his lips while staring at the head. He just can’t wait to eat that head! But what’s with the towel around his neck? I remember not having a microwave at home when I’d look at this box. I don’t remember if it made me want one more or less.

The Howling – 1981

I could never look at this case for too long. Not because I was afraid of werewolves. (Although I probably was.) It was because of her nails. Look at how cracked and horrible they are. Look at them! Ugh, they still give me the willies. Let’s move on.

Chopping Mall – 1986

First off: Best. Title. Ever. When you grow up in the suburbs the mall becomes a major part of your life. When you’re young, it’s where the toys are and when you’re older it becomes a ketchup and sweet and sour sauce soaked arena in which to perform the feats of strength in hopes that some large haired maiden will pause momentarily from purchasing hundreds of bracelets to agree to Go with you.

What that ment and where you were supposed to go remains forever a mystery.

The shopping bag full of body parts is great but it’s that robot arm that seals the deal. What were those high tech mall scientists thinking?

Mall Security Robot Designer 1: Hey Dan. Why don’t we put little saw blades on their knuckles. You know to deter shoplifters?
Mall Security Robot Designer 2: Rad idea Trevor. Those sticky fingered little shits in the Tape Shack won’t have that problem anymore. Let’s celebrate with a couple of Growers.

Night of the Creeps – 1986

Even with the word Creep in it the title the slogan up top still takes the front seat on this one. My older sister was starting high school when this came out so in my mind this scenario may have been highly plausible. (Although that dead guy is way hunkier than anyone that went to Lord Elgin High School back then.) Oh and those are some pretty strong roses.

The Video Dead – 1987

If you were 11 years old would you want to put this in your VCR? Me either. I don’t want to now either. But that’s because I’ve seen it.

The Comic – 1985

I remember seeing this box once and wondering why the guy he was stabbing had a face made out of wood. Now I realize that it wasn’t wood, the artist just didn’t know how to draw wrinkles. Or anything else for that matter.

And finally on the subject of videos, none of my childhood Halloweens were complete without the annual school viewing of the Halloween Safety Video. Every year they’d assemble us in the library, roll out the video cart and show us this video.

(God, this thing now looks like a horror movie.)

(That hobo clown kid’s dead is wearing a great serial killer costume.)

Even though I was a firm believer that safety ruined all the best costumes I was so pumped for Halloween that seeing this video was to Halloween what the CFRB radio station reporting that Santa’s sleigh had been spotted on radar Christmas Eve.

Have a safe and happy Halloween all!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Rx: Diacetylmorphine 100ml. To be taken orally along with your own butt muck.

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and someone lovingly picked out this wonderful gift for me.

Now I’m not a G. G. Allin fan per say (Don’t get me wrong, Suck My Ass It Smells is a pretty catchy tune.). But I am a fan of punk rock so I will welcome this disgusting little man’s record into my collection. If anything it is one less copy that may fall into the hands of some impressionable youth.

Like being covered in shit, huh kid? Boy do I have a record for you.

It also caused me to spend an hour or two learning a little more about Mr. Allin. For instance did you know that his real name is Jesus Christ? It’s true. His deranged father named him that when he was born. His brother couldn’t pronounce it properly and instead called him Gee Gee, hence the name. Isn’t learning fun kids? Also a lot of people believe that G. G. didn’t stay true to his word by not killing himself on Halloween like he promised.

Would this man lie to you?

In actuality he was in hospital or jail every Halloween after he made that statement and then died of a heroin overdose. So there all you jealous types that dare besmirch the good name of G. G. Allin. I also never realized how much time he spent in hospital. I really can’t picture a gutter punk heroin addict that eats his own poo waking up one morning and thinking, Hmm, something doesn’t feel quite right. I mean jail I understand. They make you go there but the hospital? Maybe people called an ambulance for him after he passed out just to get him out of their house/club/gutter.

Hello 1-800-Got-Junk?

But since he did spend so much time in hospital he probably knew a thing or two about medical practice. I mean people in all professions say that nothing beats hands on experience. Most of these so called doctors just read about medical problems in books. They haven’t even had a fraction of sicknesses they diagnose.

Left: Never had diarrhea. Right: Never had a painful erection lasting more than 5 hours.

So that’s why here at the Creepshow I’ve decided to resurrect good ol’ G. G. so he can answer some of your medical questions in a segment I like to call…


Betty Jackson from Dildo, Newfoundland writes:

Dear Dr. Allin,
This morning I was out walking the hills of Dildo when I accidently cut my arm on a rusty fence post nail. The cut isn’t deep but I’m worried it might be infected. What should I do?

Dr. Allin replies:

Rub shit on it fucker!!!

Michael Cartwright from Community Punch Bowl, Alberta asks:

Dear Dr. Allin,
Lately I’ve been having problems with indigestion. I sometimes wake up during the night with heartburn. Usually Pepto-Bismol seems to settle it down but I’m wondering if I should ask my doctor for something more effective. What do you recommend?

Dr. Allin prescribes:

Empty beer bottle. Fill with piss. Drink. Repeat. Die scumbag!

Barry Lincoln from Swastika, Ontario writes:

Dear Dr. Allin,
Winter is not far away here and with it we all know comes cold and flu season. Do you have any tips to help stay healthy and flu free through the holidays?

Dr. Allin suggests:

Shoot heroin into your dick! Arrrrrrrghhh!!!

Uh oh. It looks like the resurrected G. G. Allin is dead again. Yep, another heroin overdose. I’ve got to stop leaving so much of that stuff lying around. (Mixed with vinegar it makes a great silver polish.) Oh well, tune in next week when I resurrect Jack the Ripper to answer your dating tips.

If she touches her hair that means she likes you.

Smell ya later.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

When is the rest of the world going to learn that animals don't belong in their homes. They belong in space.

So I heard that Iran failed in their attempt to put a live monkey in space. This doesn’t surprise me one bit. For one, according to the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the country of Iran has no gay guys gay guys in it. Well everyone knows that gay guys are great organizers. They’d probably have that monkey up in space lickity split, alive and dressed to the nines.

You’re never going to compete with the wonders of the galaxy so it’s best to go with a classic tux. Blast off!

Ahmadinejad also said that Iran's nuclear power was discovered by a 13 year old girl in her own house using some old parts she got at the local bazaar

Libya’s Iran’s nuclear reactor.

Based on this informationI can probably guess what the Iranian Space Program’s bazaar grocery list looked like.

Get some of these:

And some of this:

And don’t forget this:

Where do you even get a monkey in Iran anyway? I thought they weren't allowed to have pets? They don’t eat bushmeat in Iran do they? Well if they do and I was a monkey, I think I’d rather have my eulogy read failed astronaught then reason for extra ketchup.

You know what kind of monkey they should send up there? A bathroom monkey.

He could clean up all that space junk that’s floating around up there before it comes back down and hits us on the head. Iran just better hope the monkey doesn’t crash land on that planet Fagatron that Andrew Dice Clay is always telling people to go back to.

Because if he does it ain’t going to end well for Iran.

You look fabulous throwing Mahmoud in those purple pants Dr. Homorius.


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Meatloaf, meatloaf, double beatloaf!

The other night I watched a pretty decent documentary on the Montreal punk scene called MTL PUNK: The First Wave. It was pretty good. You should check it out if you’re into that sort of thing. And during the commercials I also saw this.

Talk about a bonus feature! Here is what we have learned in just 2 minutes:

- There are people out there that can’t cook meatloaf.

Actually that doesn’t surprise me.

- There are people out there that have paid $40 for a meatloaf pan.

- Billy Mays is back from the dead and he’s bald!

And if he’s anything like Jason from Friday the 13th his future reincarnations are only going to get worse.

- This meatloaf pan is so amazing you don’t even need oven mitts!

- There are people out there that make themed meatloafs.

I wonder how that meatloaf recipe book is laid out.


Chinese meatloaf anyone?


Or how about a California cheeseburger?

Maybe they’ve got a section for special occasions.

Handy for Halloween.

And Christmas. (Santa says Billy gets the chedder stump end piece this year.)


Prom night.

And if you’re Polynesian…

Happy Fattening Day son.

I bet there’s something in there that even Randy would like.

How about an inflatable meatloaf Randy?

Wow! Whoopy! A Zeppelin!

Annnnnnnnd I'm done.