I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

On the fourth day of Jheepsmas some loser gave to me…

Now that your bed doesn’t smell like 15 hour old McGriddles, your special lady friend just might be in the mood to attempt relations.

Holiday File Photo: Relations.

So this is the perfect time to introduce gift number 4. The Rammstein Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da Boxset.

For the 99 to 100% of you that have forgotten who Rammstein is, here’s a refresher.

Hmm, why do I get the feel that living in Germany is like being trapped in a first year media-arts student film that never ends?

Yes, the Du Hast guys! They’re still making albums. And that’s not all they’re making as you can plainly see. Rammstein’s new album Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da (love Is For All) is available in a boxset that not only comes with a copy of the album but also a pair of industrial strength handcuffs (the only way they’re going to get someone to stay and listen to the whole thing) plus 6 dildos and lube. Love is for all indeed! Maybe they should have called the album Ganze Reihe Von Liebe.

No way! I’ll sue!

Oh da?! Well dat is mine Zeppelin. I make with the sue!

Alright, alright. We’ll keep it at Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da and no one will get sued. Even though I don’t think a ghost can sue a living person. I’m looking at you captain Pruss.

I successfully sued the makers of Road House 2.

Ok, everyone shut-up! No one’s even listening to you anyway. They’re all still staring at those dildos. And I know what you’re all wondering. The answer is, yep. All 6 dildos are modeled after the band members…

wait for it…

members. (Ta da!)

Could there be a sexier Christmas gift for your loved one? Just look at what you’re getting:

You’ve got lead singer Till Lindemann’s weiner.

Here he is dressed as some sort of cross between Elmer Fudd, the Tin Man and a Mime.

Lead guitar and backing vocals singer Richard Z. Kruspe’s schnitzel.

Here he is in a rare performance as the Little Drummer Boy in the Utah Alternative High School’s presentation of a Matrix Christmas.

Backing guitarist Paul H. Lander’s Lederhose.

Industrial Accustic?

And we’re only half way there! Make some room for:

Bass player Oliver Ollie Riedel’s hump lumber.

That’s a BIG diaper he’s wearing ladies! If you know what I mean. Wink. Wink.

Christopher Doom Schneider’s Drum Stick.

I’m sure there’s A Schneider’s hot dogs joke to be made here somewhere.

And don’t forget keyboardist Christian Flake Lorenz

What woman wouldn’t want a rubber replica of this man’s penis?

As you can see this box of pure hell is something special. And even after your lover is shocked and sickened opening it on Christmas morning it can be pushed away into the bottom of a cupboard to be discovered by your future children and grandchildren. The Rammstein Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da boxset has the power to disturb and horrify generation after generation. Still not convinced? How about another look at lead singer Till Lindemann.

This Christmas make love for everyone! And shame and confussion and revultion and embaressment…

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