Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 52: Return of the Magic Internet!!!

Hey guys. Long time since I tapped at ya. Anyway, I was wondering what you eat for breakfast? If you’re a student you’re probably partial to left over pizza.

Mmm, the Tillsonburg special.

Don’t forget the Parmesan.

And if you’re a baby spending Saturday morning with your weekend dad then you probably get this:

Plus this:

Mixed in this:

And if this is your dad:

Then you’re having this:

Do to my Scottish upbringing I like the good old fry up for breakfast.

The basic fry up consists of eggs, beans bacon and a fried slice. Some people add sausage, fried mushrooms or fried tomatoes. Being Scottish I like to add black pudding and a potato scone to mine. The fry up is so popular that it even comes readymade in can form.

It doesn’t get much better than that.

But sometimes I wonder what people in other countries eat for breakfast. I mean I love trying foreign and exotic food for lunch and dinner but when it comes to breakfast it’s got to be dried blood and oatmeal in a sausage casing fried up with a bunch of other crap. But maybe I’m missing out. Only one way to know for sure...

Question 52: What do people in other countries eat for breakfast?



Magic Internet Answer: Hmm. Your posing of a somewhat interesting and intelligent question almost makes up for ignoring me for the past month. I will assume that you do not want a list of what is consumed post-brief-ritual-huminoid-hibernation in every single country. Even though it would take me nanoseconds to do it, it would take your puny human brain hours to read it. So I have decided to educate you on the breakfast cuisine of countries who’s food you already enjoy consuming later in the day. Let us begin with China.

I just assume everyone in China eats this for every meal. Done.

Actually sweet and sour chicken balls are rarely heard of in China. Most Chinese prefer to eat noodles and dim sum for breakfast. Zongzi is also very popular.Zongi is made from a gluttonous rice mixed with a filling (usually meat or bean paste) wrapped in a bamboo leaf and steamed. There are Zongi stalls all over China selling hot zongi just like hot dog stalls in your country.

Hmmm. I’m picturing this.

In India rice is also a staple at breakfast. Many Indians eat Idly (steamed rice cakes) or pongal (a mildly spiced rice porridge). In northern India samosas are also a common breakfast food.

If I was an Indian teenager I’d wear this t-shirt to bed and then just point at it when my mom tried to wake me up in the morning.

In Mexico breakfast is called el desayuno and the types of foods consumed are more in line with your idea of a traditional breakfast. Eggs are popular, as are standard commercial breakfast cereals. Tortilas are usally served instead of toast though. And Mexican breakfasts tend to be much spicier then their neighbors to the north. A tripe stew called menudo has also become a breakfast staple in Mexico due to it being a folk remedy for a hangover.

Tripe, huh? That’s a cow’s stomach lining isn’t it?

Still sound better than this Menudo

The Italian’s keep breakfast very simple. Breakfast in Italy is usually just coffee or milk and coffee with a pastry or biscotti, or sometimes tramezzino. Tramezzino is a white bread sandwich filled with things like tuna, eggs, mayo, tomato or ham.

Ha, ha, that’s not Italian breakfast. This is Italian breakfast.



And finally I bet you are wondering what they eat for breakfast in Japan. It is after all the land of the rising sun. A Japanese breakfast usually consists of rice, seafood and fermented foods. It may also contain food left over from the night before and raw eggs.

Raw eggs and leftovers? Japanese breakfast is basically Rocky meets Uncle Buck Uncle Buck Well thanks Magic Internet. That was very informative. I feel like I’ve just rolled out of bed with half the world.

Yeah, kinda like you but at least they all made me breakfast.

Hey one more thing. I bet you don’t know what Shooter McGavin eats for breakfast? He eats shit!



Check ya later.

On the first day of Jheepsmas...

The season is upon us. And by the looks of Santa up there, I'd say the second phase of rigger is upon him. (The key is the bloating First stage corpses tend to, more or less, keep their original shape.) There's only se7en shopping days left until Christmas! (Ok, 6. This is posted lated. I'm busy too you know.)

File Photo: Saturday!

Not that it matters. I know all you out there are done your shopping. The only people still shopping now are those sad losers that wait until the last minute. Those shitty husbands, those meat-head boyfriends, those frazzled dads, those weekend dads.. That's right, men.

File Photo: You!

Dudes! You've only got one person to shop for and you can't even get that right! You're running around swearing you're not going to get her a gift card (news flash, you are) and you're pushing and shoving in La Senza to get her that Mrs. Claus/Mrs. Elf/Something to do with Christmas whore lingerie set for $40  in RED (because the green one is trashy). And the whole drive home you're thinking of what you should have said to that guy with the glasses that took your parking space and you're thinking of the first 3 moves you would have used on him had he responded to your battle cry of, you fucking shitty shit with the windows rolled up.

You in front of the mirror 3 hours later with 2 Coors Lights in you.

Let's face it. You need help. And thankfully, Uncle Johnny Creepy is here for you. I'm going to give you not 1 but  Se7en perfect gift ideas for the lady in your life. (Or the lady that will be in your life once she realizes that all those phone calls and window wanks are romantic.) One present for each day this week. Let's Begin.

On the first last day of Christmas some loser gave to me....

The   Prayer Cross Neckless from Montebello Collections!

Not convinced by that shitty picture and the promise that you've seen in it on TV?

Watch the commercial.



Still not convinced??!!

Let me tell you why this gift rules:

- It's made from Austrian Crystal! (You know the guys next to the Germans make good stuff.)

- It comes with a certificate of authenticity! (Because counterfeiting this would be very profitable and we all need to be careful.)

- It comes in both child and adult sizes! (If you're dating a midget you don't want her straining her neck lugging around the adult size. That might ruin Christmas Eve La Senza night.)

- It comes with a beautiful display box that you can open for her just like it's something really important! (That snooty looking bitch in the red bob looked impressed.)

Trust me fellas. Click on the link, giver her a wink, and prepare your dink. The Prayer Cross Neckless is a guaranteed action gift.

High-five!

Hey dad! Pass the Unnnnnngha Bunnnnga.

The other day I was walking along Dundas past the police station when I overheard a conversation between two students. I’m not going to hazard a guess at what they were students of. I feel I’ve already sullied what I believe to be their academic ambition enough in a previous post. It was actually less of a conversation and more of a statement by the male student to his female counterpart. This is a direct quote:

I realized something the other day and it made me feel like the smartest man alive. I realized that if you take the first letters in cop and porn and switch them it spells pop corn.

I’ll give you all a few minutes to let that sink in and find something to punch or break or to just generally morn the future of the human race. If you need me I’ll be listening to Pop Corn by Hot Buttered.



All done? Good. Now it’s safe to say that this young gentleman’s revelation is, for lack of a better word, stupid. Why he chose to share it with the young lady I do not know. Perhaps he was trying to woo her. Since the rise of Facebook and the Twitter, the courting rituals of today’s young people are a complete mystery to me. I think it involves a lot of emoticons and the exchanging of pictures of one another’s junk.

But people say stupid things all the time. I do it, you do it, we all do it and young people seem to do it a lot. Let me give you another great example. I was at a show about a month ago and there was this teenage guy with his girlfriend standing behind me and he was telling her about some new ska band that he liked. She’d never heard of ska before and asked him what it was. Here is how he replied, another direct quote:

It’s like a mixture of No Doubt and jazz.

Yep. That’s what he said. He said this:

Plus this:

Equals this:

Now I’ll give you a few minutes to take in that dynamic piece of musical intellect. If you need me I’ll be watching this Prince Buster video.

Made some time between the death of Miles Davis in 1991 and the release of No Doubt’s third album.

Alright. See, people say stupid shit all the time. Hopefully they think back to it, cringe from the recollection of it, learn a lesson and move on. It’s no big deal. They’re only hurting themselves, right? But what about parents passing their stupid on down to their children. Parents tell their kids stupid things all the time. Sometimes it’s because they’re actually ignorant. Sometimes it’s because they’re trying to hide the ugly truth in order to preserve the innocence of youth a little longer and sometimes it’s just because they’re too lazy to come up with the right answers to the numerous questions their children ask them. The sad thing too is that kids are little sponges that will soak up whatever asinine load of shit their parents tell them. Don’t believe me?

See.

I.

Told.

You.

So.

If that’s not enough then let me give you a first hand experience. In fact let me give two. Both of these gems come from my annual trips to the zoo. The few friends I have with children are all fairly intelligent and I hate going to malls so the zoo seems to be about the only time I’m surround by stupid parents and their kids.

Little boy: (upon seeing a plaster cast that is obviously a hippo skull outside the hippo enclosure): Daddy what’s that?

Dumb Dad: I think it’s a dinosaur skull. They must have found it while they were digging the hippo pit.

The thing I like most about this answer is that it actually takes more thought then coming up with the right answer. Yes, Dumb Dad. It’s a dinosaur skull. And they found it while digging the 8 foot hippo pit. And instead of sending it to a lab or a museum they just left it beside the hippo enclosure for people to manhandle and sit on. Sigh, if only that hippo could aim.

Look close at the beginning and you can see the skull in the background.

This second one comes from the Australasia pavilion.

Dumb Weekend Dad (pointing at the orangutans): Look son. Monkeys!

Little Boy 2: What kind of monkeys are they dad?

Weekend Dad: Uhhhh? Orange monkeys!

First of all who’s never heard of orangutans? They’re in contention with the gorillas and the polar bears for the title of best animal at the zoo! And there’s a plaque right there that says orangutans! Come on Weekend Dad! It’s only 2 days, you’ve got 2 eyes. Put some effort into it.

But what can you do? No one should be able to tell a parent how to raise their kids.

Parents of this kid excepted

The only thing we can do is sit back and laugh at the results.



So I’m going to give all you dumb parents a break. Dumb dad’s; go ice up your nuts for a while. Dumb moms; go watch Sarah Palin’s new reality show. But before you do, plunk your little dunderheads in front of the computer and Uncle Johnny will edumacte them for you.

Uncle Johnny Creepshow’s 5 Fun Facts for Dumb Kids:

1) You know where mustard comes from? Wasps. That’s right. Bees make honey and wasps make mustard. That stuff all over your face when you eat a hot dog? That’s wasp turds.

2) Speaking of turds. Do you know why you poop? I’ll tell you why. It’s because your spine never stops growing. That’s right. Every day you grow about 8-10 inches of new spinal cord. And the old spine at the end turns brown and falls out of your but like a snake shedding its skin. It’s all because we’re descended from dinosaurs.

File Photo: Your great, great Granddad.

3) Pizza didn’t exist before 1969 and was discovered by Michael Caine while filming the Italian Job.

Most of the film involved driving and Michael Caine couldn’t drive at the time (you’ll notice you never see him drive a car in the film). So when they filmed the driving scenes Caine would watch the action from on e of the many Italian sidewalk cafes while having a nice meal and a few bottles of wine. During one scene one of the Minis lost control and went careening into Caine’s table just as he was tucking into a spaghetti Bolognese and garlic bread. When the dust settled there was Michael Cain’s garlic bread, flattened like a pancake and covered in tomato sauce and cheese. He was so furious about his ruined lunch that he forced the stunt driver to eat it. And that’s how we got pizza.

Thanks Michael.

4) While we’re on the subject of fast food, you know Arby’s famous curly fries?

They are made right on the Arby’s cattle farms by feeding the cows potatoes and then extracting the partially digested potato mush from one of the cow’s four stomachs via a special faucet in its side.

That’s why the fries are curly and it’s also why they taste like burps.

5) And you know those miniature bats they sometimes give out at baseball games?

When baseball was first played the bats were actually that size. And they weren’t swung by people. They were swung by puppets. It’s true. Baseball was invented by puppeteers as a way to relax between Punch and Judy shows. Hence the term slugger (or slug her).

Yes, I’m afraid America’s favorite pass time is just an overly complicated and drawn out metaphor for spousal abuse.

There you go kids, don’t forget to tell your friends. Now get off my rug before you dent the shag.