I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Christmas with the Creeps 2: That 80s breakdancing movie. The second One.

How about an...

Air Swimmer.

Now we’re talking! I know it looks kind of gay but so does everything else in that picture. You’ve got to see it in action.

Two questions come to mind regarding that commercial. 1: Why were all the kids at that party in bathing suits? And 2: Was that mall they showed the same one that Commando went nuts in?

For my own personal enjoyment, I’m going to say… yes.

But back to Air Swimmers. I think I like them. In a weird, freak people out kind of way. If I had one of those and a time machine I could go back to Woodstock circa 1969 and rule.

Yes master.

Then again if I had a time machine I could go back to 1971 and write Smoke on the Water before Deep Purple does (it’s really easy to play) and rule anyway without even needing the fish.

Yes master.

There are a few problems with the Air Swimmer though. First off you have to fill it up with helium. Unless you’re a clown or a pedophile (most often one in the same) you probably don’t keep a tank of helium at home. That means you can either give it to your children on Christmas morning un-blown up along with a, kid-pointless, speech about how rad it will be 3 days from now when you finally get it filled (note: your child will cast it into the lame pile along with the sox and the educational toys) or you can do the right thing and fill it up before hand. Now,  not only does that mean having to suffer through the pain of going to one of those depressing party stores on Christmas eve but also how do you wrap it?

2 words: You can’t.

And that kind of spoils the surprise. I suppose you could still make it a surprise by flying it into little Timmy’s bedroom on Christmas morning and scaring the living shit out of him but that can be done a lot more cheaply with a real dead fish.

Timmy, wake up, Santa’s here!

But the biggest downfall of the Air Swimmer is that it’s going to pop. You know it is. I’d give it an hour after your kid gets his hands on it to 48 hours tops. And then your child will cry and demand a new one. You can give in if you like but that will just send you into an endless downward spiral of exploding balloon fish, tears and financial hardship. What the Air Swimmer people should do is include a little conciliation prize inside the balloon kind of like a piƱata. Nothing major, maybe some candy or a little toy like you get in a Kinder Egg.

Hmm. Maybe include some ear plugs too.

All in all I’d say the Air Swimmer is a pretty cool toy but maybe not for Christmas. It will probably wind up on the bad toy list next year when some stoner kid flies it into his own face while toking up and winds up looking like he’s been hot boxing with Travis the chimp.


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Christmas with the Creeps.

Oh Creepshow, I know I’ve treated you like a redheaded step child lately but it is Christmas time and I’d like to make it up to you. Let me get you a present. What would you like? A tumblr ? We have lots of tumblers. I’m drinking out of one right now.

Tell you what. Let’s spend the next few days together checking out the top selling toys are for kids this Christmas. Maybe that will give us some ideas…

The Razor eSpark Electric Scooter.

Are you kidding me?! This is a terrible toy on so many levels. First of all, a powered push scooter for a child? As if today’s kids need an excuse to be lazy. They spend half their life staring at  glowing rectangles. The very least you could do is encourage them to go outside, put their foot on the on the ground, push and propel themselves forward briefly. But no! Standing is more than enough for today’s youth. Why not go all out and get them a rascal and a set of dentures until their adult teeth grow in?

Ghost of Christmas Future File Photo: Your daughter in 20 years.

Secondly, it makes sparks.

Now I’m not one of these worrisome spastics that wants to ban any toy that could be considered even remotely dangerous. Hell, I’m still mad about what they did to the Micronaughts. I firmly believe that the future world could use a few less dumb adults. But how long do you think baby Einstein will have that scooter before he’s getting the gas can out of the garage and trying to recreate 88 MPH? Well I say if he is going to do it he should learn to do it the hard way like I did.


Plus this:

Plus this:

Equals this:

And finally, giving a kid something like this on Christmas morning can totally back fire. Kids wait the whole fucking year for Christmas. So when they run downstairs on Christmas morning

Or around back to the trunk for you guys.

they are going to want instant gratification. A Razor eSpark may be fine on Christmas morning for you people living down south but here in Canada Christmas morning can look like this:

And you know what that means… Timmy can’t go outside and play with his new toy so Timmy plays with it in the house. Timmy scoots head first into the wall knocking down daddy’s poorly mounted 72 inch flat screen toy. The neighbors hear shouting and call the police. The police show up and see bleeding crying Timmy and half-in-the-bag daddy. Daddy spends the rest of Christmas in jail.

Oh, yeah, and stop naming everything like an iPod. Next.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 52: Return of the Magic Internet!!!

Hey guys. Long time since I tapped at ya. Anyway, I was wondering what you eat for breakfast? If you’re a student you’re probably partial to left over pizza.

Mmm, the Tillsonburg special.

Don’t forget the Parmesan.

And if you’re a baby spending Saturday morning with your weekend dad then you probably get this:

Plus this:

Mixed in this:

And if this is your dad:

Then you’re having this:

Do to my Scottish upbringing I like the good old fry up for breakfast.

The basic fry up consists of eggs, beans bacon and a fried slice. Some people add sausage, fried mushrooms or fried tomatoes. Being Scottish I like to add black pudding and a potato scone to mine. The fry up is so popular that it even comes readymade in can form.

It doesn’t get much better than that.

But sometimes I wonder what people in other countries eat for breakfast. I mean I love trying foreign and exotic food for lunch and dinner but when it comes to breakfast it’s got to be dried blood and oatmeal in a sausage casing fried up with a bunch of other crap. But maybe I’m missing out. Only one way to know for sure...

Question 52: What do people in other countries eat for breakfast?

Magic Internet Answer: Hmm. Your posing of a somewhat interesting and intelligent question almost makes up for ignoring me for the past month. I will assume that you do not want a list of what is consumed post-brief-ritual-huminoid-hibernation in every single country. Even though it would take me nanoseconds to do it, it would take your puny human brain hours to read it. So I have decided to educate you on the breakfast cuisine of countries who’s food you already enjoy consuming later in the day. Let us begin with China.
I just assume everyone in China eats this for every meal. Done.

Actually sweet and sour chicken balls are rarely heard of in China. Most Chinese prefer to eat noodles and dim sum for breakfast. Zongzi is also very popular.Zongi is made from a gluttonous rice mixed with a filling (usually meat or bean paste) wrapped in a bamboo leaf and steamed. There are Zongi stalls all over China selling hot zongi just like hot dog stalls in your country.

Hmmm. I’m picturing this.

In India rice is also a staple at breakfast. Many Indians eat Idly (steamed rice cakes) or pongal (a mildly spiced rice porridge). In northern India samosas are also a common breakfast food.

If I was an Indian teenager I’d wear this t-shirt to bed and then just point at it when my mom tried to wake me up in the morning.

In Mexico breakfast is called el desayuno and the types of foods consumed are more in line with your idea of a traditional breakfast. Eggs are popular, as are standard commercial breakfast cereals. Tortilas are usally served instead of toast though. And Mexican breakfasts tend to be much spicier then their neighbors to the north. A tripe stew called menudo has also become a breakfast staple in Mexico due to it being a folk remedy for a hangover.

Tripe, huh? That’s a cow’s stomach lining isn’t it?

Still sound better than this Menudo

The Italian’s keep breakfast very simple. Breakfast in Italy is usually just coffee or milk and coffee with a pastry or biscotti, or sometimes tramezzino. Tramezzino is a white bread sandwich filled with things like tuna, eggs, mayo, tomato or ham.

Ha, ha, that’s not Italian breakfast. This is Italian breakfast.

And finally I bet you are wondering what they eat for breakfast in Japan. It is after all the land of the rising sun. A Japanese breakfast usually consists of rice, seafood and fermented foods. It may also contain food left over from the night before and raw eggs.

Raw eggs and leftovers? Japanese breakfast is basically Rocky meets Uncle Buck Uncle Buck Well thanks Magic Internet. That was very informative. I feel like I’ve just rolled out of bed with half the world.

Yeah, kinda like you but at least they all made me breakfast.

Hey one more thing. I bet you don’t know what Shooter McGavin eats for breakfast? He eats shit!

Check ya later.

Monday, November 7, 2011

R.I.P. Cory “Flattus Maximus” Smoot 1977 – 2011

I heard over the weekend that Cory Smoot, aka Flattus Maximus the guitarist for GWAR died.

I first saw GWAR when I was 13 years old. It was the first real concert I attended. (Not counting the time my mother took me to see Gowan and Zappa Costa). I first saw the band in a spread in Thrasher magazine and I remember buying their Scum Dogs of the Universe tape at Cheapies in Hamilton.

To a suburban punk kid with a vulgar sense of humor this was the equivalent of the White Album.

But even the audio majesty of double sided cassette couldn’t compare to seeing them live. I remember buying a cheap white shirt from Bi-way in the hopes it would get soaked in blood. I remember being worried about all the second hand pot smoke I might inhale and wondering if it would cause me to lose my mind

Yes I know today’s 13 year olds smoke 6 paper joints for breakfast but this was a different time.

But most of all I remember this:

Check the fat skin head owning the dance floor 57 seconds in. I love that guy.

I came out of that show with a sweaty pink t-shirt, an over-priced hat and a blood lust for all things GWAR. A week or so later I took the bus downtown to Loony Tunes records and bought Live From Antarctica on VHS.

(I still have it.)

I remember thinking I had something truly shocking and perverse. Although if the footage up there is anything to go by (and it is) maybe not so much. But still I kept it hidden from my parents and would only watch it when they weren’t around.


I did take it to school one day and when the teacher left the room I treated the class to a surprise discreet screening on the art room’s media centre.

The horror…

The teacher came back into the room just as Oderus Urungus was unleashing his copious load all over the crowd.

I could’t have timed it better myself.

I think the only reason she gave me the tape back was because she didn’t want to have to go through the discomfort of having to show it to the principal.

Principal: Who is the deformed man masturbating again?
Art Teacher: Oderus Urungus.
Principal: I see. And who is the blood covered woman in the metal bra and hairy hot pants?
Art Teacher: ...sigh. Slymenstra Hymen.

I’ll admit that Flattus wasn’t my favorite.

I was more of a Balsac guy.

But he was still a great part of GWAR and GWAR will always be a great part of my youth. I’ve seen them numerous times over the years and they’re still one of the best live shows around. I’m glad they’ve decided to keep touring. I may have to go out and purchase a new white Hanes Beefy Tee and a ticket next time they roll into Toronto to pay my respects. And I’d like think that Flattus Maximus is up there in rock & roll heaven telling the Big Bopper how he smoked his entire home planet because it was made out of weed and then cutting one right in Jimmy Hendricks’s face.

So long old friend.

P.S. No Canadian GWAR tribute could be complete without Nardwar.

Smell you later human filth.

Monday, October 31, 2011

It came from Videoflicks 2: Empty boxes hunger for you.

Happy Halloween boils and ghouls!
Deaderal claw provides severed-ere civile and criminal penalties for the unauthorrorized reaper-duction of copyfrighted materials. Woooo ha ha ha ha!

Sorry Crypt Keeper but I’ve always wanted to say that. A lot of you will no doubt be thinking back to some of your favorite horror movies and hoping to catch one or two on TV tonight.

I said HORROR not horrible.

When I was a kid I wasn’t allowed to watch many horror movies do to a staunch belief in the bogeyman and his ability to eat my bones post bedtime.

A reasonable facsimile of what my bedroom dresser looked like with the lights out.

But on the weekly pilgrimages to Videoflicks I was able to look at the horror movie boxes. This in retrospect was probably worse than actually viewing the terrible movies they once contained. I’m sure my twisted little imagination conjured up monsters and killers far more terrifying. Jason was after all just a big headed bald kid.

So seeing as it’s Halloween I thought I’d share with you some of my most memorable horror movie video boxes that mesmerized/creeped me out all those years ago.

Microwave Massacre – 1983

I’ve still yet to actually see this movie but I love this box. And what’s not to love? Look at that roasting head with all the trimmings. I also like the subtle extra touches like the internal temperature gauge going into the head and the microwave display set to well done. And then there’s that fat guy licking his lips while staring at the head. He just can’t wait to eat that head! But what’s with the towel around his neck? I remember not having a microwave at home when I’d look at this box. I don’t remember if it made me want one more or less.

The Howling – 1981

I could never look at this case for too long. Not because I was afraid of werewolves. (Although I probably was.) It was because of her nails. Look at how cracked and horrible they are. Look at them! Ugh, they still give me the willies. Let’s move on.

Chopping Mall – 1986

First off: Best. Title. Ever. When you grow up in the suburbs the mall becomes a major part of your life. When you’re young, it’s where the toys are and when you’re older it becomes a ketchup and sweet and sour sauce soaked arena in which to perform the feats of strength in hopes that some large haired maiden will pause momentarily from purchasing hundreds of bracelets to agree to Go with you.

What that ment and where you were supposed to go remains forever a mystery.

The shopping bag full of body parts is great but it’s that robot arm that seals the deal. What were those high tech mall scientists thinking?

Mall Security Robot Designer 1: Hey Dan. Why don’t we put little saw blades on their knuckles. You know to deter shoplifters?
Mall Security Robot Designer 2: Rad idea Trevor. Those sticky fingered little shits in the Tape Shack won’t have that problem anymore. Let’s celebrate with a couple of Growers.

Night of the Creeps – 1986

Even with the word Creep in it the title the slogan up top still takes the front seat on this one. My older sister was starting high school when this came out so in my mind this scenario may have been highly plausible. (Although that dead guy is way hunkier than anyone that went to Lord Elgin High School back then.) Oh and those are some pretty strong roses.

The Video Dead – 1987

If you were 11 years old would you want to put this in your VCR? Me either. I don’t want to now either. But that’s because I’ve seen it.

The Comic – 1985

I remember seeing this box once and wondering why the guy he was stabbing had a face made out of wood. Now I realize that it wasn’t wood, the artist just didn’t know how to draw wrinkles. Or anything else for that matter.

And finally on the subject of videos, none of my childhood Halloweens were complete without the annual school viewing of the Halloween Safety Video. Every year they’d assemble us in the library, roll out the video cart and show us this video.

(God, this thing now looks like a horror movie.)

(That hobo clown kid’s dead is wearing a great serial killer costume.)

Even though I was a firm believer that safety ruined all the best costumes I was so pumped for Halloween that seeing this video was to Halloween what the CFRB radio station reporting that Santa’s sleigh had been spotted on radar Christmas Eve.

Have a safe and happy Halloween all!