I’ve always considered myself somewhat of a store house of useless information. For example I can name all 6 sequels to Police Academy in chronological order (most people think City Under Siege was before Assignment Miami Beach, scoff), I can tell you that there are 18 different kinds of hamster and I can sing the entire opening to Perfect Strangers a capella.
But as useless as these gifts are they’ve become even more redundant thanks to the internet. The World Wide Web is the ultimate collection of useless knowledge. Hell, you can look up fake barf ingredients and get 1,610,000 results! There’s no way I can compete with that.
File photo: Perfection
But that’s ok. I’m not bitter. I’m not going to move out to a shack in the woods, grow a beard and start sending letter bombs to Google CEO’s in NetFlix envelopes marked Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (they’d never get opened anyway). There’s enough Unibombers around already. There’s that crazy one that’s in jail.
Did you know you can now go see his shack in a museum?
I think it should be busted up and made into custom iPod covers as an extra f. u.
Then there’s Phil Laak the professional poker playing Unibomber.
Did you know you can purchase a Phil Laak Unibomber Card Guard?
Now here’s something that should blow up when you open it.
That’s two too many in my opinion. No, instead I will embrace the internet as the useful tool that it is. A gift from the Gods. Like that Coke bottle in the The Gods Must Be Crazy.
You see I’ve got a few stupid questions that have been nagging me like a comic strip wife lately. So I’ve decided to start a new weekly CreepShow feature. Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question. Every Wednesday I will put forth some dumb question that’s been percolating in my brain and allow it to be answered by the all knowing oracle of bullshit. Don’t worry.This will be an additional feature and will in no way disrupt or replace my regular posts about stupid people, crackheads, shitty television, 80s movies and hot dogs. Speaking of Hot Dogs., have you seen the new commercial for Maple Leaf Top Dogs?
Alright, let’s rub the magic internet and see if it can grant me a snappy answer to a stupid question
Question 1: Did bad Performers on stage ever actually get pulled off stage by a big hook?
I was watching the Little Couple last week and the guy midget decided to take a stand up comedy class in New York. He had some of the worst material I’ve ever had about being a little person using a regular sized men’s room. At one point he talked about how close he is to the bowl and if you don’t flush, what he sees down there makes him hungry for lunch! I’m paraphrasing but in no way embellishing. The other people in the class just stared at him blankly with this nauseated look on their faces thinking, Did this midget just say other people’s shit makes him hungry? It was amazing. I kept imagining that hook coming to haul him off, which got me wondering if this ever really happened. I mean it happened to Garfield and the Muppets often enough.
Magic Internet Answer: Yes. The hook was often used in the original Vaudeville acts where it would extend from off stage to pull away bad or overly long acts. It was also often associated with the tap dancer Sandman Sims as he often used it on bad acts at the Apollo. If you don’t know who Sandman Sims is, he was that old tap dancing guy that Cliff Huxtable battled on The Cosby Show.
Thanks magic internet. CHALLENGE!