I've got it all figured out.

Friday, December 24, 2010

On the seventh day of Jheepsmas some loser gave to me...

Twas the night before Christmas.
And all through the mall,
Not a female was stirring.
It was was wall to wall balls.

That's right dudes. It's the last shopping day of Christmas. The day when only the truly saddest of the male species done their Santa hats.

Why do so many lame guys go shopping in Santa hats anyway? I think they're the same guys that start sporting shorts in March. Their female equivalent is the Halloween devil horn office girl.

And prepare to rage their way through the mall to obtain some half recalled Christmas wish for their significant other that they're sure to get wrong if it's not already sold out.

What are you talking about?! It's totally an iPhone, look!!

Well what if I told you that you didn't have to go out shopping today? What if I told you that you could sit right there and watch the endless reruns of Family Guy (that you don't want to watch but will) and not spend a penny this Christmas? I know it sounds unbelievable but for a large percentage of you guys out there, it's true. You can give the girl in your life the greatest gift of all this Christmas and it will only take you 5 minutes and you won't loose a cent. Just go into the bathroom. Turn on the light. Pick up your razor. And shave that stupid facial hair you have off!

She doesn't like it. I know she says she does but she doesn't, trust me.

So you with the beard!

Lose it! I know she says it makes you look manly but it bothers her when you kiss and it smells like your lunch. And thanks to guys like you this exists.

Shave it. Shave it now. And don't even think about mentioning Zach Galifianakis or you're shaving it dry.

And you with the mustache!

It's had its day. Every man needs to grow one now and then but Movember is over and it's time to move on. If you really wish to reinvent yourself as a Victorian English cad get a subscription to the Chap and learn to do it whole assed. Thanks to guys like you Urban Outfitters has an entire page of moustache related products.

Mr. Goatee... I'm looking your way.

Come on man. Even you know this is wrong. Do you know why they call it a goatee? Because it makes you look like a goat! Or some sort of goat/man. WOmen don't want to be with a goat/man. Remember Goat Boy? Remember how lame he was?


Yeah that's you. Unless you're a bass player in a speed metal band where a goatee is a requirement, it's time to shave.

And finally we come to you soul patch. 

I see you sitting back there, snapping your fingers. That thing makes you look like you like jazz. There's nothing wrong with liking jazz. Only everyone hates people that like jazz. Don't be the jazz guy. I'm 99.9% sure you're girlfriend doesn't like jazz guys. And if she does, she's going to leave you for an actual jazz guy and then you're going to complain to all your friends that your girlfriend dumped you for a complete douche. One small sweep of the Bic can change all that.

Don't fight it guys. You know it's long overdue. And Just follow the instructions in this slightly homoerotic video that in no way promotes Gillette.

And have a very hairless Christmas.

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