I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

On the fifth day of Jheepsmas some loser gave to me…

You know why dudes always mess up Christmas gifts for their ladies? It’s because dudes always think about what they want and then try to project it onto their girl. You buy her lingerie because you want to see her in it. You buy her booze because she’s more fun when she’s drunk. You buy her Sleepy Hollow on Laserdisc because she keeps trying to throw your laserdisc player out.

Why does this exist?

You catching my wave dudes? Good. Today’s gift is just for the men out there with babies. (Babyless men go back to playing X-Box, shotgunning beers in the bathroom of your Bachelor Arms Apartment or generally not living your life like you’re in a McDonalds commercial.)Today’s gift is for the dude dads.

Today’s gift is…

Bugaboo Stroller Snow Tires!

Yes these are real . And yes the world has finally gone full retard. But this is where you get to cash in big time with mommy. You see every mother’s worst nightmare is to be pushing her new born baby along a snowy incline and to suddenly hit a rough patch and lose control. Sending her precious infant and equally precious Bugaboo stroller careening into oncoming traffic or perhaps a prohibition Chicago cops and mobsters shoot out.

If you’re still not convinced of how scared mothers are of losing control of their stroller then try getting an old stroller, filling full of cheap meat and pushing it into traffic around a group of mothers. Trust me they FREAK. Look guys. There’s not a whole lot else to say about this. Even if she doesn’t know about the Bugaboo Snow Tires, you know that one of her friends (the one you hate) is going to get a set and brag about them and then she’s going to demand them. Either way you’re out $74.95. Why not be proactive and get in her good books? You can always bring it up when she catches you doing this.

I think this might be the Toronto Zoo. Yes, they have raccoons. No, I don’t know why. Yes, I hope they feed them garbage.

And for those of you that don’t even have a Bugaboo stroller… Look. If you’re babies mother isn’t pushing your screaming, shitting little miracle 40 feet to Starbucks in anything but a Bugaboo, she might as well be blowing crack smoke in your baby’s face.

Good night!

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