I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0010

I was watching 48 Hour Mysteries the other night. You know, that documentary style show with all the great computer generated fingerprint and siren graphics that takes a 10 minute true crime story and draws it out to an hour?

Yep, that’s the one. So I was watching this episode where this woman didn’t want to be with her husband anymore so she started poisoning him with arsenic.

That's arsenic? Huh, it looks like the stuff they used to cover the track with at my high school. No wonder I was never fast.

Now I know the first thing you’re probably wondering is, Where did she get the arsenic from? Well it turns out that they were both scientists, or they both went to science school together or something. I know at least he was a scientist. At one point there was a big hawk flying outside my window so I may have missed what she did but needless to say she had access to arsenic.

The hawk kind of looked like this but more bird like and less dead rapper like.

Anyway, all this talk of arsenic on the show got me thinking. Does arsenic have any practical purposes? It seems to me that it’s only used to bump people off. Are there any positive aspects of arsenic? Or did scientists just invent it so they could use it to kill people in Miss. Marple/Columbo like scenarios? Maybe scientists didn’t event it. Maybe it grows naturally and someone discovered it? I kind of wonder the same thing about strychnine as well but The Sonics have been drinking that stuff for years and they’re still around to sing about it so it can’t be all that bad.

So tell me oh wise and infinite waster of time. Tell me Magic Internet…

Question 10: What’s the deal with arsenic?

Vrrrrrrwhoooooo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Eaaaore. Eaaaaore. Ring A Ding Ding. Wrrrrrrrr. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: Even though the matter in which you have phrased your question causes me to feel that you are getting stupider despite our weekly sessions I must admit that this may be your most straightforward and sanest question to date, a question that we can take an altogether scientific approach to. Not that I mind delving into the philosophical now and then but you would be surprised by the number of stoned individuals that interface with me on a daily basis and how quickly their pubescent bra strap fumbling attempts at philosophy can cause me to start pulling out my own circuits.

Why do they call it taking a shit when you leave it, man?

Anyhoo, let us discover exactly what the deal is with arsenic. Arsenic is a chemical compound that can be found in a wide variety of ores. Arsenic was most likely first discovered by early craftspeople but it is unlikely that they knew what it was. That said, arsenic compounds have been around since the days of Ancient Greece and Rome when arsenic sulfide was used by physicians and poisoners.

No, not that kind of Poisoner. Though what he produces could also be considered harmful.

Saint Albert Magnus is often credited with the discovery of arsenic as he was the first to record arsenic in its purest form after heating an arsenic compound together with soap. Over time arsenic has had many practical uses including insecticides, pesticides and wood strengthening. Most of these have been discontinued since the discovery of arsenic’s high toxicity. However arsenic is still used in the alloying of lead and copper and most commonly in batteries.

No, that’s not why your tongue hurt when you licked the battery out of your Alpha Probe.

As I stated before, arsenic in one form or another, has been used as an intentional poison for hundreds of years. It was highly favored for this purpose by the ruling classes of the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, most notably the Borgias. The symptoms of arsenic poisoning were similar to cholera, which was a common cause of death at the time. In the 19th century arsenic was known as inheritance powder because it was often used to speed up the process of acquiring ones inheritance.

No dad, I don’t know why your birthday hooker tasted like bitter almonds.

In ancient Korea an arsenic compound was used in the making of sayak. A poison cocktail used in capital punishment. Hmm, perhaps this could prove as the solution to the lethal injection drug shortage in US prisons. What’s that Johnny? No I don’t think the prisons could just inject the inmates with a syringe full of bleach.

JC: I don’t see why not. It’s cheap and it’s under every sink in North America. See, there it is on the left.

It is amusing that you mention using arsenic in Ms. Marple and Columbo like murder scenarios. Amusing because arsenic was a common poison in murder mystery television shows yet they always failed to show its true effects.

I dare say Miss. Marple would be keeping her gardening gloves on to check for a pulse on that one.

It looks like arsenic to me Bertie. Now if you will beg my pardon I must retire to the powder room for I feel as if I may chug up.

Probably for the best Miss Marple, you do recall what happened earlier when you were walking your dog?

What with the modern doctor’s keen eye for symptoms and easier testing, one would have to be very foolish to use arsenic as a weapon of murder and think they could get away with it these days. Most arsenic poisoning today comes from contamination of earth and water supplies. Or from ingesting seafood with a high arsenic content.

This Saturday at the Arsenik Café: Oysterfest and convulsion dance off!

And that my good friend Johnny is the deal with arsenic.

Booyaka! Thanks Magic Internet.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Segway to Heaven.

Jimi Heselden, the owner of Segway scooters died yesterday after riding his Segway off of a cliff! Here’s footage of him hours before the crash.

Ok that wasn’t him but I’m guessing he never saw Quadrophenia. Because if he had, he’d know you’re supposed to jump off before it goes over the cliff. Right Jimmy?

My condolences to Jimi Heselden but what a way to go. Not only is it a lock for lamest/most ironic death of the year but it also leaves the Segway Company with a PR nightmare. Let’s just pray that they don’t try to cheapen his funeral with some sort of Segway honor guard.

But they say every cloud has a silver lining. Maybe the silver lining to this tragedy is that they will finally stop manufacturing and selling these stupid, STUPID machines.

This quote from the article says it all,

They use gyroscopes, computers and electric motors to cruise to 12 miles per hour.

12 miles per hour?! You know what else does that? A bicycle! And a bicycle doesn’t need gyroscopes, computers, electronic motors, or a cheque from some shithead for $2,000! That’s right. There are people paying out $2,000 to look like complete assholes. In fact there isn’t a single picture out there of someone riding a Segway where they don’t look like king of the wanks.




 (And if you think that’s gross, you should see him back it into the handicap stall and take a shit.)

They also come in handy for bad, half assed parenting.

Segways even make some of the lamest jobs even lamer.

Thank you for your order sir. Delivery comes with a free glimpse of saddest fucking thing you’ve ever seen.

Mall cops already get 0 respect from teenagers and skater kids. This will only cause them to actively seek HIM out for abuse. Target indeed.

Speaking of skaters, there’s even a handful of dorks into extreme Segway.

I haven’t seen anything that lame since those 80s scooters with the breaks disappeared.

They should get the extreme Segway guys to remake the movie RAD.

And call it SAD

There are only three instances in which the riding of a Segway should be tolerated.

1) Any time a chimp rides one.

Because a chimp Riding anything is awsome.

2) When George Bluth rides one on Arrested Development.

Because he’s so lame he’s awesome.

3) And when Weird Al rides one while singing White & Nerdy live. Because it’s so lame, it’s awesome.

Play me out Al.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0009

Everyone is going on and on these days about how to kill zombies and how to survive zombie attacks. What’s the point? Zombies are super slow and they’re falling apart already. It’s like discussing how to survive an attack from you elderly aunt.

Look out, she’s got her dabber!

I’ve seen enough zombie movies to know that if a handful of shitheads can kill hundreds of zombies with whatever they’ve got laying around then we’ll have no problems with our tanks and army guys and stuff. Even our Canadian army guys.

But if preteen girls and lonely middle aged women are to be believed then the real supernatural threat is vampires and wolfmen.

That’s this guy:

And this guy:

Now Vampires are easy. While they’re busy humping/biting sad lonely women wearing this:

I actually saw a mother wearing this while taking her kids to a soccer game.

You can be making crosses and stakes. It’s easy. It’s all just wood. You can get it at Home Depot. They even rent big tools there so you could make yourself one of those Dusk Till Dawn jackhammer dealies.

Or just lay in a garlic field until the sun comes up, I don’t care. The point is that Vampires are easy and cheap to kill too. So the real problem is wolfmen. As far as I know the only thing that kills them is a silver bullet. Or (according to a pair of boxer shorts I once owned as a teenager) a can of Coors light. Oh no, wait that wasn’t a werewolf, that was the Beer Wolf.

I’m not sure what the Beer Wolf was supposed to represent. Either alcoholism or your manhood.

See silver is expensive. And I don’t want to go spending all my money on silver bullets or go through the aggravation of melting down my mom’s silver just to find out that regular bullets work fine. So here’s my question to you Magic Internet.

Question 9: Why do silver bullets kill wolfmen?

Bee. Dee. Doop. Derp. Derp. Derp. Awooooooooooooo. Dip Dip Dip. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: Great another werewolf related search. Well, at least this one doesn’t include the word erotica. What is it about you humans and the supernatural? You either want to kill it or have sex with it. I would think that if mankind encountered a werewolf or wolfman as you call it that it would be better to capture it for scientific study. What’s that Johnny? Yes, I suppose you could bate the trap with a pair of jeans. Yes, I know wolfmen love jeans. You tell me that all the time.

Yes, ok. We don’t need a picture.

If mankind were to capture a werewolf, then perhaps they could find a way to cull its blood lust and it could live among them in harmony. Although if Teenwolf is anything to go by wolfmen that live among humans turn into wolfassholes.

Anyway, let us start by approaching your question from a scientific perspective. Most bullets are made from lead or lead jacketed in copper or brass. Pure silver falls between lead and copper in terms of hardness. Therefore a silver bullet would have no trouble accepting the rifling of a gun barrel and silver bullets can be made and fired.

Lead bullets however has a much higher density then silver. That means that a silver bullet would accelerate to a higher velocity due to the lower mass. It is doubtful that this would be advantageous though. For the high velocity silver bullet could very well leave the chamber before the powder charge had been completely consumed and the lighter silver bullet would be more susceptible to perturbance due to wind and other disturbances in flight. So, from a scientific perspective, if a silver bullet can kill a wolfman so can a regular bullet and there is no advantage to using silver bullets.

So now we must look at the origin of the belief that silver bullets will kill a wolfman. This belief dates back to June 19th, 1767 when a French hunter by the name of Jean Chastel supposedly shot the Beast of Gevaudan with a silver bullet. The beast or beasts of Gevaudan were wolf like creatures that terrorized the French province of Gevaudan from 1764 to 1767. They were believed to be werewolves. In Chastel’s account of the killing he claimed that his hunting party had sat down to read the bible and pray. During one of the prayers, the creature came into sight. Chastel claimed he finished his prayer before shooting the beast. Hmm. Perhaps it is the religious significance of the silver that makes the bullet effective. In the Gospels Jesus’ disciple Judas Iscariot is infamous for having taken 30 pieces of silver from religious leaders in Jerusalem to turn Jesus Christ over to the Romans. Judas surely earned his place in hell for this deed and perhaps penetrating the flesh of a wolfman with silver will also send the ungodly creature to hell. So there you have it. The key to silver bullets is their religious significance. If we are to suspend our disbeliefs and agree that there are wolfmen. Then we must also suspend our disbelief of the godly powers of silver bullets. And while we’re at it why don’t we suspend our disbelief that Silver Bullet Werewolf Protection Mints also stop werewolves and are worth $2.50.

Thanks again Magic Internet. Now, just to even things out for the Draculas after showing that Teenwolf clip. Let’s see the dance seen from Once Bitten were Jimmy Carrey plays air guitar with his own leg.

Ooga Booga!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I hate hot tubs.

Ugh! Just look at that boiling caldron of disgustingness.

The bubbles keep it from forming a skin!

Now I like baths. A bath is great when you’re not feeling well or you’re cold or your muscles ache. There’s nothing I like better on a cold winter evening then grabbing Mr. T Duck off of the shelf,

climbing into a hot bath and splashing around for a while listening to Jawbone on the hifi.

But hot tubs, that’s a whole different story. First of all I don’t like being hot for any extended period of time. A 5 minute hot shower every day and a 20 minute hot bath every couple of weeks is good enough for me. If I had a hot tub I’d feel the need to justify it by sitting in it all the time and I don’t need that. As a human being I am warm blooded and can generate my own body heat. I am not a Snakeman.

Hope you brought your trunks He-Man. We might go in the hot tub later. Hisssssss. Hissssss.

The next problem I have with hot tubs is the whole sharing thing. People that have hot tubs always want other people to get in it with them. Even at hotels and spas complete strangers sit around in these giant baths together. That’s weird. It’s one thing for a couple to spend a romantic evening in a hot tub (though if you really want romance I’d opt for a tub that includes a toilet for two)

but I’m not getting in a hot tub with that bald business schlub I saw in the hotel lobby on his cell phone telling his wife about the sizzling plate of fajitas he just had for dinner.

Hey, don’t mind me guys. I’ll just slide over. Squeek Rub. Rub. Squeeeek.

But it’s the people that have hot tubs in their homes that creep me out the most. What do you see when you picture the kind of guy that owns a hot tub?

Yep, me too.

Those gross swinger types that look like their whole body is just a shiny, greasy extension of their genitals.

Sometimes they advertise these hot tub expos that go on for a whole weekend up by the airport. Once I get over the disbelief that the demand for hot tubs here in Toronto is big enough to even sustain an event such as this I just picture them as swinger conventions. Do you think the people that go there to look at hot tubs wear their bathing suits so they can try before they buy? Do you think there are salesmen decked out in budgie smugglers sitting right in the hot tubs waiting for customers? What could a life time of sitting in and selling hot tubs do to the human body? That’s probably what happened to Jack Nicholson.

That and his all gas station hoggie diet.

Do you think they have vendors that try to cash in on some of the other things hot tubers need?

Does Zima has a booth there? You betcha.

Medalion tables? For sure.

Degreaser? Stacked in pyrimids.

If Muc-Off really want to make some cash at the hot tub show they need to invent Pubegone.

Well one thing you definitely won’t find there is me. I want no part of that human soup.

File Photo: My personal hell.

Yep, I hate hot tubs. Just thought you might like to know.