Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0021

The other night I watched the documentary Food Inc. Have you seen it?



It was a good movie but I don't know if I can recommend it. After seeing it I'm afraid to eat anything!

In my mind this:

Is now this:

And sure you could say, Well just stay away from fast food and processed foods and you'll be fine.

WRONG!

You see there's a part in the movie where they talk about how they take unripe tomatoes from South America ship them up here and then use ethylene gas to ripen them. Ethylene gas! I'm sure I've heard of that before. And you know what I think it is? I think it's dead body gas. I know methane gas is fart gas.

But is ethylene gas dead body gas?

Is the gas that's making this guy float being used to make your apple a Red Delicious?

File Photo: Pale Notsodelicious

I don't want to be eating a dead body salad. Especially now that I know what they taste like. Say who was it that told me about that? Maybe they know a thing or two about ethylene gas. Come to think of it I believe it was the Magic Internet. Stock up your usb mini-fridges folks. We're going in.

Question 21: Is ethylene gas dead body gas?

Eat Mo' Moon Pies!

Magic Internet Answer: It is a good thing that I do not require organic matter. I live off of human stupidity. And as you can see I am growing and growing and growing.

Now let me digest this latest meal that you have put forth. Ethylene gas is in no way related to dead bodies. When a corpse decomposes and bloats the gases that well up from within it are a mixture of hydrogen sulphide, carbon dioxide and methane. Ethylene is a form of gas given off naturally by plants but it can also be synthesized through man-made processes such as combustion.

So a spontaneous human combustion dead body gives of ethylene gas. Ha, ha, I'm right!

Please try to shut up Johnny. Ethylene acts as a ripening hormone and plays a regulatory role in plant growth. Plants, fruits and flowers have receptors that absorb free ethylene in the atmosphere. The absorption of ethylene stimulates the plant to produce more ethylene and the overall result is a hastening in ripening and ultimately the death of the plant. This is why when you put bananas or an avocado in a paper bag they ripen faster. The confined space causes them to absorb, produce and reabsorb more ethylene gas.

Hi, I'm Ethyn. Do you guys like to party?

Ethylene was first discovered by the German physician J. J. Becher sometime around 1669.

File Photo: J. J. that discovered ethylene.

File Photo: J. J. that discovered dynomite.

In 1795 a group of Dutch chemists that were studying the properties of ethylene discovered that oil could be made from it by mixing ethylene with chlorine. This discovery gave ethylene its earlier name olefiant gas (oil-making gas) it also lead to the discovery of ethylene as a fruit and vegetable ripener. Lemon growers would store green lemons in sheds heated by kerosene heaters until they turned yellow and ripened enough to be sent to market. When the growers began heating their sheds by more modern methods they found that the lemons did not ripen as quickly. It was the small amounts of ethylene that was aiding in the ripening.

So you see people have been using ethylene to ripen food for quite a long time. It is not the evil invention of giant food conglomerates and they are certainly not ripening fruits and vegetables in rooms full of dead bodies. In fact ethylene gas is actually used in the production of corpse deodorizing products. Smelleze makes a deodorizer specifically for funeral homes and morgues that comes in a reusable hanging pouch.

That's great Magic Internet. Now I know what to get my niece and nephew for Christmas when they grow up and become goths. High five!

To: Lady Raven Nighthawk and Lazerus Bonefellow. Merry X-Mas. I hope they fit Love: Uncle Johnny.

On the third day of Jheepsmas some loser gave to me…

Some of you dudes might be thinking of getting a little something special to wear under the mistletoe this year. Two words… Please don’t.

No woman wants to have her Christmas ruined by having to watch you smuggle your budgie in Santa’s beard. Not to mention the absolute horror show you’ll put on should you actually get aroused in a pair of those. Don’t forget the lessons learned from the infamous BallBra.

Besides, I’ve got something much better to cover yourself with in the bedroom: the Better Marriage Blanket.

better marriage blanket @ Yahoo! Video

That’s right it’s a blanket that neutralizes fart stink!

Much like lingerie, it’s a gift for her as much as a gift for you. Couple it with a pair of good quality ear protectors.

Those who bought the Better Marriage Blanket also bought ...

And she will no longer be awakened and sickened by your noxious, McRib fueled, trumpeting farts. This one’s a no brainer guys. Just look at what you’re getting according to the  Official Better Marriage Blanket Website:

- A real solution to a real problem. (Another solution to this problem might be to not order the Beer and Cheddar soup at Jack Astor’s).

- Odor absorption will last for the life of the blanket. (Think of it as a biological scrapbook of your marital bliss.)

- It doesn’t need frequent washing. Simply refresh the blanket from time to time out in the sun. (Forget Facebook and the Twitter. Think about how much more fulfilling life will be for your special lady friend when she’s meeting up with her friends face to face in a sunny park as they all air out their fart blankets together.)

- A stylish choice of white beige or blue. (Be warned though. No matter what colour you choose they will all end up somewhat beige.)

- A blanket made from the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons. (This might be a bit of an overkill but it’s better to be safe than sorry. With the way fast food is going these days we may very likely see Gulf War Syndrome like illnesses befalling those that are forced to cohabitate with enthusiasts of the KFC Double Down.)

Face it guys. Despite what your mom or strippers say about you

Sometimes both.

You’re gross and you stink. And unless your wife is a REALLY big James Joyce fan or asked for this last Christmas.



She thinks you stink too. If you want a better marriage for Christmas, this blanket has got you covered. Zing!

Leslie Nielsen: February 11th, 1926 – November 28th, 2010 R.I.P.

Leslie Nielsen dies yesterday. He was 84 years old.

I always liked Leslie. Even though he’s been in over 100 movies, I’ll always remember him best as Frank Drebin.



It’s amazing how an actor who in my mind has always been an old guy can bring back such fond memories of being young. Saturday night sleepovers spent watching Airplane! and Airplane 2 back to back. With a case of mixed loose pops from Mr. Grocer and a large pepperoni and mushroom pizza for sustenance. (Remember when pepperoni on pizza was crispy? Why is modern pepperoni such bullshit?! Sigh , I can’t get into this now. This is a whole other post.) Now sure Airplane! is a funny movie. But if you’re 9 years old with 4 cans of Coke in you, Airplane might as well be your Vice Principal in a dress wiping out in dog shit.





And I know Leslie Nielsen wasn’t in Airplane 2 but by that time we’d had 6 pops each and what little attention span we had left was spent on fort making/arguing over wither or not Boba Fett was a robot or not. Airplane 2 was barely witnessed. It sucked anyway. Except maybe the wrestling bit.



Hey did you know Leslie Nielsen was on WWF back in the 90s?



Sweet!

I remember being 11 years old and getting my parents to drop us off at the Showcase cinema an hour early so we could sneak into Chuck E. Cheese next door (they HATED unsupervised kids and you really did have to sneak in) to play video games. Then going to see Naked Gun after we got kicked out (I think one of us asked Chucky if he was a homo.)



And hey, O. J. Simpson was in it too.

Ha, ha ha. He’s a murderer.

And of course Leslie was also in The Creepshow. I can’t leave that out.



Leslie Nielsen. 1926 - 2010. Let him RIP.

Leslie Nielsen Farts on a Morning Show - watch more funny videos

Weirder Science: on Whoppers, shits and crabs.

I want to take a minute to talk to you all about science.

Now I’m not talking about computer science. I think I’ve said all there is to say about that. No, I’m talking about the lab coat, test, tube, Bunsen burner, beaker kind of science.

Science has always been a mystery to the majority of mankind. Hundreds of years ago in the Middle Ages or dark ages (the time when everyone went from being kind of smart to really dumb again) there were wizards. Wizards weren’t really magic, they just new more about science then everybody else. Which wasn’t hard considering people back then thought bathing in urine was good for their skin.

(World’s first nerd.)

Now a day’s most people are introduced to the wonders of science as children. Some uncle or grandparent probably gave you a chemistry set when you were young.

Or if you were lucky you got the Mad Scientist Monster Lab.



Unless you were a girl, then you got one of these.

That’s why there are no girl scientists. Except for those ones you see on TV working in the Coors Light lab.

When you get a bit older you get to have science class.

Some people find out that they’re smart and like science class. But most of us just sit there laughing at our dead rat’s junk and repeatedly turning on the Bunsen burner gas because it smells like farts.

Those people that liked science have gone on to work in labs and hospitals and think tanks where they solve all the little problems that make our lives easier and more delicious.

Sounds perfect doesn’t it? Wrong! Scientists may get credit for their work but that’s about all they get. Let me give you an example. Right now Burger King probably has a team of scientists working around the clock finding ways to make the Whopper more delicious. But even if those scientists manage to bend the laws of physics and cram more bacon and cheese into that shitty burger then is humanly possible making it irresistible to fat fucks what do they get? A pat on the back or maybe a bonus if they’re lucky. Meanwhile the Burger King is partying on their scientific dime.



So it’s only a matter of time before scientists wake up, realize they’re undervalued and start exploiting stupid people just like everyone else. And it’s already begun. Time for another example.

There’s a company in Knoxville, TN called  BioPet Vet Lab. They offer DNA dog breed analysis, DNA proof of dog parentage and DNA storage for companion animals. This sounds like worthy service for the discerning breeder or dog owner. But BioPet Vet Lab also offers something they call the PooPrints Program.

This is a program directed at those asnine, anal retentive people that live in gated communites or condos. The way it works is that everyone that owns a dog submits their dogs DNA to BioPet Labs for storage. Then if anyone’s dog shits in the community and the owner doesn’t pick it up, the poo can be sent to BioPet Labs for analysis and they will reveal who the guilty dog is.

This is stupid for so many reasons.

- You’d have to get everyone to agree to have their dog’s DNA taken and filed. But that’s ok. I’m sure people that live in gated communities have no issues with privacy.

- What’s to stop someone from handing in another dog’s shit and claiming it as their own dogs shit? Athletes and drug addicts do it with piss all the time. And to pass a fake dog log you wouldn’t even need a Wizzinator.

- It says you have to send the offending turd in to BioPet Labs for analysis. I don’t think sending shit through the mail is legal. But then how did Columbia House manage to send people all those Jimmy Eat World CDs ?

(Jimmy Eat Shit is more like it.)

- What if it’s not dog shit at all? What if it’s human? I for one would be out there shitting just to watch the PooPrints program go down in Who done it? accusatory flames. I might even dawn a trench coat and play Columbo, questioning and requestioning my neighbors on their bathroom habits.

(Here’s a hint: That’s not a cigar.)

- Wouldn’t it be easier and less expensive just to install some CCTV cameras? Not only would it catch unwanted dog shitters but it might also keep members of the community safe from burglars, rapists, murders and terrorists. Dangers that aren’t as prevalent as dog shit but dangerous none the less.

Oh well, it’s not like we didn’t see this coming. And if you do get nailed by your neighbor through doggy DNA shit detection our modern exploitative scientists have the perfect way for you to get revenge. Crab Revenge!

Fart Masters of Hollywood.

We’ll return to Small Wonder right after this paid infomercial.

Hello future celebrities. Chris "Blue" Angel here.

Are your auditions a drag because you can’t act your way out of a bag?

Do you want to be a hit like Brad Pitt but your face looks like shit?

I want to give YOU the key to unlocking the secrets of  Hollywood’s professional film farters .

I have concealed my identity for the duration of this broadcast.

I

Because the farting secrets that I can reveal to you in my new book Fart Masters of Hollywood could see me kicked out of the Film Farters Guild (the FFG) by my fellow Skunk Men.

No Snitching!

One thing that certainly isn’t a secret is that there is BIG money to be made for someone that can force fart on command and do it right. Don’t believe me? Just ask Red “Thunder-Clap” Jones. He worked as Eddie Murphy’s Skunk Double in The Nutty Professor.


This movie made over 273 million dollars people!

My book Fart Masters of Hollywood will show you how to prepare for an audition and maximize your fartential. Today’s top actors follow strict regimes of diet and exercise that leave them unable to blast block buster gas.

Chapter one gives you my daily dietary recommendations that will give you the fuel to rule Hollywood.

Arnold Schwarzenegger muscled his way into Hollywood and now you can too.

The sphincter is a muscle that few know how to exercise right. In Chapter two of Fart Masters of Hollywood I pass on to you the seven essential exercises I learned from the nameless Pink Flamingos star known only ass The Singing Asshole If you’ve seen the film you’ll know why learning his secrets will have you clenching top spot at the box office and nipping off the competition.

Once you’ve got your O-ring obeying your every command like Lassie then it’s time to get gassy. Hollywood Gas Masters third and final chapter deals with range and technique. In it you’ll learn things like the pump action, the slow balloon, the one cheek sneak and complete and total mastery of the Silent But Deadly (with guilty grin). There are tips on leg lifting, hand wafting, cupping and releasing and even throwing your ass. With an arse-nal like that you’ll have no problem blowing directors away. Need more proof? Ferris “Bugle” Malone recorded both parts for this scene from Extreme Movie in one take just 6 months after reading my book!



Look, it’s 2 PM. You’re on the couch. You’re watching Small Wonder. Meanwhile I’m on my solid gold Yacht farting elephant cheques.

(the S. S. Bought With the Wind)

You need to write a cheque for your future. Just four easy payments of $19.95. It’s like a gentle sulfurous breeze through your bank account. Order now and I’ll also include this microphone spray shield so you can go into your first audition looking like a pro.

Now I’ve got to get back into the studio.

I’m recording a special request for Larry the Cable Guy’s Blue Collar Celebrity Wedding.

Trust me. Fart Masters of Hollywood works! Pick up the phone. Make the call. Who knows, you could be the next Farting Garry.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Got a nice card picked out for my special lady.

Not to mention a little something for her to slip into later.

She’s gonna look great in them while she cooks me up something romantic.

As for me, I’m gonna be wearing a little something special too.

The best part? It’s not even my hair.

It’s amazing what you can do with a little glue, a little patience and love in your heart.

Yeah, we’re gonna push the A. V. Unit into the bathroom and watch a romantic movie in the tub.

I hope we can get it in there. The bathroom is a little cramped.

Not to worry. We’ll soon both relax when I slip the most romantic movie of all time into the VCR.

You guessed it. 

Garbage Pail Kids.

P.S. I actually found this in the laundry room of my building about a year ago.

Somebody actually gave this to someone that they liked.