I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Sit On It Winnipeg! The Fonz is Still Cool.

Big, Big news people. Fonzie was given the key to Winnipeg this past weekend while appearing at an auto show.


Now for those that aren't familiar with the city of Winnipeg, it's basically like getting the key to this.

If it was located smack dab in the middle of this.

The mayor said,

 Is there any young man who didn't go to bed saying a prayer, ‘Please let me wake up as The Fonz’?

They might have changed their mind if they stopped to think that Fonzie's father abandoned him as a child and he had a very hard childhood, growing up dyslexic even and became estranged from his mother too. Something tells me that under that cool exterior was a very sad man. Nice one Mayor of Winnipeg.

(File Photo: Mayor of Winnipeg)

But let's not let the moribund sadness that is Winnipeg keep us from reflecting on Fonzie's awsomeness. There are a lot of people around now that didn't grow up with Happy Days and didn't get to experience Fonzie first hand. Looking back now some might even say Fonzie wasn't that cool. Trust me, he was cool.

And if that didn't convince you, keep in mind that they orignally wanted to cast Mickey Dollenz from The Monkees as Fonzie.

(File Photo: Not Cool)

See... Fonzie was cool. Thankfully Fonzie's coolness lives on in many ways. Milwaukee (the location of Happy Days. For the location of Sad Days, see Winnipeg) has erected a statue to Fonzie known as the Bronze Fonz.

Conan O'Brien kept the cool alive when he fired Fonzie's waxy doppelganger out of a cannon.

Spike Lee reminded us all how cool Fonzie was when he had him Russian dancing in a Weezer video.

Then there's all the great Fonzie memorabilia. 

I have this Fonzie Happy Days record. It features hits of the 50s, the Happy Days theme, the Fonzie song and an impressionists track of all Fonzie's favorite sayings so you can listen and practice them. 

(The Honk)

It also has a fold out flap on the back so you can stand the record up. That way Fonzie can look at you while you listen. Man I wish I had that Sit On It pin. Even more so I wish I had a pair ofFonzie socks.

Fuck these are awesome!

My shins would be the coolest shins in town. My shins would even be cooler then The Shins.

And they're a rock and roll band!

But the greatest testament to the legend of Fonzie has to be that Jump the Shark phrase we keep hearing all the time. For it was Fonzie himself that jumped the first shark and I don't care what anyone says. He still looked cool doing it. Let's see you pull off a leather jacket and a bathing suit.

So there you have it. My tribute to Henry Winkler, Arthur Fonzarelli, The Fonz. And if you don't like it. Sit on it douchebagamundo! Yes Fonzie gave us amundo too.

P.S. Fonzi's leather jacket is now in the Smithsonian. Now there is a museum worthy article of clothing. Not that bullshit O.J. suit.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Happy Birthday Strange Animal.

Today marks 25 years since Gowan’s Strange Animal was released (at least that’s what he said when I saw him on CP24 this morning).

Gowan was the first concert I ever attended. I was 10 and my mom took me.

I don’t remember much about the concert. I remember that he jumped off a marshal stack. I also remember he had one of those crystal pyramid things.

(This may be the actual one from the concert or maybe not. I’m not sure.)

I think he held it and looked into it while he sang Criminal Mind or Moonlight desires. I remember at the end of the song he threw it into the audience. I thought that was really dangerous. Imagine getting hit with that thing. That would suck. Kind of like this but in reverse.

I also remember that at the end of the concert people were doing that thing where they hold up their lighters. I’ve heard rumors that people now do the same thing with cell phones and ipods.

If this is true and they’re not just taking pictures then that is the gayest thing ever. If I was performing on stage and that happened I’d walk off.

We’re sorry folks but Johnny has had to cut his concert short. That thing you all did when you held up your phones and swayed… yea that was uncomfortably lame and has given him the Jheeps. He’s backstage now trying to replenish his awesome centers by watching Roadracers. The show’s over people.

Back to Gowan. Not only is it 25 years since Strange Animal came out but it’s also 25 years since the height of the 80s look I like to call Modern Primitive (I know those people with lots of piercings, scars and tribal tattoos like to call themselves that too but they suck). The 80s Modern Primitive look was kind of like a punk look and kind of like a new romantic look but with more feathers and bones and a weird kind of native/savage quality to it. David Lee Roth had the look when he made Eat Em and Smile.

Bobcat Goldthwait definitely had the look as Zed in the Police Academy movies.

Even Dee Snider jumped on the bandwagon for Twisted Sister’s Stay Hungry album cover.

But Gowan captures it best in his Strange Animal video. That weird jumpsuit with the animal skins on it and that bone. The bone is key. According to Gowan's (terrible) website he is actually two people Strange Animal and Lawrence Gowan. Apparently he was cloned and that bone he is singing with holds his unique DNA or something. It’s all in the Truth section of the site. Along with a number of other statements I find confusing and sad. Speaking of sad, Gowan is now the lead singer of Styx.

(I’m not sure which one he’s replaced. Hopefully all five because who wants to look at that mess?)

I wonder if they still do Mr. Roboto?

Styx - Mr. Roboto
Uploaded by manon42. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

Somehow I can’t picture Gowan roboting. He’s too much of a free spirit. As proven by this signed photo.

Kimberlee - Do Great Things in Love and Music – Gowan

I hope Kimberlee took Gowan’s sage words to heart. I hope she spent the second half of the 80s giving two handed hand jobs and learning the keytar.

Ominus Spiritous.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Littlepeople Channel

A while back I wrote about how CGI was putting stuntmen, ugly actors and midgets out of work. Well scratch the last one. Midgets are making money hand over stubby fist.


It’s all thanks to The Learning Channel. I don’t know what’s going on with that station but their head of programming must be a midget obsessed freak because they just keep churning out midget shows. Did you know they now have five different shows about Little People!! What the tiny fuck??!!

First there’s Little People Big World.

This one is the mother ship. LPBW started it all. This is the one with the midget parents that have one midget son, two regular sons and a regular daughter. They live on a hobby farm and sell pumpkins or something (sounds like something Gnomes would do). I used to watch this show. My favorite episode is when they travel to the Little People Convention and you get to see them all dancing. It would have been even better if the floor opened up and this guy started throwing shapes.

I stopped watching because I always thought the dad was kind of an asshole. Turns out I was right. He was arrested for DUI.

Oh and also I was jealous that the regular brother got to wear all these cool Dwarf shirts with impunity.

Then there’s The Little Couple.

(Who would get this on DVD?!)

I’ve only seen this show a couple times. From what I can tell they’re basically your typical annoying upper-middle class couple except they’re both freaky small (under 4 feet). If I remember right they’re planning to move from New York to somewhere down south and buy a house. This is sure to be a hit with all the calf brained TLC viewers because it takes so many shows that they already watch (wedding shows, travel shows, home buying shows, home renovation shows) and make them more entertaining by adding midgets. Now you get to ooh and ahh over someone putting a marble counter top in their kitchen and then you get the added novelty that it’s being installed 3 feet off the ground. Plus little things are always cuter then big things. Who ever came up with this concept is a TV mastermind.

Next there’s Our Little Life.

This seems to be about a midget couple that have a regular size baby. All I can say after watching that clip is that the mother seems like a total bitch and I liked this concept better when it was called Honey I Blew Up the Kid.

There’s also Dwarf Adoption Story.

I saw this one last week. It’s about a Dwarf couple that travel to Albania to adopt another dwarf child. The mother dwarf already has a dwarf child from a previous relationship (with a huge black guy, they showed a picture)but I guess they want another. They try to make a big deal out of how Albania is so non-dwarf friendly . Yeah, neither is anywhere else last time I checked. Except maybe Kunming, China.

From what I saw of Albania on the show, it didn’t seem much different then North America. A little more run down maybe and every man under 50 seemed to smoke and have a crew cut.

(typical Albanian)

And last but not least we have The Little Chocolatiers .

A show about midgets that run a chocolate shop.Seriously? The Little Chocolatiers! This is about as close as you’re going to get to watching real live Oompa Loompas.

So what is it with all these midget shows? Are they for all those out of work midgets laid off by George Lucas that are just sitting around watching TV all day? I’m surprised they didn’t have a live broadcast of Ping Ping’s funeral.

(1988-2010 RIP)

All I know is that they’re taking the spotlight away from what real midget talent we have left. Like Weng Weng.

P.S. Do all these little guys have double names or what?

Friday, March 19, 2010

I've got a case of the Jheeps!

I’m sure you’ve all heard the word Schadenfreude before. It’s a German word that describes deriving pleasure from the misfortune of others. Like when someone gets hit in the balls and we all laugh.

But I want to know if there is a word for another feeling I get from time to time.

See I was flipping through the TV guide the other day and I saw that Bravo or some channel was showing a live performance by Fiest. You know, that irritating 1234 ipod woman.

Now my first thought was Wow, people still want to see her? And then I started thinking about that 1234 song and how popular it was. Then I started picturing young hipster couples in their condos or town homes having a romantic evening while listening to Fiest, making out and having sex while listening to 1234.

(the morning after)

Needless to say this gave me a creepy feeling that was something between anger, shame and embarrassment. But I wasn’t angry, ashamed or embarrassed at myself. The image that I had conjured up was so lame that it made me uncomfortable to picture it. That is the feeling I’m talking about. Let me give you a few more examples.

Witnessing someone getting married while dressed as Admiral Ackbar.

Attending a serious Air Guitar contest.

Looking at Donald Trump’s hair.

Watching Corky sing Fight the Power in that episode of Life Goes on.

Watching any episode of Ready or Not.

If you’re not getting the feeling after all that then you are not human. Go power down for the rest of this post.

So is there a word for this feeling? I’ve been looking around and the closest I can find is the term vicarious shame. But that’s two words and I want it to be one. Looks like I’m going to have to make the word myself. Cue the montage.

Whew. Ok the new word is Jheeps. It’s short for the Johnny Creeps. Don’t like it? Too bad! My feeling, my word. I can’t say I’m in love with it either but I can’t think of anything better. Probably because I can’t stop thinking about that Corky video.

So now when you’re sitting around and someone switches the TV to an old SNL rerun and oh god it’s a Chris Kattan sketch.

You can say Change it! That little fucker is so lame he’s giving me the Jheeps!

I was going to post a video of a Chris Kattan sketch but I can’t bear to watch one either. So instead here’s a video of Tom Servo making fun of Chris Kattan. Enjoy.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Happy State Sponsered Irish Racism Day!

I don’t understand St. Patrick’s Day. Why are so many people that aren’t even Irish celebrating the Irish? And why are they doing it by reinforcing every ridiculous Irish stereotype?

I don’t seem to recall anyone doing anything to celebrate the Chinese back on February 14th. Come on. Why weren’t you all out driving your cars badly and trying to Kung-Fu fight each other?

You didn’t even have to dress up. All your clothes are made In China anyway. But nooooo. All you did for Chinese New Year was go to the Mandarin and eat your own fat fucking weight in crab legs during their Kung Hei Fat Choi buffet special. So what makes the Irish so special?

Here in Toronto we already had a parade last Sunday. Why? I don’t know.

(This is bullshit!)

Now everyone is gearing up for the big today. And with the weather being so nice it’s sure to reach drunk-con 5. I’m staying as far away from downtown as possible. I saw posters everywhere advertising a big St. Patrick’s Day Party at Tattoo Rock Parlor (I guess the bar name Worst Place In the World was already taken).

(I like how it’s sponsored by Jaggermeister. Bragora!)

And look who’s going to be there the Mahones!

Mahone Guy # 1: Hey Mahone Guy # 4, we’re having our promo shots done today. Are you going to wear your Ramones t-shirt?

Mahone Guy # 4: Hell yeah! It’s Punk Rock!

Mahone Guy # 1: Ok. But wear the one with the Ramones crest up to the side because I’m wearing the one with the Ramones crest in the middle, ok?

These guys are the poorest representation of Irish culture since these guys.

(tracks 1-10 are Jump Around)

You know who else is going to be there?

This guy:

And this guy

And probably these two shit heads:

Yep, definitely staying away.

Now don’t get me wrong. There are some things I like about St. Patrick’s day.

I kind of like that old guy that dies his beard green every year.

One year there was a squeegee punk down on Queen St. that spray painted himself green on St. Patrick’s Day. He was green for like two months after that I used to see him laying around down there all the time. It was great. Sadly I’m most certain he is now dead.

St. Patrick’s Day also means that the award winning Leprechaun films will be in heavy rotation on television. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

EMBED-Leprechaun Rap - Watch more free videos

It also gives me an excuse to pull out my Pogues records. God Bless Shane McGowan.

And here’s a St. Patrick’s Day video no one can deny enjoying:

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I don't have internet access... unga bunga.

It amazes me when people say I don’t have access to the internet. That’s like saying I don’t have access to a phone. Not even a payphone!

The only people that still use payphones are drug dealers and crack-heads. They should all just get walkie-talkies together (except the crack-heads would undoubtedly sell theirs for crack).

Ten four good buddy. Lung Warts over and out!

But you don’t even have to pay for internet access. You can go into any library and use their computers. Sure you might have to share it with homeless men that want to look up pornography but it’s still free.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to lend a helping hand to those out there that claim to have no internet access. I’m going to provide you with a service.

The internet by mail.

Here’s what you do:

1) You write a letter to me and tell me what you want to look up online.

2) I (or one of my trusted staff of library homeless men) will Google your query, print off the list of findings and mail it back to you.

3) You select which of the Google hits you’d like to investigate further, circle it and send it back to me.

4) I (or a hobo) will click on you selection and screen print the resulting website. All further clickable areas on the website will be highlighted and the printed copy will be mailed to you.

5) If you wish to delve further into your selected web page, simply circle the highlighted clickable area on your web page print out and return it to us.

6) We will repeat step 4.

7) You may repeat step 5.

8) We will repeat step 6.

There will be an initial charge of $5 for your search and $1 for each additional click, plus postage. For the cost of only $10,000 you can join our VIP mailing list. I will hand deliver your search results on horse back, wearing my finest tweeds like the messengers of old.

Now I was about to give you payment and mailing instructions but wait. You’ll never see this. Because you don’t have access to the fucking internet! Well too bad you ridicules collection of cavemen, CHUDs and Amish. Instead I will post videos to offend you all. Good day.

P.S. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass?

Answer: A mechanic!