I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Christmas with the Creeps.

Oh Creepshow, I know I’ve treated you like a redheaded step child lately but it is Christmas time and I’d like to make it up to you. Let me get you a present. What would you like? A tumblr ? We have lots of tumblers. I’m drinking out of one right now.

Tell you what. Let’s spend the next few days together checking out the top selling toys are for kids this Christmas. Maybe that will give us some ideas…

The Razor eSpark Electric Scooter.

Are you kidding me?! This is a terrible toy on so many levels. First of all, a powered push scooter for a child? As if today’s kids need an excuse to be lazy. They spend half their life staring at  glowing rectangles. The very least you could do is encourage them to go outside, put their foot on the on the ground, push and propel themselves forward briefly. But no! Standing is more than enough for today’s youth. Why not go all out and get them a rascal and a set of dentures until their adult teeth grow in?

Ghost of Christmas Future File Photo: Your daughter in 20 years.

Secondly, it makes sparks.

Now I’m not one of these worrisome spastics that wants to ban any toy that could be considered even remotely dangerous. Hell, I’m still mad about what they did to the Micronaughts. I firmly believe that the future world could use a few less dumb adults. But how long do you think baby Einstein will have that scooter before he’s getting the gas can out of the garage and trying to recreate 88 MPH? Well I say if he is going to do it he should learn to do it the hard way like I did.


Plus this:

Plus this:

Equals this:

And finally, giving a kid something like this on Christmas morning can totally back fire. Kids wait the whole fucking year for Christmas. So when they run downstairs on Christmas morning

Or around back to the trunk for you guys.

they are going to want instant gratification. A Razor eSpark may be fine on Christmas morning for you people living down south but here in Canada Christmas morning can look like this:

And you know what that means… Timmy can’t go outside and play with his new toy so Timmy plays with it in the house. Timmy scoots head first into the wall knocking down daddy’s poorly mounted 72 inch flat screen toy. The neighbors hear shouting and call the police. The police show up and see bleeding crying Timmy and half-in-the-bag daddy. Daddy spends the rest of Christmas in jail.

Oh, yeah, and stop naming everything like an iPod. Next.

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