I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

On the sixth day of Jheepsmas some loser gave to me...

How many times have you been hanging with you're bros

Or hired brostitutes

and you're watching the big game or playing Halo and you get distracted by your wife or girlfriend teetering into the living room with a huge plate of snacks? You're all like, Oh shit, is she gonna fall? And you could get up and help her but you know if you do you're going to miss a goal or someone is going to kill your guy. Then while you're contemplating what you should do one of your other bros gets up and helps her and she says, Oh thank you Jerry and then gives you that look?


I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Johnny, this happens to me allll the time. I know. I know bros. I feel ya. I feel ya. And it's like you could send her to Africa to learn to carry the stuff on her head.

That could be a party sub up there!

Or you could send her to Germany to become one of those Oktoberfest booby girls.

Look! They can carry like 8 beers!

And they're drunk!

But those are both pretty expensive Christmas gifts to get her and she'd probably think you were kind of insane. Lucky Uncle Johnny has got you covered once again with todays gift. The MAster Blaster hot dog and sub launching cannon!

The Master Blaster is a handheld Co2 powered launching device that can fire a hot dog or submarine sandwich up to 350 feet! With this baby, she could bring you your snacks without even coming in the room. But don't take my word for it. Watch this sonofabitch in action.


Off the top of my head I can think of about 843,000 reasons why this would make a perfect gift for any woman but here are just a few:

- Your husband just left for work and forgot his lunch again. You could run down the driveway in your robe waving his sack lunch like an idiot or you could load it into the Master Blaster, send him a text that reads, Think fast! and open the window.

- Maybe you're rich and like to eat at one of those long rich people tables. No need to nod at Jeeves when one of your guests asks for another foot long. Just slide it down the Master Blaster, adjust the dial to your table length and execute a perfect launch into her white gloved hand. Your guests will love it and your eccentricity will be the talk of the country club. Also all the money you save on butlers can be spent on desperately trying to hold on to your youth.

- It's made from aircraft aluminum. I don't really know what that means but I'm sure it's good.

- It's named after that giant retarded guy with the midget on his back that Mad Max had to fight.

File Photo: Former Prime Minister of Australia

- Here's a scenario. You awake in the morning to the sound of breaking glass. You turn on the light and there's that creepy handy man you hired last week standing at the foot of the bed with a bloody screwdriver. Don't panic. With the help of a pail of expired subs kept beside the bed, the Master Blaster has got you covered. Time to execute what I call the Double Tap. Launch one putrid sub to his upper bleachers and another to his gold seats. That'll teach him to keep his dangerous psychosis and disgusting urges to himself. (Or to not wake you to call an ambulance because he's severed his wrist on that glass door you asked him to fix.)

You see. Buy not buying her a Master Blaster hot dog and sub launching cannon you're actually putting your loved one at risk. It's the right thing to do.

Oh and don't forget to splurge on the custom sub foam cover. When it comes to entertaining. Women are all about the details

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