I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Scarface Update/Happy New Year!

There’s a cologne. Repeat a COLOGNE!!

When will it end?

What do you think it smells like? I’m going with gasoline and Chinese dog pee.

Oh yes and Happy New Year.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Not a Nice Place to Visit & I Wouldn't Want to Live There.

So I got the movie The Hangover on DVD for Christmas. It’s a funny movie. I like Zach Galifianakis. He’s funny. I like Ed Helms. He’s funny too. The movie reminded me of something though. How much Las Vegas sucks and how horrible it must be to live there. Giving someone a ticket to Las Vegas is basically like handing them a license to be a complete and utter douche bag.

You know what it’s like to live a typical day. You get up. Have breakfast. Hit the pavement. Maybe you drive to work, maybe you take public transit. You work your day (screw you artist types reading this that spend all day at home doing practically nothing and then complain that you have no money). On the way home maybe you need to stop at the grocery store or do some shopping. I’m talking about one of those days that isn’t your worst day but it’s far from your best and when you get home you’re glad it’s over. Got a good picture of it in your head? Well if you lived in Las Vegas you’d have to live those days, all of them, dealing with this:

All over Las Vegas there are these roving bands of pumped up shit heads all dressed up in various outfits they believe to be “money”. They’ve been watching Casino, Swingers, Fear & Loathing, Scarface and yes now The Hangover all week in preparation for their trip. If you live in Las Vegas there’s no escaping them. Although they might only be in town for a few days StretchUVs are trooping in hundreds more to take their place.

The worst part is that not only does the city condone them, the city encourages them. They’re always advertising Vegas as “Sin City” and throwing that tired old phrase around “What happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas”. (God, it physically hurt me to type that. It’s like the literary equivalent of leather pants, worse then the line from Fight Club even.) If you live in Vegas not only do you probably get to hear that every day but if you go out you get to hear it being spoken dead serious by some alpha chimp to his horny loser friends before they all cheers and make a bro-pact. (If you’re a half-way decent looking girl living in Las Vegas it's probably best that you just don’t leave your house). Hell, never mind hearing that stupid phrase. If you physically stay in Vegas you get to witness first hand all the gross bullshit that stays in Vegas.

Then there are all the Douche Bag celebrities that live there.

Chris Angel

If I ran into this guy even once at the corner store I’d have to move. Knowing that his greasy stripper fingers may have touched something I might eat would be too much for me.

Carrot Top

Knowing that he’s even on the same planet as me already gives me screaming night terrors.

Siegfried & Roy

I don’t want to be out walking my dog one night, happen to glance up at their bedroom window and find out the real reason that tiger went nuts.

My heart goes out to you citizens of Las Vegas. You have it even worse then New Yorkers. At least they can revel in the knowledge that they’re expected to be an asshole to anyone that visits their city.

The only Vegas Vacation I’ll be taking is with Cousin Eddie.

Friday, December 25, 2009

My 10 Most Awesome Christmas Presents!

Merry Christmas friends, family and selection of weirdos lurking online. In the spirit of the season I have compiled for your viewing pleasure (actually probably more for my own pleasure) a list of what I believe to be the 10 best presents I ever got for Christmas.

1) The Alpha Probe

There must have been a time when I didn’t hate space because I LOVED this thing. Never mind that the Astronauts look more like disco deep sea divers and space travel might have been difficult with all the windows down, the Alpha Probe ruled. It had that cool curly plastic thing that made the figures look like they were floating in space and there was three chunky rubber buttons on the wing that you could press to make sound effects. The only good sound effect was the take-off noise. The other two I think were alarms of some kind. One was probably to tell them to roll up the god damn windows and the other was to alert Punky Brewster to turn on the tv because the Challenger was about to blow up.

Go to 5:11 in for the goods.

2) Gauntlet for My Commodore 64

This game was at the Appleby Mall and I always wanted to play it but even though it was a four player arcade game:

I could never play it because guys like this hogged it all day.

When I got this game for Christmas it was the only thing I wanted and I remember my parents hid it at the back of the tree Red Rider Bee-bee Gun style. I was so happy that the 2 hours it took to load it seemed to fly by. Then it was nothing but this:

“Your Warrior needs food”

3) G. I. Joe Headquarters

I wanted this for my birthday but never got it. Three solid months of successful whining and begging bore results. The G. I. Joe Base had it all.

- A big gun at the front to shoot any Cobras that got too close (or Iraqis as Americans now call them ).

- A Command Center to keep tabs on the two vehicles and one helicopter that the base holds. (What is this G. I. Joe’s Canadian headquarters?)

- A drunk tank for Shipwreck to sleep off his rum ration.

- A garage with a lift so that Rock N Roll can work on his Chevy Nova.

- An open top concept that provides the Joes with lots of fresh air and a good view of any incoming missile attacks.

I know it looks like a total piece of shit now but I loved it and happily spent hours setting my Joes up in it. Later on, after seeing Police Academy, my sister would sneak into my room with a hand made sign that said “The Blue Oyster Bar”. She’d stick it on the base and rearrange all the Joes so they were dancing together. This infuriated me. Who knew I was so homophobic as a child?

I know everyone has seen these but I can’t resist:

4) Handmade Batman Cape

There were these old ladies at the Appleby Mall that made and sold scarves, toques and mitts. I think it was for charity or something. Anyway they also sold handmade superhero capes and I got a batman one for Christmas. I think it was made out of felt. It was blue with navy blue piping around it and the yellow bat symbol on the back. There’s a picture of me standing in front of the Christmas tree wearing it along with my sister’s navy blue tights. What’s that? Yes, that does sound kind of gay. I guess I wasn’t that homophobic as a child after all.

5) My first DVD Player

Ok it wasn’t as cool as that but it was still an awesome gift and it did have something in common with this Terminator one beyond playing DVDs. The first movie I got with it was Detroit Rock City starring Edward Furlong who also played the little creep in Terminator 2.

A lot of people think Detroit Rock City sucked but I like it and I still love the scene with the Guidos.

Try to watch this movie with the Gene Simmons commentary on. Try to. I dare you.

6) The James Bond Lotus Submarine Car

This was the car that James Bond drove in The Spy Who Loved Me. The toy version had a button on the top that you could press to turn it from a car into a submarine (fins popped out and I think the wheels retracted). It also fired little red missiles that I called “Timothy Dinks” because they looked like our pet cat Timothy’s penis.

7) Revenge of the Nerds: Panty Raid Edition DVD

Revenge of the Nerds is tied for first place with Bachelor Party as my ultimate favorite movie. Not only does the Panty Raid edition contain (horribly unwatchable) deleted scenes like when the Nerds go to a fraternity convention in Las Vegas dressed as Africans but it also contains great commentary by Curtis Armstrong aka Booger.

8) Plush ET Doll

I loved ET as kid. After I saw that movie I became obsessed with him. I started a club called the “ET Touch the Stars Club” and I was the president because I wore a pair of jeans with ET on the back pocket (again, I guess I wasn’t that homophobic as a child). The clubs main goals were building traps and putting them out in the woods to catch our own ET, talking about how much we liked ET and boycotting ham (I thought that ham looked just like ET when he was sick and refused to eat it). I also wore this creepy plastic ET finger that glowed when you squeezed a battery pack and looked more like a sex toy:

The plush ET that I got was the same as the one in the picture above. It didn’t really look like ET. More like a cross between ET and a teddy bear. I don’t think it was a licensed ET product. Still, with my summer time ET Touch the Stars Club long since disbanded (they grew tired of never actually catching an ET and craved ham no doubt), my new plush ET became the sole conduit for my ET affection.

P.S. Although I did enjoy the ET movie I’d kind of like to see an alternate Rambo version where ET just hides in the woods picking off the Government Agents one by one saving the man with the keys for last and healing all his orifices shut with his glow finger.

9) Skid Row “Slave to the Grind” shirt

My aunt and uncle sent me a Skid Row t-shirt for Christmas when I was about 14 years old. I never liked Skid Row and I never really liked heavy metal. (Attention metal geeks, please refrain from posting comments saying Skid Row wasn’t heavy metal they were hair metal or other such nonsense. It’s all the same. I don’t care and you’re a loser if you care). Now that I’m older I do have a collection of metal records that I enjoy with a certain mocking appreciation but none of them are Slave to the Grind. No matter how you look at it Skid Row sucks.

Except 18 And Life. That song is awesome and the video is awesome:

I thought this shirt was a pretty shitty gift at the time. Maybe I should have expected it seeing as they sent me a Bon Jovi tape for my Birthday a few months earlier. Over the years I’ve grown to appreciate my Skid Row t-shirt. A white trash dress up party and one Halloween have seen me dawning it as a center piece. Now Slave to the Grind sits folded in my bottom drawer uncertain of its future. Maybe I’ll send it to my nephew when he turns 14. Thus carrying on the unwanted legacy.

10) Castle Grey Skull

I don’t remember much about playing with Castle Grey Skull but I sure do remember getting it for Christmas. That’s because the box was fucking HUGE! Every kid should get a Christmas present that comes in a box as big as them at least once. It really makes for the wow factor regardless of what’s in it. What’s in Castle Grey Skull? Let’s have a look:

Jeez, nice place you’ve got here Skeletor. I’ve seen crack heads and gangster rappers with more furniture. At least you’ve got your trap door throne there. Too bad He Man and every other figure was too ripped to fit through it.

No bathroom I see. No problem there as I hear steroids make you constipated. But what’s with the elevator? Shouldn’t you have a winding staircase so you can blast your calves on your way up to Beastor’s room?

Yes a closer examination reveals why I don’t remember much about playing with Castle Grey Skull. Because it sucked. No wonder Skellator was such a negative jerk. Castle Grey Skull was like a porn star… an alluring exterior with a possible hint of danger but inside… lifeless, dead and empty (except when stuffed with meaty oiled hulks).

There it is folks. For better or worse my 10 most memorable Christmas presents. Everything a boy could dream of on Christmas morn. I hope you all had a great Christmas and Santa brought you something good. It will never be as good as Revenge of the Nerds: Panty Raid Edition or the Alpha Probe but that’s life.

Sing me out Blacksploitation Raisins!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Johnny’s Great Gift Ideas for Kids.

Christmas is only three days away and many of you will be faced with having to buy presents for little people (children not midgets). This can be a daunting task but worry no more. I am here to rescue you with great children’s gift ideas.

Bum Fights DVD

The secret world of the homeless is mysterious and engrossing to children. Kids are always interested in learning about what it’s like to be a grown up. That’s why Bum Fights is perfect for them. Parents can also use this DVD as an educational tool to warn children about what the future has in store for them if they don’t work hard in school and respect mommy and daddy.

Placenta Bear

Wondering what to do with your newborn’s placenta? Follow designer Alex Green and fashion it into a teddy bear? You can name it Vincent Bendict after Danny Devito’s character in twins

Hitler Doll

Soon the last of our World War II veterans will pass away. It is our duty as the citizen’s of the countries they fought for to pass along their memories. Graphic war footage and dressing up like Hitler yourself seems to frighten children. I say ease them into history with a Hitler doll. Just make sure to tell them that it’s evil and not to love it.

Homemade Firearms Book

Toys are getting more and more expensive. There’s nothing worse then having a child beg you relentlessly for a firearm only for you to give in, spend $500 on a handgun and then see them play with it for a week and leave it in the school yard to rust. “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime” says the old Chinease proverb. Well I say buy a child a gun and you entertain them for a day. Buy a child Ronald Brown’s Homemade Guns & Homemade Ammo book and you entertain them for a lifetime (However long that may be… worst case scenario you cross him off your list for next year).

Not to worry though. How could this be dangerous?

Children’s Tread Mill

Today’s children are fat. This is because kid’s favorite food is candy and escalating television quality, internet social networking and parental fear of pedophilia means that children can no longer play outside. That means they need a tread mill. Don’t let them use yours. They’ll only break it and you’ll have to move your shirts off it.

Portable Toilet

Little kids always have to use the bathroom and it’s always when there isn’t one around. Let little Timmy Shit Pants pull this around in his wagon and the problem is solved. In no time at all he’ll be shamed into holding it in and you can put it away until the next time you go camping. Just don’t mix it up with the cooler.

There you go. More then enough there to get you started. And when the little creeps hug you extra tight because they love their gifts so much, tell them to thank Uncle Johnny.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

What Villains Eat.

The life of a villain is shrouded in mystery. As far as anyone can tell their days are spent lounging on thrones, laughing maniacly, skulking in the shadows, yelling at henchmen and awaiting the final showdown with a hero or pitch-forking by an angry mob. But they still have to eat. Here’s what villains eat:

The Phantom of the Opera:


He lives in the sewers below the opera house. What else is he going to eat? When he appears in the rafters at an opening night soiree he might grab a couple of deviled eggs on the way out but for the most part the Phantom of the Oprah is eating rats. Not so Romantic now, eh ladies? (On the flip side I’m pretty sure Vincent from Beauty and the Beast ate rats too. You hear that middle age women? All your dreamboats are full of RAT MEAT).

Darth Vader:

Baby food.

“Darth Vader is more machine now then man. Twisted and evil” You know who else was more machine then man? RoboCop and he ate baby food.

Grand Moff Tarken (to Stormtrooper): Go to Lord Vader’s chambers and feed him Gerber Strained Peas.

Stormtrooper: But sir! Lord Vader hates peas. Just last week he spit them all over the Death Star and force choked two Stormtroopers and a Biker Scout!

Frankenstein’s Monster:


Frankenstein’s Monster just roamed around sleeping rough and no doubt eating garbage. Dr. Frankenstein basically created a homeless man. Good Job. Just what the world needed, a fucking bum. What’s the next brainwave there Doc? A Frankenhooker?

Dr. Doom:

Grey Peas with Small Pieces of Bacon.

Apparently Dr. Doom rules some fictional world called Latveria. I looked around to see if I could find out what the Latverian National dish is but found nothing. So, I’m going with the next closest thing. The Latvian national dish Grey Peas with Small Pieces of Bacon. Yea, he eats that. No wonder he’s so mean. I’m sure he probably also eats soup, peanuts, Yops and whatever else he can jam into those little holes in his face.

The Joker:


The joker was a crazy person. All the crazy people in my neighborhood eat at McDonalds or Coffee Time.

I could go on but every other major villain eats either steak or people (see Blofeld, Dracula, Hannibal Lecter, Lex Luthor etc). Except for Cruella Devil who like all old vain rich women lives off a steady diet of Martini olives and jiggalo sweat.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Hill Billy the Kid.

Why are we forcing our babies to learn about farms? Seriously, have you noticed how many toys there are for babies and toddlers that revolve around life on the farm? The newest one is this Learning Farm from Fisher Price (I think you’ll find that Fisher Price is the MAIN offender when it comes to these toys):

This one is all electronic and interactive. The cow on the left teaches kids manners. I can see that going over well. Little Billy asks for a cookie and mommy says, “What do you sayyyy Billy?” The kid then points at her, laughs and says “COW”! Mommy bursts into tears and crawls into bed with her old friend Xanax while Little Billy, unsupervised, drowns headfirst in the toilet.

Way to think ahead Fisher Price.

The little pig on the right is a bit more safe and simple. The child rolls his belly and it turns from dirty to clean. Watch Daddy. Shit covered, clean! Shit covered, clean! Daddy takes another slug of Crown Royal, shakes his head and wishes it was that simple.

I don’t know what the chick at the top does. I’ve only seen the commercial once. By the look of the musical note on its belly it I’m sure it plays some loud tinny song that will drive little Billy’s parents insane. We all know where this is headed:

But I digress. My point is why do children need to learn about farms? If you weren’t raised on a farm the chances of you growing up and working on a farm are slim to none. And if you were raised on a farm you don’t need these:

Just look out your God damn window!

Ok. Maybe it’s not just about the farm. Kids like animals. A farm play set is a good way to introduce young children to some of the animals that are a part of our lives. Just don’t tell them what they’re really for:

Do you know how hard it is to get little kids to eat? Do you really want to tell them the yummy hot dog they’re eating used to be this:

Or that those delicious chicken nuggets that they’re enjoying used to be these:

I didn’t think so. Besides, by the time they’re older we won’t even need farms. All our food will come from replicator machines, the internet or (my favorite) we’ll just have our brains removed and put in sturdy robots.

A rudimentary paste will sustain our organic functions and that’s something that babies are already pretty familiar with (for more on this watch Robocop).

So no more farm toys. They’re useless. Get your baby an I-phone, an auto-tuner or some fiber-optic cable to play with.

Prepare it for the future:

P.S. This was the farm toy I had as a child:

My sister and I called it the Fat People Farm. God knows how they ran a farm with no arms and legs? One of our favorite summer pass times was to place the little fat people on the road in front of our house and cheer when they’d get run over. With no fat people to tend to it the Fat People Farm fell into disuse until it was taken over by Cobra and used to sort and store Destro's/my Halloween candy.