I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I understand the lemon for a head but why is his meat pants on backwards?

Have any of you ever been to Bulgaria? Maybe you’re there right now.

My new bicycle route to work takes me past this Bulgarian deli every day. I’ve never seen a Bulgarian deli. I kind of want to go in and see what it’s like but I’m also kind of afraid. This is how I imagine my trip to the Bulgarian deli will take place.

Location: Bulgarian Deli, Toronto, Near future…

(A handsome man enters.)

Bulgarian Deli Owner (eyeing him suspiciously): You are not Bulgarian! I know Bulgarian. What do you want little man?

Me: I just moved to the neighborhood and I thought I’d come check out your deli. Hey, what kind of cheese is that?

Bulgarian Deli Owner: You know nothing of our customs! Your presence here is an insult! I should take this cheese and SMASH you!

(The handsome man flees to the sound of boisterous laughter.)
Maybe I’m getting carried away but maybe not. I don’t know. I don’t really know anything about Bulgaria, that’s the problem. But not to worry, I’ve been researching the country extensively. Let me share with you what I have learned.

5 Facts about Bulgaria:

1) Due to its location in south-eastern Europe, Bulgaria is part of the Balkan Peninsula and Bulgarians can also be referred to as Balkans. Hmm, sounds kind of like Vulcans. I wonder if they have an affinity for Star Trek?

God, let’s hope not.

Still it might not hurt to wear a Vulcan hoodie.

But I better leave my mohawk and ghetto blaster at home.

2) Bulgaria is in contact with aliens. Leading Bulgarian astrophysicist Latchezer Filipov claims that aliens are living among us.

I’m pretty sure this is him.

He claims to have contacted aliens and posed 30 questions to them regarding world problems and he says that the aliens have answered back in the form of crop circles.

Hey! These aliens are alright.

3) Bulgaria is famous for its yogurt.

Lactobacillus Bulgaricus is a bacterium that can only be found in Bulgarian air. It’s what gives Bulgarian yogurt its unique flavor. Swedish yogurt on the other hand is made by taking milk and having Jocelyn Wildenstein stare at it for an hour or two.

4) In Bulgaria yes means no.


Calm down there drunken date rape guys. What I mean is that in Bulgaria they nod their heads for no and they shake their heads for yes. Here I’ll let them explain it to you.

See, totally backwards!

We’re still big over there.

5) The Bulgarian town of Varna has a donkey running for mayor.

Now I know you all think that’s crazy but it isn’t really. Bulgaria has only allowed multi-party elections for a little over 20 years and even here in Toronto we have a pig for a mayor.

Or possibly some form of space slug, you be the judge.

Hell, in Rabbit Hash Kentucky they have a pig and a donkey running for mayor.

So there you have it, a crash course on Bulgaria. Armed with this knowledge I’m confident that I won’t be mocked or beaten with cheese. Which is great because I can’t wait to make a matching Bulgarian Happy Shepherd Boys that look like Kris Kross.

Smell Ya Later.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Please welcome Musclemag’s next Beef-Pump Flex-Off contestant… Hot Buttered Johnny.

Muscly guys are sad, retarded, hilarious.

Now I’m not against exercise. I love walking my dog and riding my bike and even hitting the weights can be fun sometimes.

But seriously guys. You really think this looks good?

I don’t think there are many women out there thinking Mmm, I wish my guy’s thighs looked like the back of the Elephant man’s head. And you don’t want to meet the women who do.

Did I leave the faucet running and forget to take the garbage out? Oh hey Snooki!

And having big muscles isn’t going to help you out in the long run. Let my man Carl break it down for you.

But there’s no point in trying to stop you. Guys that are into being muscly are REALLY into being muscly. Take Musclemag for example.

Can you believe that this exists and that it’s not a joke? Grown men have actually picked up that magazine, read the headline Grow your guns and said, Yes, this is for me. They also seem to enjoy pictures of guys making faces like this.



Can you imagine being the photographer for this?

Alaine Begre: Ah oui, bon smile at the back, veeeery sexy. Now you in the front, make a face like you have diarrhea in reverse.

Try Staring at that picture for 30 seconds without laughing. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

But forget the magazines. They also have online forums. Yes, message boards where all the profile pictures are bathroom mirror self shots. I think they serve the dual purpose of letting other members on the forum know how ripped they are and making sure that members are actually ripped and not some pencil neck who is just faking being ripped so they can be a forum member. And who wouldn’t want to be a member? When you’re done blasting whatever muscle group you’ve chosen to blast today you can sit back, cool down and tell a bunch of other meat heads about it. Or you can get a consoling I feel for you Brah after confessing your tragic tale of having to piss and shit with a boner during your first date with an asian girl.

But best of all are the body building competitions. Anyone can grow muscles and flex them while silently screaming but it takes a true artist to take it to the next level.

A striking representation of mankind’s struggle with the ever expanding presence of technology in the modern world. (Or he just really likes Terminator 3.)

How they haven’t turned this into TLC show or at least a bad action movie I just don’t know. I’d like to choreograph one of these flex offs. I have a great idea for it too. I’d have to train my muscly guy to flex all of his muscles independently and at different times. Kind of like how a drummer can keep different independent rhythms with both hands and feet. Can you imagine how freaky that would look? I’d send him out in a Speedo to the tune of Popcorn.

Yeah, I’m full of good ideas, right Carl?

Twist those dirty bags!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Rumors of my death have been somewhat exaggerated... glancing at my fingers... like a chip?

Hey guys. Remember me? I know I haven’t been around in a while but I’ve been busy boxing up my life and becoming an adult.

Mark this box Bedroom.

Yes I’ve been moving into my new house and haven’t had much time to rap at ya. I know, I know, I should have said something sooner. I feel like that guy that fingered you at Gordo’s party and then didn’t call you all summer. And then you saw him 2 weeks after school started in the parking lot of Big Bear eating dill pickled chips and trying to land a kick flip.

I was totally gonna call you but I lost your number. I fuckin swear.

But unlike him I promise I will get back to you. In the mean time please enjoy this video by another Torontonian who hasn’t been around in a while. Moe, I’m an adult now.