I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Christmas with the Creeps 2: That 80s breakdancing movie. The second One.

How about an...

Air Swimmer.

Now we’re talking! I know it looks kind of gay but so does everything else in that picture. You’ve got to see it in action.

Two questions come to mind regarding that commercial. 1: Why were all the kids at that party in bathing suits? And 2: Was that mall they showed the same one that Commando went nuts in?

For my own personal enjoyment, I’m going to say… yes.

But back to Air Swimmers. I think I like them. In a weird, freak people out kind of way. If I had one of those and a time machine I could go back to Woodstock circa 1969 and rule.

Yes master.

Then again if I had a time machine I could go back to 1971 and write Smoke on the Water before Deep Purple does (it’s really easy to play) and rule anyway without even needing the fish.

Yes master.

There are a few problems with the Air Swimmer though. First off you have to fill it up with helium. Unless you’re a clown or a pedophile (most often one in the same) you probably don’t keep a tank of helium at home. That means you can either give it to your children on Christmas morning un-blown up along with a, kid-pointless, speech about how rad it will be 3 days from now when you finally get it filled (note: your child will cast it into the lame pile along with the sox and the educational toys) or you can do the right thing and fill it up before hand. Now,  not only does that mean having to suffer through the pain of going to one of those depressing party stores on Christmas eve but also how do you wrap it?

2 words: You can’t.

And that kind of spoils the surprise. I suppose you could still make it a surprise by flying it into little Timmy’s bedroom on Christmas morning and scaring the living shit out of him but that can be done a lot more cheaply with a real dead fish.

Timmy, wake up, Santa’s here!

But the biggest downfall of the Air Swimmer is that it’s going to pop. You know it is. I’d give it an hour after your kid gets his hands on it to 48 hours tops. And then your child will cry and demand a new one. You can give in if you like but that will just send you into an endless downward spiral of exploding balloon fish, tears and financial hardship. What the Air Swimmer people should do is include a little conciliation prize inside the balloon kind of like a piƱata. Nothing major, maybe some candy or a little toy like you get in a Kinder Egg.

Hmm. Maybe include some ear plugs too.

All in all I’d say the Air Swimmer is a pretty cool toy but maybe not for Christmas. It will probably wind up on the bad toy list next year when some stoner kid flies it into his own face while toking up and winds up looking like he’s been hot boxing with Travis the chimp.


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Christmas with the Creeps.

Oh Creepshow, I know I’ve treated you like a redheaded step child lately but it is Christmas time and I’d like to make it up to you. Let me get you a present. What would you like? A tumblr ? We have lots of tumblers. I’m drinking out of one right now.

Tell you what. Let’s spend the next few days together checking out the top selling toys are for kids this Christmas. Maybe that will give us some ideas…

The Razor eSpark Electric Scooter.

Are you kidding me?! This is a terrible toy on so many levels. First of all, a powered push scooter for a child? As if today’s kids need an excuse to be lazy. They spend half their life staring at  glowing rectangles. The very least you could do is encourage them to go outside, put their foot on the on the ground, push and propel themselves forward briefly. But no! Standing is more than enough for today’s youth. Why not go all out and get them a rascal and a set of dentures until their adult teeth grow in?

Ghost of Christmas Future File Photo: Your daughter in 20 years.

Secondly, it makes sparks.

Now I’m not one of these worrisome spastics that wants to ban any toy that could be considered even remotely dangerous. Hell, I’m still mad about what they did to the Micronaughts. I firmly believe that the future world could use a few less dumb adults. But how long do you think baby Einstein will have that scooter before he’s getting the gas can out of the garage and trying to recreate 88 MPH? Well I say if he is going to do it he should learn to do it the hard way like I did.


Plus this:

Plus this:

Equals this:

And finally, giving a kid something like this on Christmas morning can totally back fire. Kids wait the whole fucking year for Christmas. So when they run downstairs on Christmas morning

Or around back to the trunk for you guys.

they are going to want instant gratification. A Razor eSpark may be fine on Christmas morning for you people living down south but here in Canada Christmas morning can look like this:

And you know what that means… Timmy can’t go outside and play with his new toy so Timmy plays with it in the house. Timmy scoots head first into the wall knocking down daddy’s poorly mounted 72 inch flat screen toy. The neighbors hear shouting and call the police. The police show up and see bleeding crying Timmy and half-in-the-bag daddy. Daddy spends the rest of Christmas in jail.

Oh, yeah, and stop naming everything like an iPod. Next.