I've got it all figured out.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

On the first day of Jheepsmas...

The season is upon us. And by the looks of Santa up there, I'd say the second phase of rigger is upon him. (The key is the bloating First stage corpses tend to, more or less, keep their original shape.) There's only se7en shopping days left until Christmas! (Ok, 6. This is posted lated. I'm busy too you know.)

File Photo: Saturday!

Not that it matters. I know all you out there are done your shopping. The only people still shopping now are those sad losers that wait until the last minute. Those shitty husbands, those meat-head boyfriends, those frazzled dads, those weekend dads.. That's right, men.

File Photo: You!

Dudes! You've only got one person to shop for and you can't even get that right! You're running around swearing you're not going to get her a gift card (news flash, you are) and you're pushing and shoving in La Senza to get her that Mrs. Claus/Mrs. Elf/Something to do with Christmas whore lingerie set for $40  in RED (because the green one is trashy). And the whole drive home you're thinking of what you should have said to that guy with the glasses that took your parking space and you're thinking of the first 3 moves you would have used on him had he responded to your battle cry of, you fucking shitty shit with the windows rolled up.

You in front of the mirror 3 hours later with 2 Coors Lights in you.

Let's face it. You need help. And thankfully, Uncle Johnny Creepy is here for you. I'm going to give you not 1 but  Se7en perfect gift ideas for the lady in your life. (Or the lady that will be in your life once she realizes that all those phone calls and window wanks are romantic.) One present for each day this week. Let's Begin.

On the first last day of Christmas some loser gave to me....

The   Prayer Cross Neckless from Montebello Collections!

Not convinced by that shitty picture and the promise that you've seen in it on TV?

Watch the commercial.

Still not convinced??!!

Let me tell you why this gift rules:

- It's made from Austrian Crystal! (You know the guys next to the Germans make good stuff.)

- It comes with a certificate of authenticity! (Because counterfeiting this would be very profitable and we all need to be careful.)

- It comes in both child and adult sizes! (If you're dating a midget you don't want her straining her neck lugging around the adult size. That might ruin Christmas Eve La Senza night.)

- It comes with a beautiful display box that you can open for her just like it's something really important! (That snooty looking bitch in the red bob looked impressed.)

Trust me fellas. Click on the link, giver her a wink, and prepare your dink. The Prayer Cross Neckless is a guaranteed action gift.


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