I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Let's just say that if you ate a Manwich you'd have quite the Manwich eating grin on your face.

Remember a while back I was talking about funerals? Well I’ve been thinking about it again. No, not MY funeral dingi. I’ve been thinking about celebrity funerals. Did you see the footage from Malcolm McLaren’s funeral?

Sure Malcolm McLaren was kind of a dick but he was a punk icon and he went out in style. That got me thinking. I started wondering what other celebrity funerals are going to be like. But the only way to find out would be to travel forward in time somehow. Sounds like a job for my trusty time machine that I’m sure you’ll all recognize from a certain movie, wink, wink.

That’s right. I’ve got the time machine built by H. G. Wells that Jack the Ripper used to travel forward in time to 1979 San Francisco in the movie Time After Time (I got it off Craigslist).

So I’m off to go check out some future celebrity funerals. Smell you later. (Or earlier depending on what I set this thing to). Epileptics, stick your wallets in your mouths ‘cause things might get a little seizurey.

Well I’m back! Man the future sucks. No flying cars yet, the new Rolling Stones album blows and if you think Macaulay Culkin looks weird at age 30

wait until you see him at 60.

Publicity shot from his new future film Funeral Home Alone.

But enough of that weird creep. Let me tell you about some of the celebrity funerals I attended.

Anthony Frank Hawk: May 12th, 1968 - December 4th 2068

Tony Hawk always said that he’d never stop skateboarding and he was right. Tony died after attempting to 50/50 grind Danny Way’s stairlift while Danny was riding up it to use the bathroom.

Future File Photo: Moments before the accident.

The funeral was held in San Diego, California. After a touching eulogy read by Animal Chin

He’s immortal and will never die.

mourners were treated to the spectacle of Tony Hawk’s coffin launched down the giant X-Games ramp where it did a McTwist and an extra 900 before rail-sliding into the crematorium oven.

What an exit!

Donald Stewart Grapes Cherry: February 5th, 1934 – February 4th, 2014

Poor old Grapes died just shy of his 80th birthday. He was on his way to Sochi to commentate on the Canadian Olympic Hockey team for the 2014 Winter Games when he missed a connecting flight from France. Forced with the notion of having to spend an entire day among the French, Don decided to take his own life.

Future File Photo: The last thing Don Cherry saw.

Don Cherry’s funeral was held in his home town of Kingston, Ontario. After an open casket wake featuring Don dressed in a suit made from swatches of all his other hideous suits, the lid was closed on a custom made coffin on skates. A team of white bullterriers representing Don’s beloved dog Blue then pulled the coffin to its final resting place out in Lake Ontario whilst the theme to hockey night in Canada played.

Then they played Chris Sheppard’s Rock’em Sock’em Techno and everyone got drunk on Labatt 50. Smell you later Don.

Nicole Snooki Polizza: November 23rd, 1987 – September 2nd, 2011

Yeah about a year from now Snooki chokes on a… cough, cough… pickle and dies. The funeral was held in the alley behind the MTV studios in New York City. It turns out that she had no family and was an orphan owned by MTV. The other Jersey Shore cast members were supposed to attend her funeral but the guys wanted to go creeping at some shitty night club and the girls didn’t want to get left out so they went too. So as it turns out I was the only one at her funeral. The priest looked at me and I kind of shrugged and then he nodded his head and Carson Daley (he’s the MTV janitor now) stuffed her into one of those little white kitchen garbage bags and threw her in the dumpster at which point a disheveled looking Downtown Julie Brown popped her head up out of the dumpster and shrieked, Meat’s back on the menu tonight!

Future File Photo: The Circle of Life.

Yeah I just kind of threw that one in to cleanse the pallet.

Terry Gene Hulk Hogan, Hulkster, Hulkamaniac Bollea: August 11, 1953 – April 3rd, 2015

The world lost the Hulkster after he ironically strangled himself with his own 24 inch pythons while trying to rip a particularly beefy Haines Beefy Tee off his back before bed.

The funeral was attended by the Hogan family, including his estranged wife who is now dating the three year old playmate of Brooke Hogan’s illegitimate child.

Many of the former Super Stars of Wrestling were in attendance as well as a large portion of America’s mentally challenged. Pallbearers included Rowdy Roddy Piper, Brutis the Barber Beefcake, Ricky the Dragon Steamboat, the surviving Bushwhacker twin and of course Paul Bearer.

Macho Man Randy Savage

Who now looks like Macho Man Randy Santa.

uttered some unintelligible nonsense by way of a eulogy

and then suplexed the Hulkster’s star-spangled coffin into an open grave. Earth was then thrown over the coffin and the Earthquake splash-packed it down.

That’s all the celebrity funerals I attended. All that time traveling made me hungry and a can of Manwich pate is next to impossible to get in the future after the horrifying discoveries of October 12th.

If only they knew. Shudder.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Ayatollah no fish bowla!

I read an article today that said Iran is trying to ban pets.

Apparently Iran is banning all ads for pets, pet stores, pet products and anything else to do with pets. I’m assuming that includes things like the opening and closing treasure chest for fish tanks.

And Ferret denim.

And it’s all because of this guy.

Grand Ayatollah Nasser Makarem Shirazi. Kind of makes you think it’s time to resurrect an old favourite from the t-shirt drawer.

First of all, the guy is 86 years old! He’s just jealous of pet owners because he can’t even buy a hamster for fear that it will outlive him.

Yes, Funeral Home? I’d like to order one Ayatollah sized shoe box. Yes, Reebok will be fine.

The Ayatollah also thinks that dogs in particular should be banned because they’re unclean. Well if you’re going to ban dogs for being unclean then you better ban this guy too.

He practically lives in that suit and from what I hear he has B.O. so bad that it offends China. China! Now I’ve never been to China but as many of you will know I’ve been to China Town and let me tell you, if that’s a sample of what it smells like in China then Ahmadinejad must have to trick his shirts into the hamper with a trident and a net. In fact he probably needs that nuclear reactor just to wash his y-fronts.

Iranian File Photo: Spin Cycle.

Oh and Ayatollah. That thing Ahmadinejad said about Iran having no gay people. Yeah you might want to check up on that too.

Look, I’m with you on the banning haircuts thing.

I think we're all getting a little tired of seeing things like this:

And douche bags like this:

And the only time I’ll tolerate a mullet is when it’s atop Van Damme in Hard Target.

van damme owned snake
Uploaded by aucun-honneur. - Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

I’m also happy to see that the approved Iranian haircut catalogue includes quaffs. That means that the Iranian people won’t be deprived of soul-strutting glory that is Wayne Cochran.

But no pets? Commmmeon Iran. Be cool.

A house full of pets is a house full of love.

And sure sometimes living with my dog Mutton is kind of like living with a homeless person.

Yo buddy, I lost my wallet and I'm trying to get enough money for a bus ticket back to Barrie...

But hey, at least I didn’t make her President.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0005

Oh wise and powerful internet. I kneel before you and lay at your feet (or wheels or wires or whatever the fuck you have) this offering of floppy disks.

I only ask that in return you bring forth the answer to this question that has troubled me for so long.

Question 5: Whatever happened to white dog poop?

I know this question and its subject has been the butt of many a retro joke by modern comics. Sarah Silverman wrote a song about it. Will Ferrell was forced to lick it in Step Brothers.

And I’m sure Dane Cook has got about two hours of material on it. And I think Good Luck Chuck might have been made out of it.

But all that aside, what DID happen to white dog poop? I remember seeing it all the time when I was a kid. It was weird and white and if you tried to get it on the end of a stick to chase someone with it, you couldn’t. It was hard and it would just crumble. Sometimes the guy across the street from my house would be mowing his lawn and he’d run over a piece and you’d hear this clanking noise and then it would fly out the side of the mower like a bullet, skid across the road and explode against the curb. It was the only thing funnier than watching him run over the electric mower cord. He should have got a Jacobsen.

Or a sheep.

But now it’s all gone. What happened to it? Was it only made by a certain breed that no longer exists? Did aliens discover that it’s an excellent alternative fuel source and come down and take it all? Maybe King Haggard (there’s a name you kind of have to grow into) moved on to destroying it after he finally killed the last Unicorn?

This movie was essentially 92 minutes of animated van art.

Appease me Magic Internet. Unleash your Red Bull to hunt down the elusive white dog poop. Or at least tell me the story of its demise.

Beep. Click. Clack. Booooop. (new wave album sound, eh) Zuuurp. Zip. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: Munch, munch. Mmmm, I love floppy disks. I haven’t had one in sooo long. I think this one had Choplifter on it. Thanks Johnny. Now, the answer to your question has two parts. The first part deals with the changes to ingredients in dog food and the changes to dogs’ diets over the years. 30 years ago many dog owners purchased real bones from the butcher for their dogs to eat or chew on.

But supermarkets eventually changed the way most people buy meat and pet food companies realized that most people thought real bones were gross. So they started making fake ones out of things like rawhide.

Oops, not that kind of rawhide. This kind:

File Photo: Mmmmm.

You see the subtraction of real bones in dogs’ diets and the decrease in bone meal in dog food means that today’s dogs are ingesting a lot less calcium then the dogs of the 70s and 80s. It’s this calcium that gave old dog logs their white colour and chalky consistency.

But wait, you say. It’s not white when it comes out the dog’s butt. How does it get that way? It takes time for white dog poop to become white. Essentially all of the organic matter in the poop needs to be consumed, leaving behind the calcium. Much like a body decomposes until there’s only a skeleton left behind.

I say chaps. I’m feeling like white dog shit today. I think perchance I might be dead.

And that brings us to the second part of your answer. Some dogs today may still be consuming diets rich in calcium but dog owners and city cleanup crews are much more diligent in the removal K-9 paydays and thus said turds are not left around long enough to turn white. Please allow Al Jaffee to elaborate.

So there is the snappy answer to your stupid question. Now if you’ll excuse me all this talk about dogs retro rump cigars has left me feeling a tad queasy. Uh oh, oh no!


Burp. Hmm, I feel much better. Oh and here’s a freebie that you might get a kick out of considering today’s question. You wondered earlier about the nature of my feet. Well today I’m wearing. Drum roll please…

Vintage white loafers! Rim shot!

Get it?

Why are you shaking your head?

Friday, August 20, 2010

Forget Smokey the Bear, Team CHEWBACCA assemble!

Did you hear about the woman in B.C. that had a marijuana grow-op.  guarded by bears?

B. T. the Bear

See now this is news. This is what I want to see when I open my newspaper every day. This is what I’m all about.

And this.

Now I’m no criminal but if I were to grow marijuana, you better believe no one is taking my future stash. First I’d have it hidden so no one could spot it from the air. Like that fake pool that Cheech and Chong had in Nice Dreams.

Or better yet I’d hide it in an inactive Volcano like Blofeld had in You Only Live Twice where James Bond gets in that little helicopter and tries to find it but then the SPECTRE guys come in their helicopters and then there’s a helicopter fight and James Bond’s helicopter fires missiles and all the little buttons on his helicopter are labeled with an old label maker and Sean Connery looks ridiculous and cool all at once and it’s awesome.

First zapped and now this. Why aren’t movie posters cool anymore?

Except I’d be the one flying the little helicopter to and from my grow-op. and if I catch you trying to steal any of my plants you’re going to get the flamethrower. Only it won’t be fire that comes out because I don’t want to burn down my plants so instead it will just hose you with methhead puke. And trust me, you don’t want that.

Fill ‘er up with premium, dude.

Only I can’t be flying around guarding my weed plants all day. I’m a rich drug dealer now. I have things to do. I’ve got to sit by my pool and watch bikini girls swim, get flames painted on the side of my little helicopter, buy oversized gold rope chains and let Hightimes take pictures of my weed for hippies to jerk off to.

So I need some sort of guards. Not bears though, that’s been done. Maybe I could get some of those radioactive boars radoactive boars from Germany. Or better yet bigfoots! Yes, bigfoots. A team of them to patrol my volcano base. And they’d all have crossbows.

Silent and deadly. You’d only catch a whiff of their stink and then thud, a crossbow bolt would be in your head. I’d have nine of them. Nine bigfoots and they’d all have names and they’d all wear a special hats so I can tell them apart and they’d all have specialties and the first letter of each of their names would spell out CHEWBACCA.

Roll call!

Name: Charlie.

Special Hat: One of those wicker Vietcong hats.

Specialty: Booby-traps.

Favorite food: Pizza.

Name: Hector.

Special Hat: Giant Sombrero .

Specialty: Knives.

Favorite food: Meatball sub.

Name: Eli.

Special Hat: Von Dutch Trucker Hat.

Specialty: Invisibility.

Favorite food: Garbage.

Name: Willy.

Special Hat: Solar Powered Fan Hat.

Specialty: Demolitions.

Favorite food: Foot long corndog .

Name: Barry.

Special Hat: Buffalo Wing Hat.

Specialty: Smashing things with a big rock.

Favorite food: Pizza.

Name: Albert.

Special Hat: Ferrari Hat.

Specialty: Completely shaved for extra creepiness.

Favorite food: Popcorn Shrimp.

Name: The Chads.

Special Hats: They share a Pith helmet.

Specialty: Gymkata.

Favorie Food: One likes Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups the other likes Pizza.

Name: Arnold

Special Hat: Got Poker visor (to show off his pompadore).

Specialty: Communications/Demolitions

Favorite food: Chunky Beefburger Soup

There. Try to steal my weed. Try it. I dare you. In fact I want you to try. Team CHEWBACCA, if you need me, I’ll be in the tub.