I've got it all figured out.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 52: Return of the Magic Internet!!!

Hey guys. Long time since I tapped at ya. Anyway, I was wondering what you eat for breakfast? If you’re a student you’re probably partial to left over pizza.

Mmm, the Tillsonburg special.

Don’t forget the Parmesan.

And if you’re a baby spending Saturday morning with your weekend dad then you probably get this:

Plus this:

Mixed in this:

And if this is your dad:

Then you’re having this:

Do to my Scottish upbringing I like the good old fry up for breakfast.

The basic fry up consists of eggs, beans bacon and a fried slice. Some people add sausage, fried mushrooms or fried tomatoes. Being Scottish I like to add black pudding and a potato scone to mine. The fry up is so popular that it even comes readymade in can form.

It doesn’t get much better than that.

But sometimes I wonder what people in other countries eat for breakfast. I mean I love trying foreign and exotic food for lunch and dinner but when it comes to breakfast it’s got to be dried blood and oatmeal in a sausage casing fried up with a bunch of other crap. But maybe I’m missing out. Only one way to know for sure...

Question 52: What do people in other countries eat for breakfast?

Magic Internet Answer: Hmm. Your posing of a somewhat interesting and intelligent question almost makes up for ignoring me for the past month. I will assume that you do not want a list of what is consumed post-brief-ritual-huminoid-hibernation in every single country. Even though it would take me nanoseconds to do it, it would take your puny human brain hours to read it. So I have decided to educate you on the breakfast cuisine of countries who’s food you already enjoy consuming later in the day. Let us begin with China.
I just assume everyone in China eats this for every meal. Done.

Actually sweet and sour chicken balls are rarely heard of in China. Most Chinese prefer to eat noodles and dim sum for breakfast. Zongzi is also very popular.Zongi is made from a gluttonous rice mixed with a filling (usually meat or bean paste) wrapped in a bamboo leaf and steamed. There are Zongi stalls all over China selling hot zongi just like hot dog stalls in your country.

Hmmm. I’m picturing this.

In India rice is also a staple at breakfast. Many Indians eat Idly (steamed rice cakes) or pongal (a mildly spiced rice porridge). In northern India samosas are also a common breakfast food.

If I was an Indian teenager I’d wear this t-shirt to bed and then just point at it when my mom tried to wake me up in the morning.

In Mexico breakfast is called el desayuno and the types of foods consumed are more in line with your idea of a traditional breakfast. Eggs are popular, as are standard commercial breakfast cereals. Tortilas are usally served instead of toast though. And Mexican breakfasts tend to be much spicier then their neighbors to the north. A tripe stew called menudo has also become a breakfast staple in Mexico due to it being a folk remedy for a hangover.

Tripe, huh? That’s a cow’s stomach lining isn’t it?

Still sound better than this Menudo

The Italian’s keep breakfast very simple. Breakfast in Italy is usually just coffee or milk and coffee with a pastry or biscotti, or sometimes tramezzino. Tramezzino is a white bread sandwich filled with things like tuna, eggs, mayo, tomato or ham.

Ha, ha, that’s not Italian breakfast. This is Italian breakfast.

And finally I bet you are wondering what they eat for breakfast in Japan. It is after all the land of the rising sun. A Japanese breakfast usually consists of rice, seafood and fermented foods. It may also contain food left over from the night before and raw eggs.

Raw eggs and leftovers? Japanese breakfast is basically Rocky meets Uncle Buck Uncle Buck Well thanks Magic Internet. That was very informative. I feel like I’ve just rolled out of bed with half the world.

Yeah, kinda like you but at least they all made me breakfast.

Hey one more thing. I bet you don’t know what Shooter McGavin eats for breakfast? He eats shit!

Check ya later.

Monday, November 7, 2011

R.I.P. Cory “Flattus Maximus” Smoot 1977 – 2011

I heard over the weekend that Cory Smoot, aka Flattus Maximus the guitarist for GWAR died.

I first saw GWAR when I was 13 years old. It was the first real concert I attended. (Not counting the time my mother took me to see Gowan and Zappa Costa). I first saw the band in a spread in Thrasher magazine and I remember buying their Scum Dogs of the Universe tape at Cheapies in Hamilton.

To a suburban punk kid with a vulgar sense of humor this was the equivalent of the White Album.

But even the audio majesty of double sided cassette couldn’t compare to seeing them live. I remember buying a cheap white shirt from Bi-way in the hopes it would get soaked in blood. I remember being worried about all the second hand pot smoke I might inhale and wondering if it would cause me to lose my mind

Yes I know today’s 13 year olds smoke 6 paper joints for breakfast but this was a different time.

But most of all I remember this:

Check the fat skin head owning the dance floor 57 seconds in. I love that guy.

I came out of that show with a sweaty pink t-shirt, an over-priced hat and a blood lust for all things GWAR. A week or so later I took the bus downtown to Loony Tunes records and bought Live From Antarctica on VHS.

(I still have it.)

I remember thinking I had something truly shocking and perverse. Although if the footage up there is anything to go by (and it is) maybe not so much. But still I kept it hidden from my parents and would only watch it when they weren’t around.


I did take it to school one day and when the teacher left the room I treated the class to a surprise discreet screening on the art room’s media centre.

The horror…

The teacher came back into the room just as Oderus Urungus was unleashing his copious load all over the crowd.

I could’t have timed it better myself.

I think the only reason she gave me the tape back was because she didn’t want to have to go through the discomfort of having to show it to the principal.

Principal: Who is the deformed man masturbating again?
Art Teacher: Oderus Urungus.
Principal: I see. And who is the blood covered woman in the metal bra and hairy hot pants?
Art Teacher: ...sigh. Slymenstra Hymen.

I’ll admit that Flattus wasn’t my favorite.

I was more of a Balsac guy.

But he was still a great part of GWAR and GWAR will always be a great part of my youth. I’ve seen them numerous times over the years and they’re still one of the best live shows around. I’m glad they’ve decided to keep touring. I may have to go out and purchase a new white Hanes Beefy Tee and a ticket next time they roll into Toronto to pay my respects. And I’d like think that Flattus Maximus is up there in rock & roll heaven telling the Big Bopper how he smoked his entire home planet because it was made out of weed and then cutting one right in Jimmy Hendricks’s face.

So long old friend.

P.S. No Canadian GWAR tribute could be complete without Nardwar.

Smell you later human filth.