No woman wants to have her Christmas ruined by having to watch you smuggle your budgie in Santa’s beard. Not to mention the absolute horror show you’ll put on should you actually get aroused in a pair of those. Don’t forget the lessons learned from the infamous BallBra.
Besides, I’ve got something much better to cover yourself with in the bedroom: the Better Marriage Blanket.
That’s right it’s a blanket that neutralizes fart stink!
Much like lingerie, it’s a gift for her as much as a gift for you. Couple it with a pair of good quality ear protectors.
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And she will no longer be awakened and sickened by your noxious, McRib fueled, trumpeting farts. This one’s a no brainer guys. Just look at what you’re getting according to the Official Better Marriage Blanket Website:
- A real solution to a real problem. (Another solution to this problem might be to not order the Beer and Cheddar soup at Jack Astor’s).
- Odor absorption will last for the life of the blanket. (Think of it as a biological scrapbook of your marital bliss.)
- It doesn’t need frequent washing. Simply refresh the blanket from time to time out in the sun. (Forget Facebook and the Twitter. Think about how much more fulfilling life will be for your special lady friend when she’s meeting up with her friends face to face in a sunny park as they all air out their fart blankets together.)
- A stylish choice of white beige or blue. (Be warned though. No matter what colour you choose they will all end up somewhat beige.)
- A blanket made from the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons. (This might be a bit of an overkill but it’s better to be safe than sorry. With the way fast food is going these days we may very likely see Gulf War Syndrome like illnesses befalling those that are forced to cohabitate with enthusiasts of the KFC Double Down.)
Face it guys. Despite what your mom or strippers say about you
You’re gross and you stink. And unless your wife is a REALLY big James Joyce fan or asked for this last Christmas.
She thinks you stink too. If you want a better marriage for Christmas, this blanket has got you covered. Zing!