Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0043.

 

Sometimes I wonder about all you folks out there reading my blog. I wonder who you are and why you’re reading.

Maybe some of you are 1940s federal agents that accidently fell into a confiscated time machine in one of the Hoover building’s evidence lockers while trying to sneak a quick belt of hooch. And now you’ve been thrust forward into the modern world where you’re hanging on my every word waiting for me to say something pro-communist.

Maybe some of you are highly stylized vainy ninja turtles. Intrigued by my frequent mention of C.H.U.D.s as you live in the sewer and hoping to learn more in between intense lifting competitions.

And maybe some of you are as equally intrigued by me. You may be sitting their wondering, Who is this slightly demented individual, where does he live and why is he so obsessed with midgets and hot dogs?

Electron Microscopic File Photo: My brain.

I could never hope to answer all your queries. But I can shed some light on a couple. Hot dogs are easily transportable, nostalgic and delicious and as for my domestic situation…

A refrigerator box?

Yeah right. Like I can afford a place downtown.

One of those Jason shacks in the woods complete with mother’s head shrine?

Exterior File Photo: Curb appeal

Interior File Photo: Staging.

No. I see enough of my mother as it is. I’d rather have the head of the mother off the Wonder Years. So I can shout at it as a stress relief.

Your husband Jack was such an asshole and you just stood there in the kitchen and took it! And why aren’t you out on DVD yet??!!

But I did recently purchase a house. It’s a nice little house in the east end of the city. And you know what I learned? I learned that the house paint industry is now run by pedantic fuckwits . Let me give you an example. Let’s say I want to purchase some white paint. The last time I bought white paint it came in maybe 3 varieties. There was gloss white, shell white and at a push some form of ivory white. Do you know what I have to deal with now? Tell ‘em Micro Machines guy.

There’s kitten white, romance white, song porcelain white, pristine porcelain white, white pearl, eloquent ivory, ivory coast, artesian white, natural white, cuddle white, wedding silk, macadamia white, Bavarian crème, manuscript white, pelican white, china white, dry martini white, marshmallow, white mountain, quiet solitude, minimalist white, inspiration white, Swiss coffee white, winterwash, stone white, wentworth white, atmosphere white, silk moon, crisp linen, raindrop white, crystal white, pearl drop white, antique white, Belgium lace, winter’s day, quiet retreat, white wing, drifting snow and (my favorite) white on white.

Excuse me Home Depot while I go eat 5 tins of Alphaghetti and puke all the Ws, Ts and Fs all over your fucking paint swatches. They’re all white and this is bullshit! When I was in school my best friend in art class was a guy by the name of Roy G. Biv. If you knew Roy, he’d always help you out come test time. You know why? I’ll tell you.

Red

Orange

Yellow

Green

Blue

Indigo

Violet

Those are all colours. (Although, if you ask me, even indigo and violet are pushing it.) Yes you can get different tones and hues but I hardly think you need some over paid think tank sitting in their offices, downing scotches ala Don Drapper, trying to reinvent the names of colours so they better reflect someone’s mood/food & beverage choice/wedding day.

Megan, call up Benjamin Moore and inform him that orange and brown mixed together is now Country Store.

Burgandy’s Corrrrdoooooovan, wahaaa-ha-ha-ha.

That aside, I do have a few of my own:

bachelor porcelain

veggi dog

some asshole’s car yellow

Some asshole’s car yellow also comes in a brighter hue called some asshole’s jetski yellow. Hey speaking of yellow, I heard a while back that someone did a study or something that showed there was a greater degree of domestic violence in homes that have yellow kitchens.

Guess what colour paint I spilled in the garage?

I don’t know if it was the yellow colour that angered people or if painting your kitchen yellow is a sign of social instability but I always took it as fact. Do you think it’s true? Do yoooou think it’s true Magic Internet?

Question 43: Do yellow kitchens increase domestic violence?



Magic Internet Answer: There is absolutely correlation between a domicile’s kitchen colour and an increase in domestic violence. And you Johnny are a complete idiot for believing otherwise.

Oh yeah Magic Internet. Well I have something to say to you...

Arize Snuffleupagus. ARRRRIIIIZZZZZEEE!

You know what I read yesterday? I read that Japanese scientists are going to clone a woolly mammoth!

As a staunch supporter of mad science I think this is wonderful news. For those of you that peed your pants during grade 4 history and had to be escorted down to the nurse's office by the hall monitor to be forced into a pair of jogging pants from the lost and found:  a woolly mammoth is a great ancestor of the modern elephant that became extinct about 10,000 years ago. Apparently these Japanese scientists are going to insert mammoth genes into an elephant embryo and then insert that embryo into the uterus of an elephant in hopes that the elephant gives birth to a woolly mammoth! I wonder how the elephant's mate will feel when he sees the baby? Maybe they'll have to go on Maury Povich to sort it all out.

It'll be like this but with a lot more trumpeting.

And for those of you who say that it's impossible to extract usable DNA from a long dead frozen specimen...

WRONG!

These mad scientist have already done it. They successfully cloned a mouse with DNA taken from a mouse that was frozen for 16 years. The mouse chose to freeze its self after watching 11 seconds of the newly released movie It's Pat.

What is it with scientists and mice anyway? They make them run through mazes, they make them wear lipstick, they shave their little mouse heads and attach wires to their brains. Hey remember when they grew a human ear on one?

Yeah, if we ever get invaded by some alien race that evolved from mice, we're in BIG trouble.

Squeak, squeak squeak. TRANSLATION: You're all in big trouble

Now I know a lot of you have questions and concerns regarding this mammoth cloning.  Please allow me to enlighten you.

1) Isn't it morally wrong to clone something?

Maybe. But we're already doing it anyway so what the hell. In fact I hear that Disneyland keeps clones of all the Princesses in a bunker below Space Mountain for when the current ones die of heat exhaustion or get knocked up by Goofy. Apparently that happens a lot.

Rubbers don't fit on my lipstick. Huy-huyuck.

2) Mammoths became extinct for a reason. Shouldn't we leave them that way?

Why? We are always trying to save other species from extinction. We're just taking a little longer with this one. And besides, look at the Dodo Bird. It became extinct over 300 years ago and people still won't shut-up about it. The Dodo has become the poster bird for extinct species. And look it at. It's the dumbest looking bird I've ever seen.

In fact it's so dumb looking that its name has become synonymous with being dumb. The woolly mammoth would be a way cooler looking spokesman and it would be alive. Plus the word mammoth means huge and that's something everyone wants to be.

File Photo: Everyone's goal.

Speaking of that, did you know that Thomas Jefferson was the first to use the word mammoth to describe something big? It's true. He was an avid fan of paleontology and used it to describe a rather large wheel of cheese that he was given. 

3) If we do clone mammoths, will that mess up our echo system?

Maybe. But I doubt it. We would have to clone lots of them. And from what I hear they only eat tundra grass. Do you eat tundra grass? I sure as hell don't. If there is some animal that eats tundra grass, it will just have to learn to eat mammoths. Problem solved.

4) Isn't a woolly mammoth too big to come to full term in an elephant's uterus?

I don't know. What do I look like a mammoligist? If it is too big they could always try putting it in that horrible Kate woman from John & Kate plus 8. Her uterus has got to be the size of a dump truck. I hear TLC is having the Little Couple move in there for season 4.

Hey that reminds me. Did you ever see that show on Fox where all those midgets raced an elephant while pulling a jumbo jet?

5) Are there any practical uses for mammoths?

Given mans natural instinct to exploit every living thing on the planet, this was bound to come up. Many scientists believe that the reason why woolly mammoths had such long tusks was because they used them to push snow out of the way to get at the tundra grass underneath. (Again with the tundra grass!) So we could use them as snow plows.

All we would have to do is put a blue light on its head and teach it trumpet that beeping sound when it backs up. Sure they might gore a few children that throw snow balls at them for ruining their snow days but to appease the parents we'll just clone their kids back to life.

6) What do they taste like?

One of the dominant theories as to why the Woolly Mammoth became extinct is that it was hunted into extinction by early man.

So that means that they must be delicious. I've also read that woolly mammoths had numerous sebaceous glands all over their body that secreted greasy fat into their fur to insulate them better. In other words, expect to see them added to the McDonald's Extra Value Meal menu by 2016.

I could go on and on but the point is that I'm just not seeing a downside to this. Cloning woolly mammoths is the answer to all out problems. We can look at them. We can pet them. We can ride them. We can attach missles to them. And yes, we can even eat them. So I say bring it on mad science. Up with Woolly Mammoths!

On the first day of Jheepsmas...

The season is upon us. And by the looks of Santa up there, I'd say the second phase of rigger is upon him. (The key is the bloating First stage corpses tend to, more or less, keep their original shape.) There's only se7en shopping days left until Christmas! (Ok, 6. This is posted lated. I'm busy too you know.)

File Photo: Saturday!

Not that it matters. I know all you out there are done your shopping. The only people still shopping now are those sad losers that wait until the last minute. Those shitty husbands, those meat-head boyfriends, those frazzled dads, those weekend dads.. That's right, men.

File Photo: You!

Dudes! You've only got one person to shop for and you can't even get that right! You're running around swearing you're not going to get her a gift card (news flash, you are) and you're pushing and shoving in La Senza to get her that Mrs. Claus/Mrs. Elf/Something to do with Christmas whore lingerie set for $40  in RED (because the green one is trashy). And the whole drive home you're thinking of what you should have said to that guy with the glasses that took your parking space and you're thinking of the first 3 moves you would have used on him had he responded to your battle cry of, you fucking shitty shit with the windows rolled up.

You in front of the mirror 3 hours later with 2 Coors Lights in you.

Let's face it. You need help. And thankfully, Uncle Johnny Creepy is here for you. I'm going to give you not 1 but  Se7en perfect gift ideas for the lady in your life. (Or the lady that will be in your life once she realizes that all those phone calls and window wanks are romantic.) One present for each day this week. Let's Begin.

On the first last day of Christmas some loser gave to me....

The   Prayer Cross Neckless from Montebello Collections!

Not convinced by that shitty picture and the promise that you've seen in it on TV?

Watch the commercial.



Still not convinced??!!

Let me tell you why this gift rules:

- It's made from Austrian Crystal! (You know the guys next to the Germans make good stuff.)

- It comes with a certificate of authenticity! (Because counterfeiting this would be very profitable and we all need to be careful.)

- It comes in both child and adult sizes! (If you're dating a midget you don't want her straining her neck lugging around the adult size. That might ruin Christmas Eve La Senza night.)

- It comes with a beautiful display box that you can open for her just like it's something really important! (That snooty looking bitch in the red bob looked impressed.)

Trust me fellas. Click on the link, giver her a wink, and prepare your dink. The Prayer Cross Neckless is a guaranteed action gift.

High-five!

You can land your Sky Striker right here and you don't have to back it out!

You know what I hate? Those stupid home buying shows on TV. Why would anyone want to waste an evening watching some pin head and his foaming at the mouth wife go around and look at houses they might buy? They even have one show where they show them houses they could buy if they were millionaires. What the fuck is that?! I’d rather watch that monkey drink his own pee for an hour.

Remember me? Ooh Ooh good.

I’ll tell you what; if I was a millionaire I wouldn’t be buying some used cookie cutter mansion like they have on that show. I’d want a new mansion, custom built. Like Penn Jillette’s Slammer.

He even has Garry Busey’s drivers licence above the urinal!

I don’t know if I’d want my house to look like a prison from the outside though. Maybe I’d base it on the G. I. Joe Aircraft Carrier. I always wanted that thing and my parents never got it for me. I’d put a fountain out on the flight deck and one of those driveways where you don’t have to back out. All good mansions have those.

It was 71/2 feet long for fuck’s sake!

I don’t think I’d have a butler. I don’t want some dusty old guy skulking around my house. But I do like the idea of having someone take my hat and coat when I come in the door. Maybe I could dig up Alan Napier and have him stuffed and mounted as a coat rack. He was the guy that played Alfred on the old Batman TV series. But I wouldn’t have him dressed in his butler uniform. I’d have him dressed as Batman. It always cracked me up on that show when Bruce Wayne and Batman had to appear somewhere at the same time and Alfred would dress up as Batman. Who in their right mind is going to believe that a 70 year old man with a white pencil mustache and coke bottle glasses in a baggy costume is actually Batman?

Boy Batman sure has lost weight. Maybe it’s all those prune smoothies we saw him drinking at the last Wayne Foundation Party.

I don’t really care what the kitchen looks like. Just as long as it’s not yellow. I heard somewhere that yellow kitchens increase incidents of domestic violence. Something about the colour and setting that makes people angry. Although I would like a fridge that has a special shelf to hold pizza boxes. Oh and one of these too please.



Now that I’ve made you a delicious snack out of garbage, perhaps you’d like to eat it in the dining room? I guess I’d have to have one of those big long mansion tables that all rich people eat at.

Bonus: Guy in the mirror looks like he’s playing keyboards.

It would be nice to have all the condiments and things on RC cars so that you don’t have to get up to fetch them. I would also like some little jumps for them on the table. I’m a fast eater so this would help to amuse me while I wait for everyone else to finish. And at Thanksgiving the gravy boat could jump the centre piece on the back of one of those rev up Evil Kenevil toys.

After dinner I usually watch TV. I don’t need anything too fancy. Sure I’d have the big HD flat screen and surround sound and all that but I don’t want one of those home theatre rooms with the movie style seating and everything. I don’t really like sitting in movie theatres. I’ll just sit on the couch. I’d have a bean bag chair too but not for me. It would be for people that I don’t really like to sit in. Because bean bag chairs suck.

It kind of looks like a boob because it is a boob. Now take a seat Mrs. Bernell and let’s talk about how much of a bitch you were when I was in grade 4.

I’d like to have a game room. Maybe with like a pool table and a dart board in it. Oh and one of those creepy armwresling arcade guys.

I particularly like this one do to the addition of plastic broads.

Maybe I could have someone famous over to play pool like Brett Baxtor Clark. Yeah I could have Brett over to play pool and then leave the remaining balls on the pool table to remember what a great time we had. Then some reporter could come over to interview me and sink the balls and I’d scream, You ruined my Nick the Dick memento! Then lock him in a closet at gunpoint like Phil Spector did to that guy that ruined his Minnesota Fats pool balls.

Bonus: The judge at Phil’s trial totally looks like Bruce Willis!

Let’s talk toilets. Once again I’m not fussy. As long as it holds pee and poo and gets rid of it when I flush I’m happy. One thing I don’t want is one of those cushioned toilet seats. They’re gross.

Shudder.

The bathtub though has to be good. I want a big bath tub. I’m sick of all these tiny bathtubs made for puny creeps. I want a bathtub made for a man. So big that you can practically swim in it. Like that one Francis had in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

Maybe more of a bathtub made for a man-child than a man.

Upstairs is the master bedroom. And yes I’d have stairs. No elevator, escalator of fireman’s pole. Who the fuck wants to slide down a fireman’s pole on a Monday morning? Maybe I’d have a dog gondola for Mutton because she doesn’t like the going up and down stairs sometimes.

File Photo: Crazy person’s dog.

Now a bedroom should be just for going to bed. So I would like a bedroom that’s just all bed. Just a wall to wall mattress with a bunch of blankets. Sort of like a human nest. Instead of night stands I’d have recessed shelves in the wall. That way I could roll around all night and not worry about falling out of bed. It would definitely have to be one custom made giant mattress though. I don’t want a bunch of different mattresses all pushed together. That would give off a creepy swingers party vibe.

Hey Johnny, I like what you’ve done with the bedroom. Me too. So do I.

I’d need a big back yard for Mutton too. With a big pond for her to swim in. And while we’re at it why don’t we put a jet ski in the pond. In case I ever have douche bags over.

Oh and since Mutton’s a sheep dog I should get some sheep back there . Except then I’d have to feed them and take care of them. I know. I’ll just higher a bunch of midgets to come over once a week dressed up as sheep and she can chase them around for a couple of hours.

And there you go. That would be my house. And I can guarantee it won’t be featured on any of those stupid house hunting shows. Maybe Weird Homes. Now there was a good show about houses. Remember the episode where they showed that crazy guy that built a castle out of old embalming fluid bottles?

Ha. Ha. Ha. He was mentally deranged.

Well I better go. I’ve got to fish a dead midget out of the pond and gas up the jet ski. Criss Angel’s coming over.

Yes he spells his name C-R-I-S-S.

He wants to try one of my magic hot dogs.

Check Ya Later.



The Chippenfail Situation. Alley Oop Oop.

There was a landmark decision made in the US courts last Friday. The US Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit ruled that the Chippendales tuxedo look (wrist cuffs and a bowtie collar with no shirt) is not an inherently distinctive trademark.

File photo: Chippendales’ lawyer addresses the court on Friday.

Apparently the US Court of Appeals feels that Chippendales ripped off the look from Playboy’s Playboy Bunny look.

File photo: Hugh Hefner and his lawyer address the court on Friday.

Don’t feel bad Chippendales. We all know and respect what you were trying to do. You were trying to avoid people having to see things like this.



But at the same time who are you to tell people what they can and can’t wear? I don’t see firemen sending you any cease and desist notices.

Or construction workers and the Fresh Prince for that matter.

It is a shame though. Trademark laws help protect the integrity of your brand. And your brand is definitely important Chippendales. I can’t speak for everyone but when I see a shirtless greased up juice head on stage pumping his garbage in desperate middle aged women’s faces and he’s wearing a bow tie and cuffs. I immediately think Chippendales. That and I shouldn’t have ordered the footlong.


Bachelor Party - "Nick the Dick"

MaddenCowboy
MySpace Video

But hey, lots of people have failed at trademarks and are still to successful. Let me show you.

Donald Trump.

He tried to trademark the phrase You’re fired! and failed worse than his hairdresser. But I’m pretty sure he’s still rich. He’s building a big towery thing here in Toronto and I didn’t find any pictures of him wearing a barrel.

Harley Davidson

Back in 1994 Harley Davidson tried to trademark the sound that their engines make. This didn’t work because companies like Honda and Yamaha argued that their bikes contained basically the same engines so they made the same sound. Harley Davidson eventually gave up. I can’t say I’m surprised that they tried to trademark a sound. I think they’ve pretty much run out of products to put their logo on.

Makes your P.T. Cruiser feel just like a hog.

Makes you smell just like a hog.

Makes you want to have sex with a hog your old lady.

Hey Chippendales, maybe you should try throwing your brand on some junk like that. What’s that? You already have?

Yeah… no one’s going to want to drink out of that.

Mike the Situation Sorrentino

File Photo: Mike Sorrentino addresses the court.

He tried to trademark his nickname the Situation or his abs or something. Whatever it was he didn’t get it. I’m not sure what sort of plans he had for it anyway.

Oh. Oh. Ok… Ummm, I see.

In fact Chippendales you should be less worried about stopping midgets and oafs from donning your cuffs and collars for Halloween and more worried about Mike the Situation. While you’re paying your beefy revue good money to take their shirts off in a club packed full of boilers, Mike is doing it for free. And he’s taking them home and having sex with them too. With that kind of debonair personality it’s only a matter of time before people want to start dressing up as him for Halloween. And then you lose more exposure.

File photo: Too late.

Sigh. And here I was trying to cheer you Chippendales up. Oh well. Time for plan B. I baked you this cake.

Feel free to share it amongst the guys or have them jump out of it or something. Let’s see Mike the Situation top that.

Shit!