The Creepshow!: Up Yer Kilt!

I was reading yesterday that the Scottish Tartans Authority is suggesting that kilt wearers should no longer wear their kilts without underwear. You know what I have to say to that?

As a kilt wearing Scotsman, A take affence tay that. Scots donning their kilts sans shreddies is a tradition that goes back hundreds of years. When I was a little boy I had Uncles that were in the Blackwatch Highland Regiment and they would regal me with tales of having to walk over a mirror to prove that they were wearing nothing under their kilts. (Talk about your don’t ask don’t tell dream job.) If you were found to be wearing underwear you would be reprimanded. That’s because true Scotsman are hard men and don’t need underwear. And if the wind whipping off the North Sea flash freezes your baw bag, so be it. Underwear under kilts is for tourists and wendys.

File Photo: A wendy

And think of the blow to the Scottish tourist industry. Thousands of lonely middle aged women visiting Scotland send this postcard to their friends and work colleagues every year.

An underwearless kilt ban would cost the Scottish economy hundreds of thousands of pence and those poor women would have no source of daily titillation save the hope that the UPS guy is wearing shorts today.

File Photo: Plan B

And what about all the great jokes involving Scotsmen and their kilts? Like this one:

Hamish and Morag are hayin a wee snog up on the hill and Hamish says, Go and put yer hand under ma kilt Morag. Morag says, Aw Hamish! That’s gruesome. Hamish replies, Aye keep goin and it’ll grow some more.

You see?! Literary treasures such as that will be lost forever if the Scottish Tartan Authority has anything to say about it. And for what? What’s their reasoning for going back on years of Scottish tradition? They say it can be unhygienic. I’m assuming that they’re talking about rented kilts. I would think that kilt rental establishments have their kilts cleaned between rentals much the same way I’d hope tuxedo renters do. Especially after prom nights.

Just looking at this kid makes me itch.

They also say that wearing a kilt with no underwear can be obscene. Sure there can be the occasional accident. My sister and many of the guests at her wedding will strongly agree that one should refrain from breakdancing in a kilt (back spin). And because the kilt is usually worn for special occasions a Scotsman reveling in the libations of said occasion may have a lapse in judgment and intentionally showcase his under-kilt finery. But in his defense this usually occurs only after repeated inquiries from equally pissed up women.

The Scottish Tartan Authority needs to stop wasting their time with this foolish ban that I consider an outright insult and focus their attention on the real enemies of the kilt. Who is that you might ask? Well let me enlighten you.

Johnny McCreepShows Most Wanted List for Crimes against the Highland Dress

Leather kilt wearers.

Be they moronic Goth-Punks.

Or creepy Leathermen.

What’s next, a leather turban? The leather kilt is just wrong. Not in here Sonny Jim!

Owners of those stupid urban utility kilts with the cargo pockets.

(If the UPS guy starts wearing this, the Radio Shack next to the Wine Rack is gonna run out of batteries.)

These guys always try to tell you how particle and useful their kilts are. No! Jeans are particle. A jacket is useful. You’re a prick.

Ill fitting kilt wearers.

Be it too long.

Or too short.

Shudder.

Wear it right or don’t wear it at all. Just above the knee you shambollocks!

Guys that wear kilts to sporting events other than Scotland games.

Alright, your Grandad was Scottish, we get the message. Now save it for Scotland games you wee numpty.

East Coast Punk and Oi Band Kilt Wearers.

It is true that punk rock and the kilt go back a long way (What better way for a young London punker to offend his parents than by dressing like a Scotsman?) but this has gone on for too long. If you want a cool look that pays homage to your Scottish roots why don’t you all spike your hair and dress like Oor Wullie on stage?

Rowdy Rody Piper.

No one has brought more shame to the kilt than this man. Just look at that hideous thing. Not only that but both Piper and his disgusting kilt were immortalized as a G. I. Joe action figure last year.

On the side of Cobra no less! Cobra is a terrorist organization. Not only do real Scots not associate with terrorists. We set about them.

I demand that the Scottish Tartans Authority send out some sort of Highlander/Darth Vader combination to rid the world of these affronts to Scottish dignity listed above. On second thought, maybe not.