I've got it all figured out.

Friday, November 27, 2009

This Just In: People Are Dummer then Hamsters.

The CBC, in all its wisdom, has brought to my attention that there is now a hamster hotel open in France. For those of you that are unfamiliar with exactly what a “hamster hotel” is (that would be everyone), it is a hotel where the rooms are set up like a hamster cage and you can live like a hamster. There’s a wheel, a water bottle, shavings on the floor etc… Don’t believe me?

So basically what this is saying is that people are stupider then hamsters. Hamsters don’t want to live in that little cage. They want out! That’s why they gnaw on the bars all night while you’re trying to sleep. Hamsters don’t want to run on that wheel. They want out! They only run on it because they need exercise and there’s nothing else to do. So these people in France are paying 99 Euros a night to live in captivity in a room that is designed to entertain a rodent with a brain the size of a pea. And the rodent doesn’t even really want to be there. It wants out!

What do they do if they want to go for a stroll along Seine? Give them one of these?

Watch out for stairs!

And how come there’s a toilet in the hamster hotel? Shouldn’t they have to piss and shit in the corner like a real hamster? Then let it build up for weeks and weeks until some teenage girl that isn’t interested in them anymore is forced to clean it out by her dad because it stinks and they’re having company tonight?

Growing up I had four hamsters. Fuzz Bucket, Hamish, Rory Calhoun and Jimbo. They’re all now buried in my parents back yard. As a kid I was sad to see them go but I don’t think their deaths traumatized me enough to don a fun-fur hamster bonnet and live like them for a weekend. Do you know why? Because that’s fucking crazy!

I did always want to get this for my hamsters but my mum said it was cruel.

She was probably right. And you know what? Now that I’m older I have no desire to put on a fun-fur hamster bonnet and drag race either.

This is how hamsters really want to live.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

What's Invisable & Smells Like Bacon?

This morning I read that a man in Australia called the fire department for what he thought was a gas leak. As it turned out the gas was coming from the anus of his 265lb pig. All the firemen laughed at him and went home.


I like this story because it is exactly what I imagine Australia to be like, a mixture of Mad Max, Crocodile Dundee and that episode of the Simpsons with “The Booting”.

Here’s a picture of the fire truck that showed up.

And here are the firemen.

I’m sure they carry around a giant can of shook-up Fosters in case there’s an actual fire.

The farting pig was so funny that even the Prime Minster showed up.

He had this to say (actual news footage form Aussie television this morning):

Yep, that pretty much sums up Australia.

I also love Chopper Read.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

All Day long I Dream About Starwars!

Adidas and Star Wars have joined forces for a 2010 spring/summer Adidas Originals collection. Even though I’m not sure if I actually like any of the designs I still want it. I love it when two things I like get mashed together.

Like Hobo + Clown.

Or Potato + Clock.

I’m still surprised by the relevance that Star Wars has. My 8 year old nephew is as big into Star Wars as I was at his age. What do you think the chances are of all these little shit stains that are into Twilight growing up and having kids that share their enthusiasm?

Yea, that’s never going to happen.

I’ll tell you what will happen though.

Me buying these:

And wearing them with these:

Then strutting around to this:

P.S. Sex All Day In Darthvaders Apartment

Monday, November 23, 2009

"Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die."

I happened to watch The Lost Boys this weekend. Wow, I never realized how much that movie sucked. I saw it when it came out on video around 1988 and I remember everyone thinking it was such a cool and dark movie. I guess we all forgot about this scene in the beginning :

**Note: That's not the right audio but it was the best I could do**

Who decided that was a good idea?

The Lost Boys Producer 1: We need to inject some real sex appeal into this film.

The Lost Boys Producer 2: Hey, I know. Why don’t we get Timmy Capello to play Heavy Metal/New Primitive saxophone with his shirt off?

The Lost Boys Producer 1: You mean that really buff long haired guy that played the awesome saxophone in Tina Turner’s video “We Don’t Need Another Hero”?

The Lost boys Producer 2 (with a sly grin and a nod): That’s the guy.

The Lost Boys Producer 1 (getting out of his chair, preparing to instigate a high-five): Shit Donny, you’re a genius!

See the original idea for The Lost Boys was to make them all kids. Like 6th and 7th graders, with the Frog brothers as fat Boy Scouts. Then Joel Schumacher said he’d only do the movie if he could make them teenagers because he thought it would be sexier. I’m assuming Timmy Capello was brought on board to drive this fact home (I like the idea of making them kids but I also liked The Monster Squad).

Then there’s the Coreys. God I hate those two. Especially Corey Haim. The scene where they first meet in the comic store and Sam ( Haim’s character) shows off his comic knowledge while wearing that riddculess outfit… it made me feel uncomfortable watching it. I felt embarrassed. If you'd like to experience it for yourself, go right ahead.

And we all know how Haim turned out (cue much, much more embarrassment).

The other thing I couldn’t understand about this movie is why the Lost Boys were such thrill seekers. If you know you’re immortal and you can’t die, then where is the thrill in riding your dirt bikes really fast along the beach? That’s the kind of thing regular teenagers do. To vampires it should be no more thrilling then watching it on tv (I don’t recall getting that excited when I watched Triple X).

Finally the movie treated the whole “vampire rules” really loosely. Max couldn’t enter the house for dinner without being invited and garlic seems to work pretty well but how come all Michael had to do to become a Vamprie is drink some blood and rock out in front of a Jim Morrison Poster? And how come they could all hang out on a bridge? I thought vampires couldn’t cross bridges? Wait, maybe that’s just Headless Horsemen. Hmm, my brain hurts now. I better stop thinking about The Lost Boys.

No wait! One more thing. What was with that really gay Rob Lowe poster on the back of Sam’s closet door?

P.S. Do you think I should get a high resolution print of this and pass it off as my own?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I Hate the Other johnnys!

Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive again. Any chance they got the wrong Johnny? Do you think People magazine will name him sexiest dead man when he dies? Who’s the competition? Johnny Cash? Johnny Ramone? I think it’s a lock.

All this Talk of sexy Johnny has reminded me of my dislike for other Johnnys. I know it’s a fairly common name but I still feel that other Johnnys take away from my Johnnyness. There can only be one Johnny.

I often fantasize about embarking on a mad quest to destroy the other Johnnys. Each one I slay would make me stronger. Kind of like the Highlander, but way less boring (for me anyway).

Who would be at the top of my list? Let’s see…

Johnny 5

Although I enjoyed Short Circuit I still hate Johnny 5. Plus I was tormented at school with that Who’s Johnny song from the soundtrack. How would I kill him? Pee in a bucket and dump it on him causing him to “short circuit” of course. Oh ho, aha ha ha.

Johnny Rotton

The Sex Pistols sucked. Public Image sucked. And if you’re so punk rock as to not attend your Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction then why is one of your solo songs on the title menu of the computer game All Star Baseball 2000 and why are you on British television commercials hawking butter?

How would I kill him? Seeing as he’s also a racist the opening scene from Die Hard 3 does come to mind, but, meh, I don’t really care. How does pushing him under a bus sound? (A double decker bus. Rule Britannia!) He’s so annoying I just want rid of him.

Johnny Walker from Johnny Be Good

Since when is The Geek cool? The Geek can’t be cool. He’s The Geek.

Johnny Be Good came out in 1988 and 2 years later he made another movie where he played a football player/jock, Edward Scissorhands. And who played the outcast in that movie? None other then Mr. Sexy, Johnny Depp.

We’ve come full circle here people.

Oh and how would I kill Johnny Walker? Who am I kidding? I can’t kill the Geek.
Looks like my plan for total Johnny Domination is over. Instead let’s just watch the original 1984 trailer for 16 Candles.

Auuuuutomobile? Ahahahahahahaha.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Coors Light Mansion Is Full of Hookers!

What is the deal with the Coors Light Mystery Mansion?

Apparently if you drink enough of Coors mildly beer flavored bladder irritant you could win a trip to this awesome secret mansion up in the mountains where you can party all night with other Coors Light drinkers and there will be lots of hot fun girls there that are going to want to have sex with you. Am I the only one that sees something wrong with this picture?

First of all let’s take a look at some of your average Coors Light beer drinkers. There are only 5 reasons why any man would drink Coors Light. (This beer is disgusting. The only good thing they can say about it in the commercials is that it’s cold. That’s something that YOU do to it not them. “Good As Cold Ever Tasted”, that was one of their slogans. What the fuck does that mean??!!) They are as follows.

1) It was free. (Free beer is free beer.)

2) It was the only thing available. (Any port in a storm.)

3) You’re one of those metro-sexual men who’s afraid of getting a gut or you’re already getting a gut and your wife is forcing you to drink light beer. (Enjoy your hyphenated last name you wendy.)

4) You have no taste buds. (In that case why not just drink tonic water or Busch Light?)

5) You’re an idiot.

Now given that this ad campaign is directed at people that already buy Coors Light and enticing them to buy more we can rule out numbers one and two as Coors Light drinkers that will be at the Mansion. Number three’s metro-sexuals are trying to cut down on their beer intake so chances are they’re not going to find an invite and the Pussy-whipped gut guys’ wives would never let them go. Ageusia is pretty rare so that rules out number four. So that only leaves the idiots.

I’m talking about this guy:

And this guy:

And these Guys:

Oh and don’t forget this guy:

Given that we now have a pretty clear picture of what the average Coors Light Secret Mansion goer looks like, what are the odds that any hot women are going to want to have sex with them? Answer: zero. That’s why they must hire prostitutes.
I know what you’re thinking. They probably just fill the mansion with those promo girls you see at sporting events and expos. Girls like this:

Maybe but what girl in her right mind would want to spend a weekend naked and painted up like a Coors Light can, being propositioned and pawed at by 200 drunk, horny losers while you force Coors Light down their throats for $20 an hour? I think Coors Light hire prostitutes. They could hardly cheapen the occasion anymore then it is and it means they don’t have to worry about subduing all the bonered-up,brawling inebriated contest winners with chicken wings at 2 am when the promo girls clock out and leave.

The secret to the Coors Light Secret Mansion? It’s Prostitutes. Filthy, dirty prostitutes.

P.S. Here’s what I Imagine the Woody's Coolers Secret Mansion is like.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Keep That Thing In Your Pants, Please.

Men’s wallets are disgusting. There’s nothing worse then seeing some schlubby guy yank a giant, gross, old wallet out of a pair of ill fitting Dockers and thumb through it right in front of you. They always have a billion receipts in there and little to-no-money. Sometimes there’s duct tape or a rubber band around it. The leather is all smooth and shiny from years of rubbing up against their ass. Eww, that leather. Made supple from friction and retransferred ass-heat. Often even the pocket they keep it in is repulsive. It hugs the wallet and if its denim then it gets those white wear lines around the edges, letting you know he’s been wearing the same jeans with the same wallet in the back pocket for like a decade.

When he pulls the wallet out the back pocket doesn’t even deflate. It keeps the shape of the wallet like some sort of dirty ghost. You’d be hard pushed to notice though because your eyes are on that big disgusting wallet coming at you. A big fat hamburger made by the devil himself. Canadian Tire money spilling out like lettuce, the frayed folded bulk of a half dozen printed Google maps making up the meat, their edges browned from soaking up months of fart gas.


I just want to whack it out of his hand with a stick, spray it with WD-40 and put a match to it. I bet it would scream and curl up like those Face Huggers in Aliens.


I kind of have a problem with guys’ old wallets.

P.S. One time when I was little my friend Spencer’s Grandfather took us to the zoo. We were in a petting zoo feeding goats these pellets out of ice cream cones. Spencer’s Granddad bent over to pet a goat and another goat came up behind him, took his wallet out of his back pocket and ate it! It was the funniest thing ever, watching that old man chase around that goat while it chewed up his wallet. That still makes me laugh when I think about it.

I wonder what the goat’s poop looked like after that?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

He Called the Shit Poop!

When I was about 12 years old a joke shop opened briefly at the Appleby Mall. I went in there one day and bought a can of this stuff called “Instant Smelly Shit”. Basically it was an aerosol can that sprayed out this brown foam that smelled disgusting. Not even like poop, more like a sick chemical hell.

Much like Duck Shirts ISM seems to no longer exist. Here’s a similar product.

I went around the neighborhood spraying little piles of it on the grass then I sprayed some on the porches of people I didn’t like. When I got back home the can its self smelled so bad that I couldn’t keep it in my room. I didn’t want my parents to see it so I hid it in the garage. I wonder what happened to my Instant Smelly Shit? I wonder if it’s still in there?

Instant Smelly Shit…

I miss you.

Here’s the similar product at work.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Dinosaurs Are Now Officially Extinct.

Well I heard this morning that Aerosmith broke up so as you might have guessed I’m off to cry and blow my brains out.

Not sure what the big deal is seeing as Aerosmith hasn’t done anything this century beyond being sampled by Eminem and producing one of the worst album titles ever.

I hear that Steven Tyler is the one that left the band. I’m guessing that he’s going to focus on playing the part of Anna Wintour in The Devil Wears Prada 2.

Still, they had some sweet videos back in the day.

Pandora, Aura, Flora, Door-a?! RIP you fossils.

Friday, November 6, 2009

There's A Dead Midget In There!

This morning as I was biking to work I took a short cut down this sketchy street where all the halfway houses and detox centers are. Sitting on the curb in front of one house was an old vinyl suitcase bulging in the middle.

Now living in the city you tend to see things like this quite a bit and every time I see an abandoned suitcase I automatically think there’s a dead midget in it. Every time. Sometimes I picture a freshly dead midget, sometimes just a skeleton, but he’s in there alright.

I was tempted to stop and open it or at least poke it with a stick but I didn’t. I don’t know what would be worse, the psychological trauma of unzipping that case to watch the bloated carcass of a murdered little person spill out at my feet or the disappointment of unzipping it to find nothing at all save for some old clothes and shoes.


I rode on. Happy with the knowledge that back there in that case is one dead midget. Just like all the other abandoned suitcases out there.

I hope it wasn't Weng Weng. I like him.

P.S. Here's a cool exhibit of suitcases found abandoned in the attic of a state mental hospital.


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Skaters Are The New Homosexuals.

Skatboarding is the only culture with no culture. Skaters seem to take whatever the latest trend is and adopt it on mass. Skatboarding companies see what skaters are wearing and then manufacture it under their label. That’s why companies like DC are making oversized, multi-coloured hip-hop hoodies and skinny jeans.

I was a skateboarder from about 1989 to 1991. After that I got into riding bikes. I still managed to catch the tail end of that whole 80s Skater-Punk culture. Skull & Crossbones (later replaced by the infamous Rat-bones), anarchy symbols, Sk8 or Die, these were all part of my psyche and wardrobe. I basically dressed like one of the Daggers from Thrashin but with way more brightly coloured Life’s a Beach clothes, a Vision Street Wear hip pack and tie dyed Skate Ragz pants. I looked like an idiot.

That pretty much sums it up for me. “Flow Or Go Home”.

Right after I quit skating everything changed for skaters. The Beastie Boys released Check Your Head and it did the same thing for skateboarders that Farrah Fawcett’s hair-do did for mall chicks. Skaters everywhere shaved their heads, bought tight t-shirts and started wearing big pants.

This was the look.

The pants did reach ridicules proportions during skateboarding’s brief romance with rave culture but they settled down to a manageable size 40 or so and it’s a look that can still be seen today.

What I’ve never understood about skating is the fact that it’s a sport that people use to define themselves. People go around saying , “I’m a skater”. No one goes around saying , “I’m a basketballer or I’m a Soccerer”. It makes no sense. Skateboarding is no longer a hobby. It’s like being gay. It’s a lifestyle. It won’t be long before they start taking on animal names to define sub-genres of skating. The Grizzly skater, the Otter skater and the infamous Tony Chicken-Hawk.

Seeing that this is the direction that skateboarding is going in and everything old is becoming new again. I’m going to assume that this is the future of skateboarding.