I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I Hate the Other johnnys!

Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive again. Any chance they got the wrong Johnny? Do you think People magazine will name him sexiest dead man when he dies? Who’s the competition? Johnny Cash? Johnny Ramone? I think it’s a lock.

All this Talk of sexy Johnny has reminded me of my dislike for other Johnnys. I know it’s a fairly common name but I still feel that other Johnnys take away from my Johnnyness. There can only be one Johnny.

I often fantasize about embarking on a mad quest to destroy the other Johnnys. Each one I slay would make me stronger. Kind of like the Highlander, but way less boring (for me anyway).

Who would be at the top of my list? Let’s see…

Johnny 5

Although I enjoyed Short Circuit I still hate Johnny 5. Plus I was tormented at school with that Who’s Johnny song from the soundtrack. How would I kill him? Pee in a bucket and dump it on him causing him to “short circuit” of course. Oh ho, aha ha ha.

Johnny Rotton

The Sex Pistols sucked. Public Image sucked. And if you’re so punk rock as to not attend your Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction then why is one of your solo songs on the title menu of the computer game All Star Baseball 2000 and why are you on British television commercials hawking butter?

How would I kill him? Seeing as he’s also a racist the opening scene from Die Hard 3 does come to mind, but, meh, I don’t really care. How does pushing him under a bus sound? (A double decker bus. Rule Britannia!) He’s so annoying I just want rid of him.

Johnny Walker from Johnny Be Good

Since when is The Geek cool? The Geek can’t be cool. He’s The Geek.

Johnny Be Good came out in 1988 and 2 years later he made another movie where he played a football player/jock, Edward Scissorhands. And who played the outcast in that movie? None other then Mr. Sexy, Johnny Depp.

We’ve come full circle here people.

Oh and how would I kill Johnny Walker? Who am I kidding? I can’t kill the Geek.
Looks like my plan for total Johnny Domination is over. Instead let’s just watch the original 1984 trailer for 16 Candles.

Auuuuutomobile? Ahahahahahahaha.


raymi lauren said...

i am feelin' yer profile picture

Johnny said...


I got a haircut.