Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0044.

So I see that the FDA just unveiled new graphic warning labels for cigarette packs in the USA. We’ve had those in Canada for quite a while now. Let’s have a look at some of the designs the U.S. MAD-ministration of Food and Drugs Men came up with.

She’s blowing smoke right in the baby’s face! Who does that? She’s either incredibly ignorant or knowingly blowing smoke in her child’s face as a form of abuse. That means she’ll probably kill that baby through ignorance, neglect or a plain old shaking long before it dies from second hand smoke. They should slap this picture of the kid’s dad on the other side of the pack.

That raccoon’s got my smoke! Get it back for daddy.

We have a teeth one here too but it only warns about mouth disease.

The US seems to have one uped us with that gross lip sore though. Oh yeah? Well we beat you at hockey.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Now that’s not even a warning. That’s more like good advice. And with his shirt open like that he’s kind of like Superman. Maybe they’re trying to say if you quit smoking you’ll feel invincible like Superman. But he doesn’t really look happy about it, does he? He looks pissed off like he’s going to punch me. He looks more like that mean drunk Superman from Superman 2. I wonder how many shots it takes for Superman to get wasted. I wonder how many smokes he could smoke!

Probably like this many!

This one is pretty effective. Those trach. holes are pretty creepy. And it’s even worse when you see someone smoking out of one. It always reminds me of Juno the social worker from Beetlejuice.

And you know what the worst is? All the public servants in the afterlife in Beetlejuice were suicide victims. So does that mean she slit her own throat?! That’s pretty hardcore. They should put her on the pack with a message that says, All you smokers are committing suicide just like me, only slower. And then you’re going to have to deal with a bunch of no-nothing shitheads everyday in the afterlife equivalent of the passport office.

Or just put picture of Beetlejuice on the pack.

That creepy little fucker would scare anyone away.

I don’t know. That starched white shirt and loosened silk tie are a warning sign also. This man could just as easily be a product of the rat race. All those rare steak power lunches, coffee fueled Johnson report all-nighters and heart rate throttling the CEOs are in town lap dance grinds can take their toll on a man.

See these business guys don’t appear to be smoking AND they work out.

Don’t get me wrong it’s a good warning but maybe they should add something about the counter-productivity of smoking to the package for business men. All that time spent outside smoking when you could be working.

There you go, that’ll do. Just don’t give out butts with that picture on it to guys in prison. Cigarettes in jail are the same as money. (And so are prison guys butts.)

What is that, a cartoon baby? Who cares about a cartoon baby? What, you could blow smoke in a real toddlers face for the first one but for a baby you have to use a cartoon? And it’s not even a good cartoon. What is that thing on its arm, an iPod? You should have at least got a better cartoonist like John Pound. He’s the guy that drew Garbage Pail kids. He could have drawn a baby way grosser than that.

See! SEEEEE!

Ewww gross! Wait, which ones am I supposed to be grossed out by? This reminds me of that great stand up routine Norm McDonald used to do about smoking.



The pair of lungs on the right look camouflaged. Maybe hunters should smoke so if they’re ever attacked by a bear and it rips open their chest, they can still hide.

Roooaaaar wait, wait a minute what? There was a guy here and I was eating his chest and now he’s gone?! There’s just a pile of leaves. A pile of bloody, heaving shaking, screaming leaves. Oh well I’m off to the dump.

I don’t know. It seems like they’re spending an awful lot of money trying to reinforce something that every idiot should know by now. And isn’t smoking on the decline in the west? You can hardly smoke anywhere in North America. I’m pretty sure that’s why sexy Johnny Depp moved to France.

Which is funny because didn’t America invent smoking? Or wasn’t it at least discovered there and then passed on to the Europeans? Oh Magic Internet. I am sending you heap big smoke signals.

Question 44: Is America responsible for smoking?



Hmm, this is an interesting question and one of your least stupid yet. The answer is yes with an underlying no. You see smoking can be traced all the way back to sometime between 5000-3000 BC. Early South American civilizations would burn incense during rituals, a practice that was later adapted for pleasure.

Well that sure stood the test of time.

Although Columbus reported seeing American Indians smoking tobacco in the 1400s and was even given dried leaves as a gift, it was reported that he threw them away and tobacco was not properly introduced to Europe and Asia until the 16th century where it followed common trade routes.

Way to go Columbus. Another reason while you’ll never be as cool as Andrew Dice Clay.

Why don’t you go discover planet Fagatron, Ohhh!

Yes, yes, Johnny. Enough of that buffoon known as the Dice Man. Early American settler John Rolfe was credited as the first person to successfully raise tobacco as a cash crop. This became a boon for early American settlers with much of their harvest being shipped to the old world. But it was Jean Nicot who first introduced it to Europe through France and it is from his name that the word nicotine derives from. So you see although smoking may have originated in the Americas and appears to be first discovered there it was in fact a Frenchman who was to cause it’s spread throughout Europe.

Always blame the French, huh?

Oh well. Thanks for the info. Magic Internet. I think we all had fun today. Oh and Chris, sorry for saying that Andrew Dice Clay is cooler than you. I think you could definitely give him a run for his money now.

Check ya later folks. Don’t smoke em if you got em.

Let's just say that if you ate a Manwich you'd have quite the Manwich eating grin on your face.

Remember a while back I was talking about funerals? Well I’ve been thinking about it again. No, not MY funeral dingi. I’ve been thinking about celebrity funerals. Did you see the footage from Malcolm McLaren’s funeral?




Sure Malcolm McLaren was kind of a dick but he was a punk icon and he went out in style. That got me thinking. I started wondering what other celebrity funerals are going to be like. But the only way to find out would be to travel forward in time somehow. Sounds like a job for my trusty time machine that I’m sure you’ll all recognize from a certain movie, wink, wink.

That’s right. I’ve got the time machine built by H. G. Wells that Jack the Ripper used to travel forward in time to 1979 San Francisco in the movie Time After Time (I got it off Craigslist).



So I’m off to go check out some future celebrity funerals. Smell you later. (Or earlier depending on what I set this thing to). Epileptics, stick your wallets in your mouths ‘cause things might get a little seizurey.

Well I’m back! Man the future sucks. No flying cars yet, the new Rolling Stones album blows and if you think Macaulay Culkin looks weird at age 30

wait until you see him at 60.

Publicity shot from his new future film Funeral Home Alone.

But enough of that weird creep. Let me tell you about some of the celebrity funerals I attended.

Anthony Frank Hawk: May 12th, 1968 - December 4th 2068

Tony Hawk always said that he’d never stop skateboarding and he was right. Tony died after attempting to 50/50 grind Danny Way’s stairlift while Danny was riding up it to use the bathroom.

Future File Photo: Moments before the accident.

The funeral was held in San Diego, California. After a touching eulogy read by Animal Chin

He’s immortal and will never die.

mourners were treated to the spectacle of Tony Hawk’s coffin launched down the giant X-Games ramp where it did a McTwist and an extra 900 before rail-sliding into the crematorium oven.

What an exit!

Donald Stewart Grapes Cherry: February 5th, 1934 – February 4th, 2014

Poor old Grapes died just shy of his 80th birthday. He was on his way to Sochi to commentate on the Canadian Olympic Hockey team for the 2014 Winter Games when he missed a connecting flight from France. Forced with the notion of having to spend an entire day among the French, Don decided to take his own life.

Future File Photo: The last thing Don Cherry saw.

Don Cherry’s funeral was held in his home town of Kingston, Ontario. After an open casket wake featuring Don dressed in a suit made from swatches of all his other hideous suits, the lid was closed on a custom made coffin on skates. A team of white bullterriers representing Don’s beloved dog Blue then pulled the coffin to its final resting place out in Lake Ontario whilst the theme to hockey night in Canada played.

Then they played Chris Sheppard’s Rock’em Sock’em Techno and everyone got drunk on Labatt 50. Smell you later Don.



Nicole Snooki Polizza: November 23rd, 1987 – September 2nd, 2011

Yeah about a year from now Snooki chokes on a… cough, cough… pickle and dies. The funeral was held in the alley behind the MTV studios in New York City. It turns out that she had no family and was an orphan owned by MTV. The other Jersey Shore cast members were supposed to attend her funeral but the guys wanted to go creeping at some shitty night club and the girls didn’t want to get left out so they went too. So as it turns out I was the only one at her funeral. The priest looked at me and I kind of shrugged and then he nodded his head and Carson Daley (he’s the MTV janitor now) stuffed her into one of those little white kitchen garbage bags and threw her in the dumpster at which point a disheveled looking Downtown Julie Brown popped her head up out of the dumpster and shrieked, Meat’s back on the menu tonight!

Future File Photo: The Circle of Life.

Yeah I just kind of threw that one in to cleanse the pallet.

Terry Gene Hulk Hogan, Hulkster, Hulkamaniac Bollea: August 11, 1953 – April 3rd, 2015

The world lost the Hulkster after he ironically strangled himself with his own 24 inch pythons while trying to rip a particularly beefy Haines Beefy Tee off his back before bed.

The funeral was attended by the Hogan family, including his estranged wife who is now dating the three year old playmate of Brooke Hogan’s illegitimate child.

Many of the former Super Stars of Wrestling were in attendance as well as a large portion of America’s mentally challenged. Pallbearers included Rowdy Roddy Piper, Brutis the Barber Beefcake, Ricky the Dragon Steamboat, the surviving Bushwhacker twin and of course Paul Bearer.

Macho Man Randy Savage

Who now looks like Macho Man Randy Santa.

uttered some unintelligible nonsense by way of a eulogy



and then suplexed the Hulkster’s star-spangled coffin into an open grave. Earth was then thrown over the coffin and the Earthquake splash-packed it down.



That’s all the celebrity funerals I attended. All that time traveling made me hungry and a can of Manwich pate is next to impossible to get in the future after the horrifying discoveries of October 12th.



If only they knew. Shudder.

Feels like an Arbys night.

Last year a place called O.Noir  opened in Toronto. It’s a restaurant where you choose your meal before hand and then eat in complete darkness and all the wait staff that serve you are blind. It’s supposed to heighten your other senses so you enjoy the food more and let you experience what it’s like to be blind. Kind of like the opposite of Hooters (unenjoyable food + ogling = Hooters).

(She could be serving you and you’d never know)

I haven’t been to O.Noir yet but I kind of want to go. I like the idea of themed restaurants. They’re dinner and a show. They’re like Chuck E. Cheese for grown ups.



In Japan there’s a restaurant called Nyotaimori (which means female body presentation). Usually this refers to that thing where you eat sushi of a naked lady.

(I wonder if you can get a cheaper one where you eat shrimps off a midget?)

This is the Japanease equivalent of Filmore’s 10 ounce steak and a face dance special.

But at Nyotaimori they actually make you a fake dead body to eat.

Apparently the skin is dough and inside is edible organs and red stuff. I bet there’s chocolate mousse in the butt.

Speaking of butt mousse, you can actually get it at the Taiwanese restaurant Modern Toilet.

It’s a toilet themed restaurant where you sit on toilets.

You also eat out of toilets and drink out of urinals.

It’s disgusting.

I’ve eaten at a toilet themed restaurant right here in Toronto. The Popeyes Chicken on Yonge St.

In New York they have a restaurant called Ninja. It’s decorated like 15th century Japan and your food is made and served to you by Ninjas.



How much do you tip a Ninja? If it’s too little he may feel dishonored and kill himself. I’d go with 20%.

(This guy works the fryer)

Maybe I should open up a themed restaurant. I’ve got some good ideas.

Sheepypalooza’s

This would be a restaurant where you dine with sheep dogs. Lots of sheep dogs. Like 50 or so. I get to eat with my sheep dog Mutton everyday and it’s lots of fun. Imagine sitting down to a fine meal while being surrounded by sheep dogs. It would be like eating in a Dulux commercial.



Maybe I could train them to bring you your food or your check or something. But probably not.

White Trashiteria

This would be my white trash themed restaurant. All the waiters would be in wife beaters or shirtless and they’d sit in chairs drinking, smoking and watching TV. As the customer you’d have to scream and yell at them to come take your order. (My take on the rude French waiter.)

(the Matradee)

Here’s an example of a Prixe Fixie meal at the White Trashiteria

Starter
(Tuh shut you up till mom gets home from her job goin door to door sellin Bump-Its.)

Your choice of:

Triscuits with mustard on them

or

1 uncooked hot dog, cut up with ketchup.

Main Course

Your choice of:

Kraft dinner served in the pot it was cooked in. (Please respect our menu and do not ask for ketchup.)

or

The Bacon Bit Buddy. (Imitation bacon bits, ketchup and butter between 2 Wonder bread slices. Microwaved until hot.)

Dessert

Your choice of

1 single serving rice pudding can. (Our waiters remove the pudding can lid at your table to insure freshness.)

or

The invisible McDonald’s Sundae (After much begging from you one of our waiters will agree to go out and get you a McDonald’s Sundae only to return hours or days later looking disheveled and without the Sundae ).

The interior decor would be akin to several trailers pushed together. Once a night the toilets overflow and the trailers are jacked up to keep the erupting toilet water from ruinin the shag allowing diners the entertaining sensation of eating on a slant.



Hoarders

This would be a chain of family fun themed restaurants based on the hit show Hoarders.



Each restaurant would be located in the house of an actual hoarder.

Mom and dad can relax in the dinning room.

While the kids explore and find treasures like:

Misplaced loaded firearms.

Desiccated deceased pets.

Jars of your hoarder hosts own body fluids.

Hoarders has a fully stalked kitchen.

Just be sure to eat up quick as the resident hoarder will be screaming and crying and trying to stop you as they have an emotional attachment to the food your eating do to some tragic past event in their life.

(Check please!)

Oh and don’t forget to pick up something from the gift shop.

So what do you think? Am I the next big restaurant mogul or what?



P.S. This is post number 69... lunch time!