I've got it all figured out.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Keep That Thing In Your Pants, Please.

Men’s wallets are disgusting. There’s nothing worse then seeing some schlubby guy yank a giant, gross, old wallet out of a pair of ill fitting Dockers and thumb through it right in front of you. They always have a billion receipts in there and little to-no-money. Sometimes there’s duct tape or a rubber band around it. The leather is all smooth and shiny from years of rubbing up against their ass. Eww, that leather. Made supple from friction and retransferred ass-heat. Often even the pocket they keep it in is repulsive. It hugs the wallet and if its denim then it gets those white wear lines around the edges, letting you know he’s been wearing the same jeans with the same wallet in the back pocket for like a decade.

When he pulls the wallet out the back pocket doesn’t even deflate. It keeps the shape of the wallet like some sort of dirty ghost. You’d be hard pushed to notice though because your eyes are on that big disgusting wallet coming at you. A big fat hamburger made by the devil himself. Canadian Tire money spilling out like lettuce, the frayed folded bulk of a half dozen printed Google maps making up the meat, their edges browned from soaking up months of fart gas.


I just want to whack it out of his hand with a stick, spray it with WD-40 and put a match to it. I bet it would scream and curl up like those Face Huggers in Aliens.


I kind of have a problem with guys’ old wallets.

P.S. One time when I was little my friend Spencer’s Grandfather took us to the zoo. We were in a petting zoo feeding goats these pellets out of ice cream cones. Spencer’s Granddad bent over to pet a goat and another goat came up behind him, took his wallet out of his back pocket and ate it! It was the funniest thing ever, watching that old man chase around that goat while it chewed up his wallet. That still makes me laugh when I think about it.

I wonder what the goat’s poop looked like after that?

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