Now I’m not against exercise. I love walking my dog and riding my bike and even hitting the weights can be fun sometimes.
But seriously guys. You really think this looks good?
I don’t think there are many women out there thinking Mmm, I wish my guy’s thighs looked like the back of the Elephant man’s head. And you don’t want to meet the women who do.
Did I leave the faucet running and forget to take the garbage out? Oh hey Snooki!
And having big muscles isn’t going to help you out in the long run. Let my man Carl break it down for you.
But there’s no point in trying to stop you. Guys that are into being muscly are REALLY into being muscly. Take Musclemag for example.
Can you believe that this exists and that it’s not a joke? Grown men have actually picked up that magazine, read the headline Grow your guns and said, Yes, this is for me. They also seem to enjoy pictures of guys making faces like this.
See:
Seeee:
Can you imagine being the photographer for this?
Alaine Begre: Ah oui, bon smile at the back, veeeery sexy. Now you in the front, make a face like you have diarrhea in reverse.
Try Staring at that picture for 30 seconds without laughing. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
But forget the magazines. They also have online forums. Yes, message boards where all the profile pictures are bathroom mirror self shots. I think they serve the dual purpose of letting other members on the forum know how ripped they are and making sure that members are actually ripped and not some pencil neck who is just faking being ripped so they can be a forum member. And who wouldn’t want to be a member? When you’re done blasting whatever muscle group you’ve chosen to blast today you can sit back, cool down and tell a bunch of other meat heads about it. Or you can get a consoling I feel for you Brah after confessing your tragic tale of having to piss and shit with a boner during your first date with an asian girl.
But best of all are the body building competitions. Anyone can grow muscles and flex them while silently screaming but it takes a true artist to take it to the next level.
A striking representation of mankind’s struggle with the ever expanding presence of technology in the modern world. (Or he just really likes Terminator 3.)
How they haven’t turned this into TLC show or at least a bad action movie I just don’t know. I’d like to choreograph one of these flex offs. I have a great idea for it too. I’d have to train my muscly guy to flex all of his muscles independently and at different times. Kind of like how a drummer can keep different independent rhythms with both hands and feet. Can you imagine how freaky that would look? I’d send him out in a Speedo to the tune of Popcorn.
I wonder how the father felt when he heard the news. Proud? Confused? I’m going to go with the later on this one seeing as the baby was immediately rushed to Tianjin Children’s Hospital to have his extra member removed. They should put it in a jar and label it Pete Best.
Ba-dum-dum. Ting!
Thanks Pete, you’re a sport. Apparently this extra wiener thing, although rare, does happen from time to time. There’s even a name for it: Fetus in fetu. Sounds like the name of a death metal album.
Hey, it is!
Oh and the love of God, don’t Google Image search it. Speaking of God, what was he thinking putting a wiener back there? What good is that? At least put it in front where he can keep an eye on it and not have to wear custom made Fruit of the Looms that look like a harness. Yea it’s probably for the best that they had it removed. Apparently the surgeons took 3 hours to take it off. 3 hours?! It doesn’t look like much to me. You’d think they could just freeze it and knock the thing off with a ball peen hammer. At least he’ll have a cool scar to impress all the ladies with. Still, I wonder what the future would bring if he had kept it? If he was born 100 years ago he’d have a promising carrier in the freak show circuit.
Step right up ladies and gentleman and bear witness to the human wonder that is the man with two members. He doesn’t know wither he is coming or going. Sometimes it’s both! Good sirs prepare to marvel with a mix of fear and jealousy. Good ladies, please insure that your fainting cushions are thoroughly fluffed. Only 5 cents. Only 5 cents. 5 will get you 2. Just half a nickel per pickle…
Meh, he’s not so great. I could have 4 wangs under all this for all you know.
But even though some may want to pursue a carrier exploiting their physical appearance freak shows are considered cruel and have no place in modern society.
Unless they involve little people on TLC.
I guess there’s always pornography. Anything goes in that industry. But I don’t even want to think about how that would work and who would want to see that.
We would.
Oh god, no!
Maybe he could star in a feature length Hollywood Blockbuster. Kind of a Tarzan meets Jaws meets the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Here’s a brief plot summary.
Boy is born with wiener on back
Mean parents don’t want him and throw him into the sea
Sharks come but instead of eating him they treat him as one of their own and raise him
Boy grows into teenager and swims to Fort Lauderdale for spring break
Gratuitous shots of bikini girls partying on the beach
Shots of boner breaking the surface of the water and going back and forth to some of that duh dum music
Teenage girl/toddler/dog gets attacked in the water
Everyone says it must be a shark but gnarled old shark hunting guys says something like No shark did this. These bites are human.
No one believes him
Gratuitous shots of bikini girls partying on the beach
More shots of the boner in the water but this time it’s just some teenage guys playing a joke with a dildo (this adds extra suspense)
One of them gets eaten
Surgeon on a deep sea fishing vacation tells everyone that he thinks it’s a rare case of fetus-in-fetu-raised-by-sharks syndrome and that all the added testosterone from the extra wang has turned the shark boy into a man eater
Some stuff happens
Some jokes involving phrases like hump back and back stroke are tossed around
Surgeon and old gnarled shark hunter guy team up to hunt down the shark boy and remove his extra wang
Old gnarled shark hunter guy gets eaten
Surgeon manages to remove the extra wiener (I don’t know how, in a diving suit while he’s sleeping or something)
Shark boy returns to normal and is brought onto the boat and covered with a blanket
Surgeon tosses the extra wiener over board
Under water shot of the wiener swimming away on its own (sequel)
Roll credits (my name in big letters as director)
What do you think? I think I’ve got the makings of a spine tingling thriller.
Ba-dum-dum. Ting!
Thanks again Pete.
Well, I’m about all out of crazy for today. If anyone needs me I’ll be in the tub.
There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you all. Something very disturbing. A few months ago I found out that someone had been taking shits in my building!
That’ll get you a husband.
And I’m not talking about shits in the toilets of my building. Of course people take shits there. (Except maybe some of the old people. Some of them look and act like they haven’t taken a shit in months.)
3 months 4 days on the left. 8 and 12 on the right.
No I’m talking about some filthy animal defecating in the garbage room and the hallways. (Of the 21st and 22nd floors to be precise.) I did not bear witness to the offensive leavings first hand and for this I am truly thankful. I don’t know if any of you have come across human shit outside of its natural environment.
New pet turd natural habitat aquarium! Self cleaning!
Living in a buzzing metropolis as I do does have its downsides and let me tell you, it is not a pretty sight. It looks all black and sloppy and disgusting and there’s usually some sort of wiping implement next to it. Allow me to demonstrate. If you’re eating chocolate pudding or a hearty beef stew, take a bite….
Now!
See, it’s disgusting. I pick up my dog’s shit everyday no problem but coming within 10 feet of something like that up there leaves a lasting psychological scar. Who would subject people to that? My original plan was to bring together some of the world’s greatest sleuths to help me identify this butt muck bandit.
The inclusion of toilet paper tells us 2 things. That the shitting was premeditated and that the shitter was left handed.
Err, umm, just one more question Mr. Peterson. Did you have corn for dinner last night?
But it turns out that all of my super sleuths aren’t really sleuths at all. They’re just actors that solve mysteries on TV. And on top of that, most of them are dead. All is not lost though. I’ve read my fare share of Ian Rankin novels and I’ve watched my fare share of First 48 episodes. Detective Johnny Creepshow Shit Investigator will take the case.
Someone get me my mirror shades and my Who tape.
Let’s start by taking a better look at the crime scene. My building is not one of these building where human defecation in common areas is to be expected. I do not live in one of those buildings like in Coming to America.
I’d also like to add that my building has good working plumbing and that each separate dwelling contains (I hope) a toilet. Now if the shitting only took place on one floor and was only confined to the relative privacy of the garbage room we could entertain the theory that the shitter was in a desperate situation and unable to gain access to a toilet. (Lost his keys, first date with a hot girl, roommate masturbating in their shared bathroom etc…). But no, the shitting took place on multiple floors and in the hallway. What does this tell us? It tells us that our suspect is clearly deranged and that the shit is not only a manifestation of the suspect’s mental instability but that it is also a message to others around him. If the shitting was purely a symptom of one’s decent into madness then we would expect it to continue but it seems to have stopped. If we can figure out who these analy authored messages are for. Then we will be one step closer to unmasking our shiter.
Possible message recipients:
Building Management
An obvious choice. Every tenant at one time or another has a complaint about their building landlord/management. But to go the extreme of shitting in your own building? It doesn’t seem right. Besides, the management office is in the other building right across the parking lot. Why not shit there? Or you could even mail it to them like in Pink Flamingos.
The Cleaning Staff.
Another viable target as they will be the ones that have to clean it up. Perfect revenge for one who has been slighted by them. But who would take offence to the cleaning staff? They’re all very nice and they do a good job. That only leaves one other recipient
Neighboring Tenants.
They are the most likely targets. People often become disgruntled by their neighbors. And as the feuding goes on, things can escalate and get a bit of hand.
Based on all the information available and the lack of further evidence (thankfully) I have narrowed my investigation down to three suspects. They are as follows.
Suspect 1: The lady that lives above me.
I’ve only met her a couple of times but I’m pretty sure this is her.
One time she came down and knocked on my door and told me to leave her stuff alone or she would call the cops on me. It turns out she’s crazy and knocked on all the doors around her because she thought her neighbors were stealing her stuff. Actually she’s probably not responsible for shitting in the hall but I’m going to say she is because I don’t like her and it’s my investigation. (Innocent people get convicted of things they didn’t do all the time.)
Suspect 2: That weird blonde kid.
He’s like this but uglier.
There used to be a bunch of kids that would run around the halls of my building leaving candy wrappers and bits of food on the floor. Mostly they were just kids being kids but the blonde on was creepy. I a have yet to establish a motive for him but he was once witnessed out back peeing on a mop and chasing the other kids with it. He is now a teenager and it’s not hard to envision him escalating from mop peeing to hallway shitting. Also his mom comes out onto their balcony in her underwear all the time. That’s got to mess him up.
Suspect 3: The bum that used to sleep out back.
My main suspect. We had a homeless, druggy guy that used to sleep on a ledge behind our building. He was really annoying because he would leave his old socks and all his weird junky shit back there and sometimes if I was out back in the park with the dog and she barked he would yell at her to shut up. Nobody liked him and various methods were employed to try and get him to leave including threats, police and throwing cold water on him/his stuff. Eventually they put up fencing so he could no longer get at his ledge. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he held a grudge against the tenants of my building. Maybe while he was laying back there pretending to sleep he was secretly listening to the conversations of the people in the dog park and gaining information as to which floors the people he disliked most lived on. Bums are no strangers to public defecation. He may have slipped in behind someone coming in through the front doors and headed upstairs to exact his smelly revenge. Perhaps after his last dump he was spotted in the lobby and deemed it too risky to attempt further shits. Or perhaps he’s biding his time. Knowing that revenge is a dump best served cold and he will strike again when we lease expect it. I never got a decent look at him, so I best keep my eye out for any down and out in my neighborhood with a shifty look in his eye.
I googled the word shifty and all I got was this washed up mess from Crazytown. He is now a suspect too.
Sadly this is a case that has also grown cold and I am left with the sickening thought shared by many a detective on the hunt of a serial killer. I have no chance of catching my man (you know it’s a man) unless he strikes again. And with that being said, let’s hope this forever remains an unsolved mystery.
They say that his death was due to significant changes in his brain. Some said he was schizophrenic and that he craved all the fame and attention that he received earlier in life.
He was on the cover of German Vanity Fair after all.
But I don’t think that’s what killed him. Lack of fame and attention isn’t fatal. This picture is proof of that.
But it’s scary to think that bears can be schizophrenic. Schizo people are scary enough but bears?! Thinking about that makes me want to brush up on my bear attack survival skills.
One survival tip not mentioned in that helpful and informative video is if you’re being chased by a bear, try to run down hill. Bears back legs are shorter than their front legs so they can’t run as fast down hills. But the bear will still probably catch you. Most bears can run about 60 kilometers an hour and a schizo bear has the added power of being mental.
File Photo: Schitzo bear washing you down with Pepsi.
I wonder how fast bigfoots can run? I bet they’re pretty fast. I’m going to find out.
Question 31:How fast can bigfoots run?
Magic Internet Answer:The simple answer to this highly stupid question is that bigfoots cannot run at all as they do not exist. There is no credible documented evidence that states otherwise. But for the sake of your pitiful blog I will give you an answer based on the questionable evidence that some claim is real. The most common and well documented bigfoot evidence is photographs and castings of their footprints.
If these are to be believed we can estimate the average size of a bigfoot as being 8 feet tall and that they possess a measured stride of 3 to 4 feet. There is also possible evidence of a mid-tarsal break. This coupled with the strength of the animal would suggest that a bigfoot could run at a speed of 55 to 65 kilometers an hour. Which is about the same average speed as a bear.
They also both like fish!
Cool Magic Internet but there’s one theory you didn’t review when you came up with your answer. The theory that bigfoots are alien built robots like the one the Six Million Dollar Man faught.
Someone near and dear to be sent me this link for a celebrity impersonators website called Lookalike. She wanted me to see how funny and shitty some of the impersonators are.
One’s like:
Simon Cowell as a vampire in Dusk Til Dawn
Looks like shit Michael Douglas.
Penis touching Kid Rock with hypnotizing pink nips.
Looks like shit/looks like he’s taking a shit George Burns.
Guess. Come on, just try to guess. Give up? It’s David Lee Roth. Seriously! Ah ha ha ha ha!
One of the things I like about the website is that they seem to have different tiers of impersonators for the same celebrity. Let me show you.
You can get tier 1 Jennifer Aniston.
Or you can get tier 4 Jennifer Garbage Can.
You can get tier 1 Gath Brookes.
Or you can get tier 4 assistant manager at Canadian Tire with a cowboy hat and a guitar Brookes.
Or how how about tier 1 Donald Trump?
Versus tier 2 Donald’s corpse found in a trunk.
There are so many Michael Jackson’s that I don’t even want to look. Tier 8 MJ is probably so bad that he's just the real Fred Durst wearing the Jacket and Glove.
Shamon for the nookie!
Who hires these celebrity impersonators? Does anyone really think that having some assclown that barley looks like someone famous is going to liven up their party?
Ok, maybe having the the 3 for 1 Caddyshack guys might.
But you know what? Maybe you could have some fun hiring celebrity impersonators. For instance you could hire a Tom Cruise lookalike and then take him to Remingtons.
Or better yet, use him to try and get into the Scientology building and find out what’s really going on in there.
I knew it!
Or throw a party and tell everyone that some celebrity is a close personal friend of yours and they’re going to be dropping by. You can even hire fake paparazzi to help sell it to your guests. It might be a good idea to hire two of the same impersonator and keep one hidden. That way if one of your guests smells a rat you can bring out the other one to call the first one a phony and then have them fight. Or fuck it, have them fight any way. Remember when Van Damme fought Van Damme in Double Impact. That was awesome!
This part was awesome too.
Or tell the impersonator beforehand that you want them to come as one of their characters. Then tell your guests you saw your celebrity friend Tom Hanks taking a bunch of pills earlier and now he won’t stop being Forest Gump.
Don’t forget to slip away before the cops and ambulance arrive.
You could try hiring the younger version of a celebrity and still swear they’re the real thing.
What do you mean that can’t be Harrison Ford? Hey Harrison! Show this chowder head the scar on your chin.
Or better yet, try to pass off a dead celebrity.
Well if Janis Joplin is dead then who did you just see walking away with 8 inches of party sub, huh asshole?
Or for the ultimate celebrity impersonator party experience, call up the agency about 2 months in advance and tell them to have one of their Elvis impersonators grow a beard. Then tell all your guests that Elvis is still alive and that he’s hiding out in your basement. Then make a big announcement. Something like:
Everyone thought the king died back in 1977. But as I’ve made privy to a few of you here tonight, I beg to differ. Elvis Priestly is alive and well and has been right here under our noses for the past 34 years, living in my basement. And now, just because it’s Jimmy’s bachelor party, the king, the one and only Elvis Priestly is going to come upstairs and perform for you just one last time!
Then have the impersonator come up stairs and sing Heartbreak Hotel while shaving off his beard with an electric razor. When they see that it really looks like him underneath. It will blow their fucking minds.
This is not a dream people Open your eeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeesssssss!!!!!!
Ladies and gentlemen. Johnny has left the building.
