I've got it all figured out.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Coors Light Mansion Is Full of Hookers!

What is the deal with the Coors Light Mystery Mansion?

Apparently if you drink enough of Coors mildly beer flavored bladder irritant you could win a trip to this awesome secret mansion up in the mountains where you can party all night with other Coors Light drinkers and there will be lots of hot fun girls there that are going to want to have sex with you. Am I the only one that sees something wrong with this picture?

First of all let’s take a look at some of your average Coors Light beer drinkers. There are only 5 reasons why any man would drink Coors Light. (This beer is disgusting. The only good thing they can say about it in the commercials is that it’s cold. That’s something that YOU do to it not them. “Good As Cold Ever Tasted”, that was one of their slogans. What the fuck does that mean??!!) They are as follows.

1) It was free. (Free beer is free beer.)

2) It was the only thing available. (Any port in a storm.)

3) You’re one of those metro-sexual men who’s afraid of getting a gut or you’re already getting a gut and your wife is forcing you to drink light beer. (Enjoy your hyphenated last name you wendy.)

4) You have no taste buds. (In that case why not just drink tonic water or Busch Light?)

5) You’re an idiot.

Now given that this ad campaign is directed at people that already buy Coors Light and enticing them to buy more we can rule out numbers one and two as Coors Light drinkers that will be at the Mansion. Number three’s metro-sexuals are trying to cut down on their beer intake so chances are they’re not going to find an invite and the Pussy-whipped gut guys’ wives would never let them go. Ageusia is pretty rare so that rules out number four. So that only leaves the idiots.

I’m talking about this guy:

And this guy:

And these Guys:

Oh and don’t forget this guy:

Given that we now have a pretty clear picture of what the average Coors Light Secret Mansion goer looks like, what are the odds that any hot women are going to want to have sex with them? Answer: zero. That’s why they must hire prostitutes.
I know what you’re thinking. They probably just fill the mansion with those promo girls you see at sporting events and expos. Girls like this:

Maybe but what girl in her right mind would want to spend a weekend naked and painted up like a Coors Light can, being propositioned and pawed at by 200 drunk, horny losers while you force Coors Light down their throats for $20 an hour? I think Coors Light hire prostitutes. They could hardly cheapen the occasion anymore then it is and it means they don’t have to worry about subduing all the bonered-up,brawling inebriated contest winners with chicken wings at 2 am when the promo girls clock out and leave.

The secret to the Coors Light Secret Mansion? It’s Prostitutes. Filthy, dirty prostitutes.

P.S. Here’s what I Imagine the Woody's Coolers Secret Mansion is like.

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