I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I'm Loving ....It!

You know what I miss? The ….It Store.

The ….It Store was exclusive to Canada and claimed to be a novelty shop but it was so much more. ….It was more of a weird mix of novelties, weird gadgets, latest fads, bad t-shirts and sex shop. They also had great stuff at Halloween. Most of the major malls around here seemed to have a ….It Store at one time or another.

Here’s a brief list of the kinds of things you could find at any ….It Store:

The Pet Rock (later to be replaced by the Pet Turd).

Over The Hill Products. My favorite was the Over the Hill Cane.

The ….It Store version was even better because it had an “up-skirt” mirror instead of the rearview version seen above.

Black Bart Shirts.

They’re actually still making these and they’re weirder then ever.

Fundies .

These fascinated me as a child.

They also had Birthday cards with fat women in lingerie on them, joke books, shot glasses, hats with stupid sayings on them… you get the idea. ….It was kind of like The Den For Men but not as classy.

The last standing ….It Store I remember seeing was on Danforth Ave. about 7 years ago. I tried to have a look online to see if they still existed somewhere and I came across this press release from 1994 by The James Gang Advertising Inc. It foretells of an amazing new website being launched soon for the ….It Store.


They even provide samples of what “using the latest art and technology” in a website might look like.


The real gem here though is the example of what they call “The Lovers Page”


I can’t wait to go out and get that card with the big black man with scratch away boxer shorts. It’s a hot card Yeow! Make sure you scroll across as they suggest and click the link to the second Lovers Page where you’ll be treated to an indecipherable picture of a box of “Edible Undies” and a description of the contents of “The Adult Play Pail”

I’m starting to understand now why the ….It Store went under. At least these web pages are here, like the crude scratchings left by cave men, to remind us of what once was.

P.S. After seeing Ghost Busters I decided to start my own business called Fart Busters. The basic idea was that people would hire me to capture farts and put them into a containment unit. I wore an old pair of Dickies cover-alls, a gas mask and carried around my dad’s lawn sprayer on my back. I set up an office in my room with a big sign like this on the door.

I also carried around a laminated “License to Fart” card. Where did I get that sign and those credentials you might ask?

The ….It Store baby! The ….It Store.

I was only 8 and they wouldn’t sell it to me without an adult present so I brought in my dad. I remember him looking at the cashier and just shaking his head with embarrassment.

RIP ….It Store.


michael said...

couple of points:
1. i find it amusing that you included the "..." everytime you mentioned the ...it store as opposed to just calling it the 'it store'.

2. I had a black bart shirt. I got it when i was like 12 on a family trip to New York city in battery park by the ferries. it was a basketball ball black bart shirt. thanks for rehashing that memory... you're awesome.

Johnny said...

That's what it's called, the ....It Store. The punctuation is key.