I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Boldly Going Nowhere.

I don’t like space. There’s nothing up there. I don’t know why NASA keeps wasting all this money to send people up there. In all these years of mission after mission all they’ve found is nothing, nothing and more nothing. I think NASA blows up a shuttle now and then just to keep people interested.

That being said Richard Branson is going ahead with his plan for the Virgin Galactic Spaceliner for Tourists.


Yes, Richard Branson. The guy who constantly tried to balloon around the world and ended up like this:

Now wants to take you into space in this:

Look familiar? I thought so too.

Even the plot is the same.

“A faulty computer causes a passenger space shuttle to head straight for the Sun.”

You just know it’s going to blow up.

On the bright side though it’s hardly a Spaceliner as Branson suggests (I don’t think spaceliner is even a word). It only holds 6 people. I expected it to be like one of those cruise ships where fat Middle-Americans can ride around in a floating mall for weeks, going to TGIFriday’s every night for buffet and being mildly inconvenienced every few days by having to disembark onto some third world island (or in this case the moon) to purchase monkeys made out of coconuts and look at a waterfall.

So, six people are going to be flown into the sun in 18 months. Who will they be? Let’s see…

1) Richard Branson (We’ll spare his family. Don’t get me wrong, it will probably be them too but I want to free up the other 5 seats.)

2) William Shatner (They’re christening this thing the Virgin Spaceship Enterprise and this is just the kind of dumb celebrity guest they'd pick to be on it. Plus he also played Buck Merdock in Airplane II so it only seems fitting).

3) P. Diddy (This has his brand of exploitation of wealth written all over it. Plus I can only imagine how being in space will enhance what he refers to as “the sexy”.)

4) Some Skank that P. Diddy is trying to impress with a trip into space.

5) A former astronaut to give the whole thing a little legitimacy (I hope it’s that crazy one that wore a diaper while she drove across America to kill her lover’s other woman).

So there you have it. My picks for who will soon be flying into the sun or crash-landing on the planet of the apes (Apes upon seeing Brandson: “Who’s the new guy?”).

I also like the part in the article where Branson says, “They can float around and become astronauts”. How do you like that NASA? All it takes to become an astronaut is to float around in space for a bit. You don’t need any of those years of training or to be in peak physical and mental condition (crazy diaper lady kind of proved that point too). You suck NASA!

Well I say good luck to you Richard Brandson. Your mission to exploit the only two worthwhile things space has to offer (the view and floating around) is doomed. Your only chance is if crazy diaper lady pulls a Ted Striker and somehow manages to pilot you away from the sun at the last minute like in Airplane II. Then maybe we’ll get to hear from the Jive talking guy again at the trial where everyone sues you.


Scotch and Salad said...

we can shove andy dick in the luggage compartment.

Johnny said...

Or the roof rack.