I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Not a Nice Place to Visit & I Wouldn't Want to Live There.

So I got the movie The Hangover on DVD for Christmas. It’s a funny movie. I like Zach Galifianakis. He’s funny. I like Ed Helms. He’s funny too. The movie reminded me of something though. How much Las Vegas sucks and how horrible it must be to live there. Giving someone a ticket to Las Vegas is basically like handing them a license to be a complete and utter douche bag.

You know what it’s like to live a typical day. You get up. Have breakfast. Hit the pavement. Maybe you drive to work, maybe you take public transit. You work your day (screw you artist types reading this that spend all day at home doing practically nothing and then complain that you have no money). On the way home maybe you need to stop at the grocery store or do some shopping. I’m talking about one of those days that isn’t your worst day but it’s far from your best and when you get home you’re glad it’s over. Got a good picture of it in your head? Well if you lived in Las Vegas you’d have to live those days, all of them, dealing with this:

All over Las Vegas there are these roving bands of pumped up shit heads all dressed up in various outfits they believe to be “money”. They’ve been watching Casino, Swingers, Fear & Loathing, Scarface and yes now The Hangover all week in preparation for their trip. If you live in Las Vegas there’s no escaping them. Although they might only be in town for a few days StretchUVs are trooping in hundreds more to take their place.

The worst part is that not only does the city condone them, the city encourages them. They’re always advertising Vegas as “Sin City” and throwing that tired old phrase around “What happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas”. (God, it physically hurt me to type that. It’s like the literary equivalent of leather pants, worse then the line from Fight Club even.) If you live in Vegas not only do you probably get to hear that every day but if you go out you get to hear it being spoken dead serious by some alpha chimp to his horny loser friends before they all cheers and make a bro-pact. (If you’re a half-way decent looking girl living in Las Vegas it's probably best that you just don’t leave your house). Hell, never mind hearing that stupid phrase. If you physically stay in Vegas you get to witness first hand all the gross bullshit that stays in Vegas.

Then there are all the Douche Bag celebrities that live there.

Chris Angel

If I ran into this guy even once at the corner store I’d have to move. Knowing that his greasy stripper fingers may have touched something I might eat would be too much for me.

Carrot Top

Knowing that he’s even on the same planet as me already gives me screaming night terrors.

Siegfried & Roy

I don’t want to be out walking my dog one night, happen to glance up at their bedroom window and find out the real reason that tiger went nuts.

My heart goes out to you citizens of Las Vegas. You have it even worse then New Yorkers. At least they can revel in the knowledge that they’re expected to be an asshole to anyone that visits their city.

The only Vegas Vacation I’ll be taking is with Cousin Eddie.

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