R.I.P. Cory “Flattus Maximus” Smoot 1977 – 2011

I heard over the weekend that Cory Smoot, aka Flattus Maximus the guitarist for GWAR died.

I first saw GWAR when I was 13 years old. It was the first real concert I attended. (Not counting the time my mother took me to see Gowan and Zappa Costa). I first saw the band in a spread in Thrasher magazine and I remember buying their Scum Dogs of the Universe tape at Cheapies in Hamilton.

To a suburban punk kid with a vulgar sense of humor this was the equivalent of the White Album.

But even the audio majesty of double sided cassette couldn’t compare to seeing them live. I remember buying a cheap white shirt from Bi-way in the hopes it would get soaked in blood. I remember being worried about all the second hand pot smoke I might inhale and wondering if it would cause me to lose my mind

Yes I know today’s 13 year olds smoke 6 paper joints for breakfast but this was a different time.

But most of all I remember this:

Check the fat skin head owning the dance floor 57 seconds in. I love that guy.

I came out of that show with a sweaty pink t-shirt, an over-priced hat and a blood lust for all things GWAR. A week or so later I took the bus downtown to Loony Tunes records and bought Live From Antarctica on VHS.

(I still have it.)

I remember thinking I had something truly shocking and perverse. Although if the footage up there is anything to go by (and it is) maybe not so much. But still I kept it hidden from my parents and would only watch it when they weren’t around.

Approves.

I did take it to school one day and when the teacher left the room I treated the class to a surprise discreet screening on the art room’s media centre.

The horror…

The teacher came back into the room just as Oderus Urungus was unleashing his copious load all over the crowd.

I could’t have timed it better myself.

I think the only reason she gave me the tape back was because she didn’t want to have to go through the discomfort of having to show it to the principal.

Principal: Who is the deformed man masturbating again?
Art Teacher: Oderus Urungus.
Principal: I see. And who is the blood covered woman in the metal bra and hairy hot pants?
Art Teacher: ...sigh. Slymenstra Hymen.

I’ll admit that Flattus wasn’t my favorite.

I was more of a Balsac guy.

But he was still a great part of GWAR and GWAR will always be a great part of my youth. I’ve seen them numerous times over the years and they’re still one of the best live shows around. I’m glad they’ve decided to keep touring. I may have to go out and purchase a new white Hanes Beefy Tee and a ticket next time they roll into Toronto to pay my respects. And I’d like think that Flattus Maximus is up there in rock & roll heaven telling the Big Bopper how he smoked his entire home planet because it was made out of weed and then cutting one right in Jimmy Hendricks’s face.

So long old friend.

P.S. No Canadian GWAR tribute could be complete without Nardwar.



Smell you later human filth.

Macho Man Randy Savage November 15, 1952 – May 20, 2011 R.I.P.

Ooooooh Yeeeeeeah! Ooooooh Nooooooo!

Randal Mario Poffo better known as Macho Man Randy Savage died this morning after suffering a heart attack while driving that caused him to veer off the road into a tree. This was confirmed by his brother Lanny Poffo.

Better known as the The Genius.

As I’ve said before I was never a huge wrestling fan, more of a casual admirer. All major WWF matches and Slams were big topics of discussion in the school yard so I had to at least keep up with current events. I don’t recall how I felt about Macho Man in his hay day. I assume I disliked him as he was often portrayed as the villain. But 25 years later I just can’t get enough of him. Those Slim Jim commercials:

You know kids, it’s just a school play. You don’t have to be in it. And who knew biting into a Slim Jim makes things explode?

Except maybe your heart!

Ouch, too soon Gilbert. His talk show interviews:



And best of all, his pre-match interviews:

I am in love with this clip and I will never get tired of it.

Look Randy. I don’t know if you were crazy, or on drugs or just an amazing actor but one thing you will always be is damn entertaining. You’ll be missed and never forgotten. Ooooooooh Yeeeeeeeah!!!



Roberto "Bobby" Alfonso Farrell, October 6th, 1949 - December 30th, 2010. R.I.P.

Bobby Farrell the front man for Boney M died early this morning in a hotel in St. Petersburgh, Russia.

I think Boney M's Night Flight to Venus was the first record I ever listened to.

My parents had it and I used to put it on their big turntable and run around and around the dinning table in time to the title track. Here it is:

That's Bobby roboting in the ruby lame cape.

I still have that record and like to throw it on from time to time. I also have Oceans of Fantasy.

I can't say I've listened to that one too much but I do know there's a song on there called Bahama Mama and just look at that cover. They're all on one surf board! And if you think that cover is amazing, look at this one:

I never had that record but I kind of wish I did. Look at that thing! Do you think that's where GWAR got the idea for the back cover of their album Scumdogs of the Universe?

Maybe not.

One other Boney M record that I do have is their Christmas album.

Yeah, they kind of dropped the ball on the cover of this one but I still pulled it out a couple times this year. Christmas just isn't Christmas without calypso-disco songs about Jesus. At least Bobby got to celebrate one last Christmas and he got to do one last show. (He performed in Russia last night before he died.) Although he's gone too soon, it's kind of fitting that his last show was in Russia. Boney M were one of the first and only western bands to play in the former Soviet Union and Rasputin is still a bad ass track. Funnily enough Rasputin was murdered on the night of December 29th, 1916 in Russia. Spooooooky.

Here's to you Bobby Farrell. The world has lost a real showman.

Bonus: Bobby's awesome fake Rasputin beard.

Double Bonus: That guy in the front row with the big sideburns completely unfazed, eating something.



Leslie Nielsen: February 11th, 1926 – November 28th, 2010 R.I.P.

Leslie Nielsen dies yesterday. He was 84 years old.

I always liked Leslie. Even though he’s been in over 100 movies, I’ll always remember him best as Frank Drebin.



It’s amazing how an actor who in my mind has always been an old guy can bring back such fond memories of being young. Saturday night sleepovers spent watching Airplane! and Airplane 2 back to back. With a case of mixed loose pops from Mr. Grocer and a large pepperoni and mushroom pizza for sustenance. (Remember when pepperoni on pizza was crispy? Why is modern pepperoni such bullshit?! Sigh , I can’t get into this now. This is a whole other post.) Now sure Airplane! is a funny movie. But if you’re 9 years old with 4 cans of Coke in you, Airplane might as well be your Vice Principal in a dress wiping out in dog shit.





And I know Leslie Nielsen wasn’t in Airplane 2 but by that time we’d had 6 pops each and what little attention span we had left was spent on fort making/arguing over wither or not Boba Fett was a robot or not. Airplane 2 was barely witnessed. It sucked anyway. Except maybe the wrestling bit.



Hey did you know Leslie Nielsen was on WWF back in the 90s?



Sweet!

I remember being 11 years old and getting my parents to drop us off at the Showcase cinema an hour early so we could sneak into Chuck E. Cheese next door (they HATED unsupervised kids and you really did have to sneak in) to play video games. Then going to see Naked Gun after we got kicked out (I think one of us asked Chucky if he was a homo.)



And hey, O. J. Simpson was in it too.

Ha, ha ha. He’s a murderer.

And of course Leslie was also in The Creepshow. I can’t leave that out.



Leslie Nielsen. 1926 - 2010. Let him RIP.

Leslie Nielsen Farts on a Morning Show - watch more funny videos

Grrrawwwwrrr! Wear a rubber.

Hey losers,


Long time since I rapped with ya. Around here at The Creepshow I usally like to keep things pretty clean

(1958-2009 RIP)

But today I want to talk to you all about a subject that’s got Canadians (well, Ontarians really) in an uproar.



Today I want to talk to you all about sex education (pulls up a chair and sits on it backwards). You see the government of Ontario recently came up with a plan to change Ontario schools’ sex education teaching. They want to start sex ed earlier. From Grade 1 on to be exact. That means 6 year olds would be learning sex ed. Why not go a step further with these?

It would be a gradual program that goes something like this:

Grade 1 kids would be taught to identify different genitalia and use the correct words for them such as vagina, penis and testicles. (Today’s fast paced texting, internet, iPhone youth don’t have time for all that so they just use the all encompassing phrase Junk).

(I bet she uses the right words.)

I don’t know why they’d bother. I’d assume most kids are taught this when they’re potty trained. Although I suppose no woman wants to wind up in bed with some guy that still calls it his dinky

Oh Baby! You turn me on… oh my dinky… OH My DINKY.

Grade 3 kids would learn about same sex families. I’m assuming that would involve watching episodes of My Two Dads.



Grade 5 kids will be taught to identify different parts of the reproductive system and about the changes the body goes through during puberty. The girls will no doubt receive a Growing Up Skipper Doll.



And the boys will be getting a little talk from this kid.

By Grade 7 kids will finally be ready to grasp the concepts of avoiding pregnancy (jump up and down) and avoiding infectious diseases (don’t sleep with this guy).

(But mom… he has a tattoo!)

They also learn about vaginal lubrication (riding in a Corvette) and oral and anal sex. I don’t think anyone needs to be taught about anal sex. I think if that’s something your interested in then your welcome to discover it on your own time. Maybe just a word of warning. There’s poo in there!

As of today this new program has been pulled by the Ontario Government for retooling because too many parents and religious groups complained.( Religious groups have their own way of teaching sex ed as we’ve all found out). So for now it’s back to the original program that everyone says is out dated because it hasn’t been updated in 12 years. Well it’s still not as old as most kids’ dads’ nudie mag collection.

It’s a good thing the morality squad hasn’t seen what the Middlesex-London, Ontario Health unit is doing to promote sex education to kids. They’ve created an online game called Adventures in Sex City.

You get to pick from one of the 4 super heroes you see above. They are clockwise from top left:

Willy the Kid - He seems to be modeled after Mr. T but with a bigger bag of garbage downstairs. The game says his super power is rock hard strength.

Captain Condom – He apparently was a scientist who had a freak accident while trying to create the perfect condom. Now he’s half man and half condom. He also spends his free time handing out condoms.

Power Pap – She’s sexually active!

Wonder Vag – She is a virgin and promotes abstinence. I also think a good way to promote abstinence is to walk around in a pink mini skirt and hooker boots.

Once you’ve picked your weird/creepy hero you get to do battle wit the evil Sperminator (that would be the guy with dicks for arms in the Mexican wrestling mask). He fires sperm loads at you from his dick arms (I’m not making this up go play and see). You defeat him by answering sex ed trivia questions correctly. Answer right and you block his man’s milk with a giant condom. Answer wrong and his baby batter splatters all over you and you say things like Ahh, right in the face and I’m gonna need a shower.

I’ll tell you who really needs sex education. Guys in high risk porno-character type jobs. Guys like mailmen, plumbers, pool cleaners, and pizza delivery guys.

Do you think they carry around rubbers? You know just in case. Oh well, that’s all for now. I wanted post that SNL sketch Wong and Owens: Ex-Porn Stars to compliment my musings on wither porno job guys think porno scripts might be based on fact but it’s only on Hulu. So instead here’s one of my favorite Bill Brasky sketches. Smell ya later. Oh and if you’re gonna bum jam anyone this weekend, where a rubber.


Watch Bill Brasky-Brasky Buddies in Entertainment  
  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Andrew Koenig - August 17th 1968 - February 25th, 2010 RIP

Richard "Boner" Stabone was  found tonight in Stanley park.

He took his own life.

No jokes.

If you read my earlier post  you know I loved him as Boner despite the jokes.

His father Walter Koenig said earlier:

“If you’re one of those people and you feel you can’t handle it anymore, you know, if you can learn anything from this, it’s that there’s people out there who really care,”

If you are feeling down, don't take the same path as Andrew. It can be tough but you're not alone. Think of Boner Stabone. It always makes me smile.

Happy Groundhog Day!

The decision is unanimous. Earlier today Wiarton Willie, Shubenacadie Sam and Punxsutawney Phil all saw their shadows, heralding six more weeks of winter. (Pickering Pete is yet to check in I’m going to assume he was eaten by a hawk.)

RIP Pickering Pete.

It doesn’t matter anyways. There’s only one groundhog that really matters to me and that’s Wiarton Willie.

He’s Canadian, he’s albino and the old farts that bring him out wear the best get-ups.

I think those are Lions Club ceremonial robes.

If I got the chance to bring out Willie I’d wear platform shoes, a kilt and a long fur cape being held up by two midgets both wearing the same but with the addition of groundhog masks. Oh and I would have a big crown on my head that incorporated Willie’s presentation burrow. I would take my crown off and Willie would pop out of it like a magician’s rabbit and decide the eteorological fate of the world. The crown would also have a built in gyroscopic function that keeps Willie upright at all times regardless of wither the crown is on my head or I’m doffing it for the ceremony. Because keeping Willie upside down would be cruel.

Speaking of cruel, the PETA people think it’s cruel to use a real groundhog on Groundhog Day. They want to replace Puxatony Phil with a robot

You can’t do that. You would need to design a robot that could not only detect its own shadow but be afraid of it. Fear is an emotion. We all know what happens when you start giving robots emotions.

The Puxatony Philthousand went online February 2, 2010. He became sentient February 14th. Dunh dunh duhn duhnt dunh duhn duhn Duhnt…

Yep, we’re all going to die.


Maybe Pickering will take a hint from PETA and replace Pete with a robot. Do you know where Pickering get their power from?

The Pickering Nuclear Plant

Now if you have a robotic groundhog running around that’s nuclear powered and someone tries to do this:







It’s going to result in this:







And then we’re all going to die or end up looking like this:

So what say you now PETA? Would you rather be hunted down by robotic cyborg groundhogs with nuclear hearts that will explode and turn us all into mutants? I didn’t think so. So make way for next year’s Puxatony Phil protesters. These guys:

Yeah, they have a problem with this:

P.S. Has the term groundhog been made a gay subculture yet? I’m thinking really short bucktoothed hairy guys that are into glory-holes.

RIP Case of the Mondays Jan 18th-Feb 1st, 2010

Case of the Mondays is dead. I’m abandoning it do to lack of interest. I will return to regular postings tomorrow.

Happy Necro-Birthday Dead Elvis!

If Elvis Priestly was still alive he would be 75 years old today. Do you think he would have let himself age the natural Johnny Cashesque way?

Or the plastic surgery and skin peal Tom Jonesesque way?

It seems to me that Elvis was too big a fan of gimmicks and the latest fads to let himself grow old grace(land)fully . Remember when he got into Karate?

It kind of makes me wish he had made it to the mid-eighties ninja movie phase. He would have made a great edition to Enter the Ninja (best ninja move ever).







Yeah, sadly, I think if Elvis was still around today we’d be looking at a botoxed, spray-tanned, hair plug pompadoured Elvis still shaking his hip replaced pelvis on a stage in Las Vegas somewhere.

Never mind that. What kind of effect would a still alive Elvis have on the Las Vegas economy? Aren’t there thousands of people making millions of dollars in that city do to the fact that he’s dead? I mean who wants to see an Elvis impersonator if the real deal is still alive and doing 2 shows a night at the Bellagio?

That’s another thing. Why do so many Elvis impersonators choose to impersonate Elvis at his worst?

I like the young cool Elvis of the 50s and 60s. Not the bloated bedazzled pill box in a jump suit.

Cool Elvis.

Then there are all those people that think he isn’t dead. Well if he isn’t you’ve got about 15-20 years tops to find him. Then he’ll be dead for sure. There are many theories as to what he’s been doing the past few decades. My favorite is that he grew a beard and is one of the members of Z Z Top (or as my mother likes to call them Zed Zed Top).

Come on. He’s dead! Get over it. You should be happy for him. I read a recent quote from Noel Gallagher that said:

"The only reason people revere John Lennon is because he's not around to be shit"

I agree and the same goes for Elvis. Elvis will live on forever in his music and in the weirdos that worship him. For more on that here’s Mojo Nixon. Happy Birthday Big E.