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Thursday, December 17, 2009

What Villains Eat.

The life of a villain is shrouded in mystery. As far as anyone can tell their days are spent lounging on thrones, laughing maniacly, skulking in the shadows, yelling at henchmen and awaiting the final showdown with a hero or pitch-forking by an angry mob. But they still have to eat. Here’s what villains eat:

The Phantom of the Opera:


He lives in the sewers below the opera house. What else is he going to eat? When he appears in the rafters at an opening night soiree he might grab a couple of deviled eggs on the way out but for the most part the Phantom of the Oprah is eating rats. Not so Romantic now, eh ladies? (On the flip side I’m pretty sure Vincent from Beauty and the Beast ate rats too. You hear that middle age women? All your dreamboats are full of RAT MEAT).

Darth Vader:

Baby food.

“Darth Vader is more machine now then man. Twisted and evil” You know who else was more machine then man? RoboCop and he ate baby food.

Grand Moff Tarken (to Stormtrooper): Go to Lord Vader’s chambers and feed him Gerber Strained Peas.

Stormtrooper: But sir! Lord Vader hates peas. Just last week he spit them all over the Death Star and force choked two Stormtroopers and a Biker Scout!

Frankenstein’s Monster:


Frankenstein’s Monster just roamed around sleeping rough and no doubt eating garbage. Dr. Frankenstein basically created a homeless man. Good Job. Just what the world needed, a fucking bum. What’s the next brainwave there Doc? A Frankenhooker?

Dr. Doom:

Grey Peas with Small Pieces of Bacon.

Apparently Dr. Doom rules some fictional world called Latveria. I looked around to see if I could find out what the Latverian National dish is but found nothing. So, I’m going with the next closest thing. The Latvian national dish Grey Peas with Small Pieces of Bacon. Yea, he eats that. No wonder he’s so mean. I’m sure he probably also eats soup, peanuts, Yops and whatever else he can jam into those little holes in his face.

The Joker:


The joker was a crazy person. All the crazy people in my neighborhood eat at McDonalds or Coffee Time.

I could go on but every other major villain eats either steak or people (see Blofeld, Dracula, Hannibal Lecter, Lex Luthor etc). Except for Cruella Devil who like all old vain rich women lives off a steady diet of Martini olives and jiggalo sweat.

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