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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Johnny’s Great Gift Ideas for Kids.

Christmas is only three days away and many of you will be faced with having to buy presents for little people (children not midgets). This can be a daunting task but worry no more. I am here to rescue you with great children’s gift ideas.

Bum Fights DVD

The secret world of the homeless is mysterious and engrossing to children. Kids are always interested in learning about what it’s like to be a grown up. That’s why Bum Fights is perfect for them. Parents can also use this DVD as an educational tool to warn children about what the future has in store for them if they don’t work hard in school and respect mommy and daddy.

Placenta Bear

Wondering what to do with your newborn’s placenta? Follow designer Alex Green and fashion it into a teddy bear? You can name it Vincent Bendict after Danny Devito’s character in twins

Hitler Doll

Soon the last of our World War II veterans will pass away. It is our duty as the citizen’s of the countries they fought for to pass along their memories. Graphic war footage and dressing up like Hitler yourself seems to frighten children. I say ease them into history with a Hitler doll. Just make sure to tell them that it’s evil and not to love it.

Homemade Firearms Book

Toys are getting more and more expensive. There’s nothing worse then having a child beg you relentlessly for a firearm only for you to give in, spend $500 on a handgun and then see them play with it for a week and leave it in the school yard to rust. “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime” says the old Chinease proverb. Well I say buy a child a gun and you entertain them for a day. Buy a child Ronald Brown’s Homemade Guns & Homemade Ammo book and you entertain them for a lifetime (However long that may be… worst case scenario you cross him off your list for next year).

Not to worry though. How could this be dangerous?

Children’s Tread Mill

Today’s children are fat. This is because kid’s favorite food is candy and escalating television quality, internet social networking and parental fear of pedophilia means that children can no longer play outside. That means they need a tread mill. Don’t let them use yours. They’ll only break it and you’ll have to move your shirts off it.

Portable Toilet

Little kids always have to use the bathroom and it’s always when there isn’t one around. Let little Timmy Shit Pants pull this around in his wagon and the problem is solved. In no time at all he’ll be shamed into holding it in and you can put it away until the next time you go camping. Just don’t mix it up with the cooler.

There you go. More then enough there to get you started. And when the little creeps hug you extra tight because they love their gifts so much, tell them to thank Uncle Johnny.

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