Hill Billy the Kid.

Why are we forcing our babies to learn about farms? Seriously, have you noticed how many toys there are for babies and toddlers that revolve around life on the farm? The newest one is this Learning Farm from Fisher Price (I think you’ll find that Fisher Price is the MAIN offender when it comes to these toys):

This one is all electronic and interactive. The cow on the left teaches kids manners. I can see that going over well. Little Billy asks for a cookie and mommy says, “What do you sayyyy Billy?” The kid then points at her, laughs and says “COW”! Mommy bursts into tears and crawls into bed with her old friend Xanax while Little Billy, unsupervised, drowns headfirst in the toilet.

Way to think ahead Fisher Price.

The little pig on the right is a bit more safe and simple. The child rolls his belly and it turns from dirty to clean. Watch Daddy. Shit covered, clean! Shit covered, clean! Daddy takes another slug of Crown Royal, shakes his head and wishes it was that simple.

I don’t know what the chick at the top does. I’ve only seen the commercial once. By the look of the musical note on its belly it I’m sure it plays some loud tinny song that will drive little Billy’s parents insane. We all know where this is headed:







But I digress. My point is why do children need to learn about farms? If you weren’t raised on a farm the chances of you growing up and working on a farm are slim to none. And if you were raised on a farm you don’t need these:

Just look out your God damn window!



Ok. Maybe it’s not just about the farm. Kids like animals. A farm play set is a good way to introduce young children to some of the animals that are a part of our lives. Just don’t tell them what they’re really for:







Do you know how hard it is to get little kids to eat? Do you really want to tell them the yummy hot dog they’re eating used to be this:

Or that those delicious chicken nuggets that they’re enjoying used to be these:

I didn’t think so. Besides, by the time they’re older we won’t even need farms. All our food will come from replicator machines, the internet or (my favorite) we’ll just have our brains removed and put in sturdy robots.

A rudimentary paste will sustain our organic functions and that’s something that babies are already pretty familiar with (for more on this watch Robocop).



So no more farm toys. They’re useless. Get your baby an I-phone, an auto-tuner or some fiber-optic cable to play with.

Prepare it for the future:

P.S. This was the farm toy I had as a child:

My sister and I called it the Fat People Farm. God knows how they ran a farm with no arms and legs? One of our favorite summer pass times was to place the little fat people on the road in front of our house and cheer when they’d get run over. With no fat people to tend to it the Fat People Farm fell into disuse until it was taken over by Cobra and used to sort and store Destro's/my Halloween candy.