I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

"Say Hello to My Little Friend" (yea your wang, buddy)

On a scale of 1 to 10 how much do you like the movie Scarface?

If you said anything higher then 7… you’re an idiot.

Seriously, what is it with this movie? It’s not a terrible movie but it’s definitely not a good movie either. Scarface didn’t make much money and was panned by critics when it came out in 1983. Today It’s badly dated and with Al Pacino’s awful Cuban accent and over-the-top acting it borders on camp. There are some decent lines in it (although I’ve heard them out of the mouths of so many homie/guido douche bags over the past few years that I’d just as soon listen to the mermaid from Splash read me the entire script from Kazaam in her native tongue). Many of the scenes made for good missions in GTA: Vice City and unlike many people I like the music of Giorgio Moroder but that’s about it. Scarface is a movie that I’d happily waste an afternoon watching on Showcase Action but some people have some kind of mental dysfunction that causes them to base their whole life on it?

Most of you are going to say, “it’s a hip-hop thing” (Or should that be “thang”? Let’s add dyslexia to list of dysfunctions too and move on). I guess that’s true. I think the Geto Boys were the first rappers to sample Scarface back in the late 80s. That was followed by every single rapper on MTV Cribs playing Scarface on a giant television when they showed off their ugly, beige walled, hotel room like mansions. If MTV would have allowed them to snort cocaine in a bubble bath while they did it they would have.

Now given that rappers can convince your average young male to dress like this:

It was only a matter of time before we started seeing this:

Look at that jacket!


It’s like a ghetto friendly NASCAR jacket. It’s worse then walking around in one of those leather sleeved jackets from the musical CATS for Christ’s sake (and those cost $300 AND you had to sit through CATS)!

That’s nothing ladies. Wait until he takes you back to his crib and you see this on the mantel:

Or when he takes you upstairs to the boodwar and flicks on this:

So you can get a better look at this:

Before he asks you to lay down on this:

Before you know it you’re going to be rolling around in your underwear ( I tried to find a picture of some Scarface lingerie but it doesn’t exist. That should tell you something guys.) laying on that hideous bedspread while he showers you with a filthy wad of one dollar bills and takes pictures on his camera phone. Get out. Get out now.

Or the next night he’s going to show up outside your window wearing this:

And wailing away on this, ala Say Anything:

Seriously guys. What are you 8? Is Scarface like the ghetto trash Star Wars for you? Do you and your buddies argue over who is going to be Tony Montana( Luke Skywalker) and who is going to be Manny Ribera (Han Solo) when you go out to play? Grow up.

P.S. That Cribs video was done using images from the Scarface video game. It picks up where Scarface the movie left off (What the fuck? Didn’t it leave off with him dead?). There’s a button you can press that makes him swear at people and there’s a balls meter that when you fill it you can go on an indestructible rampage. (Again, what the fuck?)


brendan donnelly said...

even high on cocaine i never liked that movie. it always made me paranoid

Anonymous said...

Hahaha! Man, I just stumbled upon this and couldnt agree with you more. My ex-roomie use to have not one but several Scarface posters hanging up around our house...sometimes more than one in a single room.
I never got it? Its always been kind of a long boring movie to me.