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Friday, December 25, 2009

My 10 Most Awesome Christmas Presents!

Merry Christmas friends, family and selection of weirdos lurking online. In the spirit of the season I have compiled for your viewing pleasure (actually probably more for my own pleasure) a list of what I believe to be the 10 best presents I ever got for Christmas.

1) The Alpha Probe

There must have been a time when I didn’t hate space because I LOVED this thing. Never mind that the Astronauts look more like disco deep sea divers and space travel might have been difficult with all the windows down, the Alpha Probe ruled. It had that cool curly plastic thing that made the figures look like they were floating in space and there was three chunky rubber buttons on the wing that you could press to make sound effects. The only good sound effect was the take-off noise. The other two I think were alarms of some kind. One was probably to tell them to roll up the god damn windows and the other was to alert Punky Brewster to turn on the tv because the Challenger was about to blow up.

Go to 5:11 in for the goods.

2) Gauntlet for My Commodore 64

This game was at the Appleby Mall and I always wanted to play it but even though it was a four player arcade game:

I could never play it because guys like this hogged it all day.

When I got this game for Christmas it was the only thing I wanted and I remember my parents hid it at the back of the tree Red Rider Bee-bee Gun style. I was so happy that the 2 hours it took to load it seemed to fly by. Then it was nothing but this:

“Your Warrior needs food”

3) G. I. Joe Headquarters

I wanted this for my birthday but never got it. Three solid months of successful whining and begging bore results. The G. I. Joe Base had it all.

- A big gun at the front to shoot any Cobras that got too close (or Iraqis as Americans now call them ).

- A Command Center to keep tabs on the two vehicles and one helicopter that the base holds. (What is this G. I. Joe’s Canadian headquarters?)

- A drunk tank for Shipwreck to sleep off his rum ration.

- A garage with a lift so that Rock N Roll can work on his Chevy Nova.

- An open top concept that provides the Joes with lots of fresh air and a good view of any incoming missile attacks.

I know it looks like a total piece of shit now but I loved it and happily spent hours setting my Joes up in it. Later on, after seeing Police Academy, my sister would sneak into my room with a hand made sign that said “The Blue Oyster Bar”. She’d stick it on the base and rearrange all the Joes so they were dancing together. This infuriated me. Who knew I was so homophobic as a child?

I know everyone has seen these but I can’t resist:

4) Handmade Batman Cape

There were these old ladies at the Appleby Mall that made and sold scarves, toques and mitts. I think it was for charity or something. Anyway they also sold handmade superhero capes and I got a batman one for Christmas. I think it was made out of felt. It was blue with navy blue piping around it and the yellow bat symbol on the back. There’s a picture of me standing in front of the Christmas tree wearing it along with my sister’s navy blue tights. What’s that? Yes, that does sound kind of gay. I guess I wasn’t that homophobic as a child after all.

5) My first DVD Player

Ok it wasn’t as cool as that but it was still an awesome gift and it did have something in common with this Terminator one beyond playing DVDs. The first movie I got with it was Detroit Rock City starring Edward Furlong who also played the little creep in Terminator 2.

A lot of people think Detroit Rock City sucked but I like it and I still love the scene with the Guidos.

Try to watch this movie with the Gene Simmons commentary on. Try to. I dare you.

6) The James Bond Lotus Submarine Car

This was the car that James Bond drove in The Spy Who Loved Me. The toy version had a button on the top that you could press to turn it from a car into a submarine (fins popped out and I think the wheels retracted). It also fired little red missiles that I called “Timothy Dinks” because they looked like our pet cat Timothy’s penis.

7) Revenge of the Nerds: Panty Raid Edition DVD

Revenge of the Nerds is tied for first place with Bachelor Party as my ultimate favorite movie. Not only does the Panty Raid edition contain (horribly unwatchable) deleted scenes like when the Nerds go to a fraternity convention in Las Vegas dressed as Africans but it also contains great commentary by Curtis Armstrong aka Booger.

8) Plush ET Doll

I loved ET as kid. After I saw that movie I became obsessed with him. I started a club called the “ET Touch the Stars Club” and I was the president because I wore a pair of jeans with ET on the back pocket (again, I guess I wasn’t that homophobic as a child). The clubs main goals were building traps and putting them out in the woods to catch our own ET, talking about how much we liked ET and boycotting ham (I thought that ham looked just like ET when he was sick and refused to eat it). I also wore this creepy plastic ET finger that glowed when you squeezed a battery pack and looked more like a sex toy:

The plush ET that I got was the same as the one in the picture above. It didn’t really look like ET. More like a cross between ET and a teddy bear. I don’t think it was a licensed ET product. Still, with my summer time ET Touch the Stars Club long since disbanded (they grew tired of never actually catching an ET and craved ham no doubt), my new plush ET became the sole conduit for my ET affection.

P.S. Although I did enjoy the ET movie I’d kind of like to see an alternate Rambo version where ET just hides in the woods picking off the Government Agents one by one saving the man with the keys for last and healing all his orifices shut with his glow finger.

9) Skid Row “Slave to the Grind” shirt

My aunt and uncle sent me a Skid Row t-shirt for Christmas when I was about 14 years old. I never liked Skid Row and I never really liked heavy metal. (Attention metal geeks, please refrain from posting comments saying Skid Row wasn’t heavy metal they were hair metal or other such nonsense. It’s all the same. I don’t care and you’re a loser if you care). Now that I’m older I do have a collection of metal records that I enjoy with a certain mocking appreciation but none of them are Slave to the Grind. No matter how you look at it Skid Row sucks.

Except 18 And Life. That song is awesome and the video is awesome:

I thought this shirt was a pretty shitty gift at the time. Maybe I should have expected it seeing as they sent me a Bon Jovi tape for my Birthday a few months earlier. Over the years I’ve grown to appreciate my Skid Row t-shirt. A white trash dress up party and one Halloween have seen me dawning it as a center piece. Now Slave to the Grind sits folded in my bottom drawer uncertain of its future. Maybe I’ll send it to my nephew when he turns 14. Thus carrying on the unwanted legacy.

10) Castle Grey Skull

I don’t remember much about playing with Castle Grey Skull but I sure do remember getting it for Christmas. That’s because the box was fucking HUGE! Every kid should get a Christmas present that comes in a box as big as them at least once. It really makes for the wow factor regardless of what’s in it. What’s in Castle Grey Skull? Let’s have a look:

Jeez, nice place you’ve got here Skeletor. I’ve seen crack heads and gangster rappers with more furniture. At least you’ve got your trap door throne there. Too bad He Man and every other figure was too ripped to fit through it.

No bathroom I see. No problem there as I hear steroids make you constipated. But what’s with the elevator? Shouldn’t you have a winding staircase so you can blast your calves on your way up to Beastor’s room?

Yes a closer examination reveals why I don’t remember much about playing with Castle Grey Skull. Because it sucked. No wonder Skellator was such a negative jerk. Castle Grey Skull was like a porn star… an alluring exterior with a possible hint of danger but inside… lifeless, dead and empty (except when stuffed with meaty oiled hulks).

There it is folks. For better or worse my 10 most memorable Christmas presents. Everything a boy could dream of on Christmas morn. I hope you all had a great Christmas and Santa brought you something good. It will never be as good as Revenge of the Nerds: Panty Raid Edition or the Alpha Probe but that’s life.

Sing me out Blacksploitation Raisins!

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