I've got it all figured out.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Short stacks, wheelie poppers and freaks... the bell tolls for thee.

Hi, Johnny Creepshow here. We’ll return to The Regenerated Man shortly but first I want to talk to you all about something.

Computer generated imagery.

CGI has changed the way movies are being made, mostly for the better. Directors now have the tools to truly realize their cinematic dreams. Dreams like this:


However for some members of the film making community CGI has become a bane. Let’s take a minute to think about those that Hollywood has pushed aside to make way for technology.


30 years ago you couldn’t make a decent action movie without stuntmen. Where else are you going to find someone with enough liquor and drugs in their system to decide that trying this is a good idea and still have the ability to pull it off?

With CGI they’re no longer needed. Instead of stunts being performed by someone as cool as the Fall Guy

They’re being designed by fat, sweaty nerds like this

I’ll have you know that Donald Gibb, the man that played Fred “The Ogre” Palowakski in Revenge of the Nerds was a stuntman

And we all now how he feels about nerds.

Creepy Looking Actors

What ever happened to guys like Vincent Schiavelli? He was Hollywood’s go-to guy when ever a film called for a creepy butler, odd ball priest or morbid mortician. I don’t think he’s seen work since Ghost. Now don’t get me wrong, Andy Serkis did a great job providing the voice and movements for Gollum in the Lord of the Rings trilogy

But Steve Buscemi could have done just as good a job and all he would have had to do was shave his head.

Come on Hollywood. I know you can dream up some pretty scary dudes with the latest CGI software but sometimes truth is scarier then fiction. Don’t believe me? Ask actor Michael Berryman.


Hollywood used to be so kind to midgets. You couldn’t make a Sci-Fi movie without them. Hell, George Lucas was their patron saint. R2-D2 was a midget, the Jawas were midgets, the Ewoks were midgets, those little pig faced guys on Cloud City were midgets. Maybe it should be the other way around and George should be the one worshiping midgets because he never could have made any of the Star Wars movies without them. And don’t get me started on Willow.

So what does George do to repay midget actors for all their hard work? He flips them the big digital bird with his all CGI Star Wars prequels. And they sucked!

Now the great image of Kenny Baker’s R2-D2

has been washed away by the twisted image of hate that is Jar Jar Binks.

And where are all those proud Ewok midgets now? Penny-less and drunk as fuck on the Today Show!

And sorry to mention it again but what about the Lord of the Rings trilogy? Here was a perfect chance for midgets to be thrust into the spotlight again but no. They decide use regular sized actors and shorten them digitally. For shame Peter Jackson. For Shame. Come on Hollywood. Bring back the midgets. At the very least it will make this guy irrelevant.

So next time you’re watching a film and you see some great CGI special effect. Take pause and think of these movie misfits. Passed up for progress. Gone but not forgotten.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled movie The Regenerated Man already in progress.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Andrew Koenig - August 17th 1968 - February 25th, 2010 RIP

Richard "Boner" Stabone was  found tonight in Stanley park.

He took his own life.

No jokes.

If you read my earlier post  you know I loved him as Boner despite the jokes.

His father Walter Koenig said earlier:

“If you’re one of those people and you feel you can’t handle it anymore, you know, if you can learn anything from this, it’s that there’s people out there who really care,”
If you are feeling down, don't take the same path as Andrew. It can be tough but you're not alone. Think of Boner Stabone. It always makes me smile.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

On the Wolfman’s Junk and Interspecies Relationships.

I was thinking about the Wolfman the other day...

Something I’m sure everyone tends to do now and then.

I was thinking about him and I was wondering… when he turns from like a man into the Wolfman does he keep a regular human wiener or does he get one of those lipstick dog wieners? And if he keeps a human wiener, does it get all hairy too? See most of the Wolfmen I’ve seen in movies tend to be wearing jeans so I can’t tell.

One thing I can tell you though is that they definitely have nards.

Now all this thinking about the Wolfman’s wang got me thinking about something else. Did you ever watch the Alvin & the Chipmunks cartoon?

I’m sure you did. They were responsible for such musical atrocities as this.


Still that wasn’t the worst thing you’d see on a Saturday morning.

Anyway, one thing that really bothered me about the Alvin & the Chipmunks cartoon was that they carried on romantic relationships with human girls.

I can understand girls finding the Chipmunks cute in the same way they might find a puppy cute but having a crush on one? Dating one? Kissing with tongues? Having sex??!! Are they even physically capable of doing that? What does a chipmunk wang look like anyway? What would their off spring look like?

Yikes! That thing is going to need a lot of love and support. Although given the Chipmunks new Gangsta look

I’m sure the little mutant will grow up fatherless.

This was a big thing in the 80s though, women falling in love with non-human entities. Why was that? Did women feel ignored by all the narcissistic, yuppie men that had no time for them? Or maybe it had something to do with Japan’s dominance over the western consumer back then (seeing as Japan seems to be our major excuse for this sort of thing today).

Well what ever it was it gave us things like…

Stephanie Speck and Johnny 5 in Short Circuit

Beverly Switzler and Howard T. Duck.

(Shudder, again)

And don’t even get me started on Earth Girls Are Easy.

Hey look we’re back to the Wolfman man again. Mind blowing!

Give it to me Wolfman!!!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Boner is Missing! Repeat, Boner is Missing!

Andrew Koenig the actor that portrayed Richard “Boner” Stabone on the hit tv series Growing Pains is missing.

He was last seen in a cream coloured VW Beatle convertible being driven by his good friend Michael Seaver. The two were headed to a local pizza establishment in order to watch one Sheena “Woo Woo” Berkowitz toss pizzas up in the air while listening to Tiffany’s Could’ve Been.

Seriously though, Boner is missing. He was last seen by friends on Valentine’s Day. He was believed to be heading to Vancouver but should have arrived back in California a week ago. Here is a more recent picture.

Despite the long hair that is still most definitely Boner Stabone.

What could have happened to him? Is it just a coincidence that the 2010 Winter Olympics are happening in Vancouver, Boner’s believed destination? I have heard that professional sports teams often use celebrities to entertain or pump up the players before a match. Could a pep talk from the B man himself have inspired the US Olympic men’s hockey team to last night’s 5-3 victory over Canada? I’d say it’s entirely possible.

Friends of Koenig also say that he enjoyed walking in Vancouver’s Stanley Park.

This brings up another possible scenario. A danger that is all too real when dealing with British Columbia’s rugged wilderness.


No one knows where these mysterious creatures come from. Some say that we are their direct descendants. Others say that UFO’s come down and unload crates of them.

I can’t which is right but I’ll tell you one thing for sure. BC is full of them. Andrew Koenig was known to be an environmental activist. If he was walking in Stanley park his love of nature may have caused him to stray off the established paths and venture deeper into the forest. Bigfoots are known to give off an offensive odor. Boner may have mistaken this for the smell of Ben Seaver’s pungent pal Stinky Sullivan.

(only known picture of Stinky)

With thoughts of relishing one last nuggie on old Stinky’s noggin Boner may very well have been snatched up by a Sasquatch. Whisked away to its cave to regal the reclusive bigfoot community with tails of the dashing Mike Seaver or to see if he can use his television connections to resurrect Harry & the Hendersons.

The final and possibly most plausible explanation for Boner’s disappearance has to do with his father Walter Koenig. Walter is best known for his portrayal of Pavel Chekov in the original Star Trek.

Perhaps Boner ran afoul of some Russian Olympic Athletes that were offended by his father’s atrocious Russian accent. Or worse yet perhaps he ran afoul of some Star Trekkies. I don’t think I have to explain how crazy they can be.

I’d like to end this with a little reminiscing on my favorite Richard “Boner” Stabone episodes from Growing Pains.

1) The one where he goes to the school dance with fish sticks in his pocket.

2) The one where he’s in a school play but can’t remember his lines so he tape records them, puts the tape player in his pocket, presses play and lip syncs his lines.

3) The one where Mike sneaks away (to visit a girlfriend or audition in the city, I can’t remember which) without his parents permission so Boner dresses up as Mike and goes out to shovel the Seaver driveway so they think Mike is still home. Maggie brings him hot chocolate and he drinks it through his white ski mask so as not to give him self away.

4) Any episode where Carol and her friends all scream Ewwww Booonnnerrr!!! when he appears.

All kidding aside lets all pray to God (or Jimmy as Boner referred to him once) for the safe return of Andrew Koenig because a world without Boner is a shitter place to be.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Je Ne Sais Pas, Van Damme.

Last night I was watching this video of Dolph Lundgren. Have you seen it? It’s amazing.

Unfamiliar with Dolph’s work? Allow me to freshen your memory. He played He Man in Masters of the Universe.

For those of you who think he looks kind of gay as He Man, let’s look at some of the other people that have dressed up as He Man.

By comparison I’d say Dolph looks pretty bad ass.

He also played Andrew Scott in Universal Soldier.

That’s right. Alongside none other than splits performing, super bad ass Jean Claude Van Damme.

This got me thinking about Van Damme and some of his films. Why is it that in many of the movies Van Damme made they felt they had to explain his Belgian accent?

For example in Lionheart he played a deserter of the French Foreign Legion. If you thought Dolph Lundgren looked gay as He Man, check this out.

I think they also filmed Gerardo’s Rico Suave at the same location.

In Death Warrant Van Damme plays a (French) Canadian policeman that goes under cover in a prison. It’s kind of like Shawshank Redemption but with all the intelligent and uplifting parts replaced by kicking.

I’ve seen that guy with the fu Manchu get his ass kicked in at least 10 different movies.

Hard Target has Jean Claude taking on the roll of a New Orleans drifter (from the French quarter) who, while trying to help a woman find out what happened to her father, stumbles on a group of bad guys that hunt hobos for sport. This may be the most complicated Van Damme plot yet.

Man, did you cheer while watching that? I did.

You see what I mean about how they keep explaining his accent? What does it matter? Does anyone watching these movies care? And why didn’t they ever do it with Arnold Schwarzenegger? His accent is even crazier. James Cameron never felt the need to explain to us why our robot enemies of the future decided to give their time traveling cybernetic killing machine a thick Austrian accent. In fact the closest anyone came to making any sort of statement regarding Arnie’s language barrier was the makers of Hercules In New York. In the original release they just gave up and dubbed his voice completely. I wonder why?

Maybe producers thought Americans couldn’t accept the concept of one of their heroes having a French sounding accent.

Maybe if they had ignored it and cast Van Damme as an American in all his films he’d be a governor now too. Maybe I need to stop thinking about bad movies for a while.

Oh well. At least you got to watch some awesome videos with me. Have a good weekend yall.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I was a 9 Year Old Ninja!

From the ages of about 8 to 11 I was well versed of the deadly arts of the ninja.

I had no master and I attended no Dojo. I was introduced to the ways of the ninja by an old friend that I still see today…

Enter the Ninja (1981)

I must have rented this movie about 50 times before getting my own copy. VideoFlix and Bandito Video provided me with many other teachers too.

There was Revenge of the Ninja.

American Ninja.

Ninja 3: The Domination.

And let us not forget 9 Deaths of the Ninja

Sho Kosugi was at his best in this one. Especially when he tackled a group of midgets dressed like the Blues Brothers.

Special mention must also go to Gymkata.

I never liked Gymkata as a child because I thought it was wrong for true ninjas to use machine guns. As it turns out they weren’t really ninjas at all just a bunch of weirdos from some fake country called Parmistan (or Yukislovia). The hero wasn’t a ninja either. He was Olympic Gold Medal gymnast Kurt Thomas. Still there were some memorable scenes.

Sure these films taught me many of the ninja techniques (and pommel horse techniques) but Enter the Ninja was my master.

Allow me to enlighten you on my typical Saturday as a suburban boy ninja.

I would begin with laying out my ninja gi on my bedroom floor.

(the one my parents brought me back from the China Town in San Francisco)

I added to this a pair of my dads black dress socks. I would tuck in the toes to make them look like tabi boots.

Beside my gi I would lay out my ninja weaponry.

The above picture is similar to what I saw in my head as I laid out my arsenal. In truth it was a sad state of affairs. No matter how many times we visited the Dixie Mall and the Yonge and Dundas flea market my parents refused to allow me to purchase any real ninja weapons. Therefore I was forced to fight and train with fake and homemade ones. I had the usual plastic ninja sword, butterfly knife and rubber throwing stars. Most of these were purchased from Zellers or the IDA drug store around Halloween.

My homemade weapons were a little weirder.

To the 9 year old ninja, the discarded broom stick is the greatest of allies. Wrap some hockey tape around the middle and you have a Bo staff that Donatello would be proud of.

Cut it into pieces and nail an old dog chain to it and you have a sweet pair of Nunchuks.

My favorite though were my homemade sais.

They were made out of a couple of long thick nails that I found up by the railway tracks and the prongs of an old barbeque rotisserie set.

I thought I was a genius when I came up with that. Much like the man that got this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles back piece.

The ancient arts of the ninja were to be performed with the utmost secrecy. For the 9 year old ninja, to be discovered could result in ridicule, grounding, or the ultimate dishonor… confiscation and destruction of the homemade weapons.

I would don my gi minus the hood and await the parental departure to Leon’s or Mr. Grocer. I’d pass the time thumbing through my well read copies of the TMNT Official Martial Arts Training Manuals.

Trying to tell time by looking in our cats eyes, an ancient ninja technique.

Or Practice My Ninja Kuji (all copied from Enter the Ninja).

When I sensed (looked out the window) that the parental car had left the driveway. It was time to begin suiting up.

Anyone that is familiar with 80s action movies knows how important the suiting up scene is.

Rambo 2 had one.

Commando maybe had the best one.

And Enter the Ninja had one too.

Basically I would put on all my ninja junk while humming some kind of dramatic music.

Dunh dunh duuunnhh dunnnhhh du dunh dunh duuunnnhh duunnnhhh.

Finally it was time to fight ninjas. Hundreds of ninjas.

I would fight wave after wave of imaginary ninjas all around my house. Up the stairs. Down the stairs. Sometimes the battles would spill out onto the back deck, down to the yard and back through the patio doors. (God, my neighbors must have thought I was fucking retarded). I would do this until one of four things happened. My parents came home, I hurt myself (this happened often), I broke something in the house (this also happened often) or I just became too exhausted to swing my broom stick anymore.

Then it was off the kitchen to eat a can of Beefaroni