I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Behold! Roxxxy the Talking Sex Doll.

Drink her in fellas. Oh those dark lifeless eyes, that pallid almost photshopesque complexion and that wide mannish jaw. She kind of reminds me of a cross between Will Ferrel when he played Janet Reno…

and one of those murder victim facial recreations built around the dead person’s skull.

I can sum her up in two words…

Boner Antidote.

Shouldn’t sex dolls be just a little bit sexy? I mean fare enough, there are some guys out there that will fuck a pumpkin with a hole in it but you’d be hard pushed to get them to cough up $7,000 for it. Hell you could get a sexier looking car for seven grand. But wait, it’s not all about the looks. Roxxy interacts with you. She talks. She answers questions. She becomes your lover AND your friend.

Amazing! She’s quite the ventriloquist too. I didn’t see her mouth move once. (Apparently her voice comes from a loudspeaker located under her wig, shudder). Those Aussies didn’t seem too keen. Then again in Australia they’d have to hire a bounty hunter and drive across the wastelands to get their hands on a decent model.

Based on real events in Australia

Never mind the voice. She also comes with 5 different personalities. The creepy inventor Douglas Hines mentioned one of them in the video, Wicked Wendy the skank personality (lovely). A CNN article I read also mentions Frigid Farrah, which I assume is Wendy’s opposite. I think I’ve got the other three figured out:

- Angry Annie (She has a big red afro, acne scars and sounds like Rosie O’Donnel trapped in a burlap sac.)

- Flatulent Francine (You have to pay an extra $1,000 for the second loudspeaker and the built in garbage disposal.)

- Sindy Stripper (She smells like cigarettes and hand sanitizer. She consistently and persistently demands cocaine. Put something sharp in her hand if you want her to try and stab you in your sleep.)

Douglas Hines says that he came up with the idea after loosing a friend in the 9/11 attacks.

"I had a friend who passed away in 9/11. I promised myself I would create a program to store his personality, and that became the foundation for Roxxxy True Companion."

Wow! Just when you thought it couldn’t get any creepier. How do you go from trying to preserve the memory of a dear lost friend to this?

On Hines’ True Companion website he says that the death of his friend was just the jumping off point for his idea and that eventually he turned it into Roxxxy to capitalize on the massive sex doll market. Is there really a massive market for sex dolls? I don’t think I know anyone that has or has ever owned a sex doll. You’ve got to think that once you decide to purchase something like this, you really are descending into new realms of sad social depravity.

1) Unless you can go pick this thing up, someone is going to have to deliver it to your home. How awkward would that be? Oh it’s just my new fridge. Yea, my new fridge from True Companions. Even if you can go pick it up imagine getting pulled over with that thing stuffed in your trunk! You’d be a cop-shop legend for years to come.

2) This thing is the size of an adult human. You can’t just put it in a bedside drawer or throw a blanket over it. You’re either going to have to hide it good, explain to your friends that you have sex with a rubber woman, or never have friends over again (and yes, I’m being nice and assuming you have friends).

3) One day you might meet an actual woman. What do you do? Do you throw Roxxxy away? That’s a pretty big risk. What if things don’t work out with the real woman? You could always tell the new woman about Roxxxy. She’s seen past all your other obvious flaws (the ones that lead you to buy a $7,000 sex doll) I’m sure she’ll get a real kick out of this one. Can you imagine being a woman dating a new guy and you open up a hall closet and that thing falls out at your feet! Or walking in on him having sex with it!! Or hearing a noise in the basement late at night and tip toeing downstairs to see him washing it out in the laundry room sink!!!! Aahhhhhhhhhh!!!!! You wouldn’t know whether to laugh or cry but whichever it is you’d be doing it while getting the fuck out of there.

Oh, that reminds me. For all you desperate ladies out there True Companions is designing a male version that it is calling Rocky. Let’s hope it looks better then the real deal.

One more thing:



brendan donnelly said...

it's times like this i wish i had $7,500 to spend wisely. ...i'd still hit it

Johnny said...

Oh I'd hit it too...

repeatedly until it stopped moving.

Screaming the whole time.