I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Welcome To Value Village!

I’m Johnny CreepShow and I will be your guide on this whirlwind tour showcasing to you everything Value Village has to offer.

As you step through the (barely functioning) automatic doors, breath in deep.

Snnniiifff. Ahhhhh. Smell that? That’s more than just the smell of questionably washed second hand clothing. You’ll also detect a nostril singeing sweetness. That comes from the big air freshener at the back. Some of those uppity vintage stores try to mask the smell of their clothes with incense. Value Village prefers to over power it with blast after blast of nauseating lavender. You’ll recognize this smell in every Value Village you visit. I like to think of it as their signature scent.

Now let’s hang a left over to the glassware.

Wow! What a selection. A little overwhelming isn’t it? Let me point out a few of the staples.

Vintage Highball Glasses.

You’ll always find these. Don’t let the picture fool you though. What you see up there is a complete set. At Value Village you’ll never find more then 3 of a kind. Not to worry though. You can make it a foursome with this classic boob mug.

Take a gulp from the top or be a gentleman and sip from the nip. Always a big seller.

Ceramics made by kids in grade 10 sculpting are popular too.

There's hundreds of candy dishes.

These remind us of a time when candy was rare and needed to be showcased. Now only old people have them. When the old people die, they end up here.

I’d also like to point out the large selection of discarded corporate award plaques, Valentine’s mugs that once contained flowers and fast food no-spill drink holders from the 90s that have that straw that makes that crinkly noise… but I see I’ve already lost you. You’re drawn to the art section on the far wall. Yes the classic thrift store masterpieces are all there.

The framed Lamborghini poster.

The self- portrait of the (yet to be caught) serial killer.

Plus cross stitching for everyone’s tastes.

Let’s move into the real meat course of your Value Village meal. The real reason you’re here is the clothing!

Sadly the consistent decline in western civilization’s fashion tastes coupled with the rise of Ebay has seen good vintage clothes all but disappear. Still, lets take a peek.

Coats, coats, coats!!!

There’s the really stiff black jean jacket that’s too big for any one and the numerous beige trench coats with too short arms. (No black ones though thanks to guys this.)

Oh and there’s the ratty fur coat for the ladies (or for Jocks to wear to their annual dress up like a pimp for Halloween party).

For some reason they also like to put coveralls with the coats.

I believe it stems from a cover all overabundance do to the drop in popularity of Slipknot with today’s youth.

I can’t for the life of me figure out why they’re no longer popular. Moving on to jeans and slacks.

Emphasis on the word Slack.

There's your Shady Ltd.

There's your Sean John

In fact if a rapper had a top 10 hit the turn of the millennium, then his jeans are on the racks of Value Village. Why pay half price for them at Winners when you can get them slightly leaned back in for only $5.00?

Let's look up above the pants racks and check out the shoes. Yep, nothing but old Goth boots.

Look for the greese in the buckles. That tells you the previous owner worked at McDonalds.

Heading over to to the shirts now... Woah, watch out for the lady with two shopping carts full of half the store (Does she only come here once a year or something?). She's buisy looking for her kids who are smashing toys against the floor in the back left corner. Anyway shirts...

Check it out, dragon shirts! All the colours of the rainbow.

White-trash love these shirts. It’s like, I got this party animal Hawaiian shirt thing going but the dragons also suggest I might know Kung-fu. Get your dragon shirt while you can as soon they will be replaced entirely with TapOut fight wear .

What else have we got? Hmmm, lots of shirts by bands no one wants to see.

(Hey, is that Vick Mackey on the left?)

And you just can’t leave Value Village without one of these.

They’ve got thousands of them. What better souvenir of your thrift store visit then a t-shirt from a movie with a scene in a thrift store!

If that scene wasn’t shot in a real thrift store then that is one of the most authentic recreations of a thrift store electronics section I have ever seen.

We will not be visiting the electronic section today. It is a sad and lonely place. The only reason to go there is if you’re looking to steal 45 centre pieces for your record player.

That reminds me: better check out the records before we go. At every Value Village you will find the following two records.

Glass Houses by Billy Joel

And Can’t Slow Down by Lionel Richie.

Track 8 is Hello. Remember the video for this when that blind girl makes that horrible bust of Lionel?

Apparently Lionel hated that head so much that he smashed it after the video was complete.

Special mention for repeat performances in the Value Village record section go to:

Whip Cream And Other Delights by Herb Alpert’s Tijuana Brass

And The Very Best of Mrs. Mills

Thus concludes your shopping tour of Value Village. Bring your purchases to the front and don’t forget to check out the glass display case at the counter for a look at some of their more high end items such as the non-working Goofy phone,

the Adventures of Bayou Billy Nintendo game system cartridge,

and the Jesus Is My Coach ornament

Thank you and come again.

P.S. I know the tour did not delve into the womens attire. I regret that that area remains a mystery to me. Although I have noticed that there is a lingerie section. The reason why is probably best not known.


Sonya said...

The 'serial killer' looks mysteriously like Pierre Trudeau.

Johnny said...

That's because it is Pierre Trudeau. There's some things about him you just won't learn in OAC Canadian History.