I've got it all figured out.

Friday, February 12, 2010

I Hate the Olympics.

The Winter Olympics start today. Whoopty –Doo! You know what I think about that?

That about sums it up.

I think I started hating the Olympics back in High School. I didn’t see why these athletes got all this money and support from their government and community to realize there dream. What if your dream was to become an actor or a musician or a porn star? Do you think you’d get time off school to train and government funding?

(Who would put this on their baby?)

I don’t really think that way anymore. I don’t care about the athletes or even the Olympics themselves. It’s more the people that get all into them that I can’t stand.

On the news they’re so excited you’d think Jesus was coming back with Elvis under one arm and Marilyn Munroe under the other. They’ve been talking about how many sleeps it is until the Olympics begins, like it’s Christmas and today they want everyone to wear red. (I never thought I’d get another chance to wear this so soon.)

There’s nothing worse then seeing a couple holding hands in matching Olympic wear. I saw one the other day and it made my head hurt just looking at them. Thank God the games are being played on the other side of the country because if I had to see that every day for 2 weeks…

Another thing that bothers me about the Winter Olympics is the events. Does anyone really like these sports? Does anyone regularly follow speed skating or luging or skeletoning . Do these sports even exist in a professional sense beyond Olympic qualification? Does anyone care if they do? Nope. Nobody does. Until the Olympics come around and then it’s I want my country to be the best at that weird sport I don’t know anything about and never watch. Wooo Hooo! Go Canada! Go!


So how could the Olympics become more appealing to me? Let’s think.

1) Three words: all nude Olympics.

Weren’t they all nude in the original Olympics in Rome? Well they should do it again. The uniforms the athletes wear are getting tighter and skimpier with every games. Get rid of them all together. The cold will make the athletes go faster and work harder and it would give new meaning to the term double helicopter in ski jumping.

2) More entries like this.

And this.

3) Let trained animals compete.

Did anyone see that show Man Vs Beast on Fox many years ago? It had like 50 midgets playing tug-o-war with an elephant and it had a hot dog eating completion between Japanese hot dog champ Kobayashi and a bear!

I can’t begin to tell you how much I love this.

4) Include more of those hopeless but amusing loser competitors like Eddie the Eagle and The Jamaican Bob Sled Team. Who doesn’t like Cool Runnings?

5) Go a step further and have an all untrained Olympics.

Look at all the great programming reality television has brought us by allowing regular schlubs to showcase their singing and dancing skills. Just take a bunch of morons off the street and say Ok, you’re going to Speed Skate, you’re going to luge and here’s some skis and a rifle you’re in the biathalon. It would be like a live action version of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Yes!

So there you go Olympic committee or Greek Gods or who ever oversees the Olympics 5 great ways to keep future Olympics from sucking. If you need more I’ll be in the tub.

P.S. Have you seen the medals they’re giving out this year?

Who designed these things, an 8 year old that lives near the train tracks?

P.P.S. On the subway platform today I heard someone say Happy Olympics to her friend as they said good bye. Happy Olympics??!! This is bullshit!

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