God Save the Corgis.

The Queen is coming to Toronto.

Not the Queen with the dead gay guy. The Queen of England Queen.

This one.

Not this one.

Now I know what you're thinking... Who gives a shit? I didn't give a shit either until someone pointed out that she's probably coming here to beg for money. You see the Queen currently gets 7.9 million pounds from the UK government but that amount has been the same for the past 20 years. Getting 7.9 million pounds to live off of in 2010 would be just fine if the Queen lived in a cardboard box and ate her own boogers (Fergie) but this is the Queen of England we're talking about. She has castles and servants and gold coaches pulled by corgis. She can't survive on 7.9 million pounds (for you Americans that aren't familiar with the British pound, 7.9 million is less then 16 Survivor wins).

File photo: America's Treasurer

The Queen went and asked Mummy and Daddy Britain for money and they said NO. Now she's coming to ask crazy Uncle Colony Canada and I hope we take a big swig of Molson and burp NO right in her face.

The Queen needs to figure out how to make ends meet. The Brits were always going on about how tough they had it during the war. How they had to rub gravy on their legs for stockings and eat animal guts (they'd still be doing both of those things if tanning beds didn't come along). So lets look at what's costing the Queen all this money and what she can do to rectify it.


Repairing her castles.

File photo: Queen's current residence.

The Queen has lots of castles and many of them need repairs. I'm assuming she kicks holes in them after watching England play in the world cup (because they suck). I think what she should do is repair them with Lego. It's all the rage right now.

It's got to be cheaper than antique stone. In fact she could probably get it for free as a good will gesture from Denmark. And it already comes in castle!

Plus Lego lasts forever. My parents still have Lego that I played with when I was a kid. She just needs to make sure that Prince Philip doesn't chew the antennas like my cousin did.

I say, I seem to have ruined another antenna do to this blasted oral fixation of mine. Oh bother!

Quail Eggs

I'm assuming that this is all the Queen eats. quail eggs are waaayyy more expensive then regular eggs.

How many people have even seen a quail never mind see it lay an egg?

Plus, quail eggs are so small that you have to eat 10 times as many. The solution? Stop eating them. They're disgusting anyway.

Instead eat hotdogs. They're way cheaper and they're more delicious.

Replacing Dead Corgis

The Queen loves Corgis. She has hundreds of them. But the Queen is also a busy woman. She has to sit in a room all day and people come in and meet her (old people complain that no one comes to visit them and they wish their life was like the Queen's. That's why they love her so much.) The only time she's allowed out is to stand on her balcony and wave or sit in the back seat of a Rolls Royce and wave while she's being transported to a different castle.

As a result her Corgis are neglected and die. But if she saw how much all these replacement Corgi's were costing her, surely she'd make the effort to take better care of the Corgis she already has. My suggestion? Feed them. You can feed them with one hand while you wave with the other.

Hotdogs are a delicious one-handed food that I'm sure Corgis would love.

Keeping the fact that you killed Lady Di a secret.


Somewhere in the rugged northern part of England there's an army base that is the Uk's Roswell. But instead of alien corpses and bent out of shape anal probes the UK's Roswell contains all the evidence that proves that the Monarchy killed Princess Diana. (for more on this speak to London's cab drivers and more outspoken homosexuals.) I'm sure that the Queen is spending thousands of pounds to employ a crack team of Royal Marines/MI5 to keep all this under wraps. And I don't even know how much those Men In Black Ipod Nanos that erase al their brains every day cost.

If it was cheap the DVD would come with one just so you might watch it again.

There's a simple solution to this. Burn it down. Keeping al this evidence of Di's assassination is the equivalent of some of some pervy school teacher keeping all the text messages of her laisons with her hairless lotharios. Trust me it happensl.


A pack of matches costs 5 cents at Beckers last time I checked (1986).

Just don't send Matt Pepper in to get them. We sent him in there to buy smokes in grade seven and he came out with ladies wine tipped port cigarillos. Send him in there for matches and he'd probably come out with two gummy big feet or one of those rolled up horoscopes.

Thanks Matt... close but no cigarillo.

I just think it's hilarious that a woman that once represented a monarchy that was so powerful that it could basically cut the head off of anyone that looked at them funny is now reduced to begging. She's basically a cross between this.





And this.





Maybe she should call up the only British icon that's more useless then her... Johnny Rotton. He still seems to find ways to make money.

Is that Rick or Mr. Dick?

Hello Folks. Rick Astley here.

You may recognize me from my hugely popular internet prank known as Rickrolling.

That’s where you think you’re going to see something cool or important like a naked lady. But instead you see this:



In honor of April Fool’s Day, Johnny Creep Show has asked me to come on here and introduce some of his favorite pranks from 80s movies. Now I can sing and dance in a trench coat like nobodies business but I’m not much of a talker. Being ginger makes me shy.

So without further ado, let’s see some 80s film pranks.

In Revenge of the Nerds, the nerds put liquid heat in the Alpha Beta’s jocks. (Hmm, this prank seems to sum up the entire title of the film).



Ha ha, that was a good one. Did you know that the dancer who runs up the wall and does a flip in my video wore a jock? I’m not sure why as he was so hung over during filming that he landed on his head and not his crotch, a little Ricktrivia for you there. Johnny also tells me that the part where Takashi Tosherio says, Oh! Like Salad! was not in the script. Well done Brian Tochi. You are quite the thespian

Nick the Dick from Bachelor Party is up next. I’ll have you know that back in 1987 some of the ladies referred to me as Rick the Dick. Sigh. Anyway here’s the video.

Bachelor Party - "Nick the Dick"

MaddenCowboy
MySpace Video

Ahhhh ha ha ha. Who orders a foot long hot dog at a strip club??!! Mind you, being from England I don’t know what a hot dog or a foot long is.

(You won’t fit a foot long on these.)

Here’s a gory gem. The blood and guts substitute teacher scareing prank from Summer School.



Ewww, gross. My wife Lene Bausenger is in the movie buis so I know a thing or two about special effects but that scene still gets Rick’s stomach rolling. Ha ha.

Now being an entertainer back in the 80s I was surrounded by gay men. I might even be gay myself. But apparently homophobia was as bad as ever back in the 80s and Mahone’s Blue Oyster bar prank from Police Academy makes great use of it. These two troublesome crew-cuted recruits think they’re going to a party. Instead they’re forced to dance all night with burly, mustachioed leather men. An instant classic.



For all you Torontonians out there, I’ll have you know that the outside Blue Oyster Bar scenes were filmed at The Silver Dollar on Spadina. I played the Kool Haus in Toronto last year. Good thing I didn’t ask Mahoney for directions or I’d be singing Together Forever while fox trotting with Freddie Mercury on steroids.

(Yikes!)

I know  Bob Clark's Ghost already posted this one not too long ago but Johnny says it wouldn’t be an 80s prank fest without it, the Pee Wee hooker prank from Porky’s. Think of it as being like my cover of Nat King Cole’s When I Fall In Love… something to be enjoyed over and over in all its manifestations.



Ha ha, wow. That Pee Wee fellow sure wants to get laid. He should have written Whenever You Need Somebody.

I didn’t need somebody for quite awhile after this came out, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink.

Last but not least Johnny has decided to throw us a curve ball. (He tells me that’s a baseball reference. Being English I asked him what baseball was. He started trying to tell me then we both fell asleep.) This next clip may not be from a comedy and may not have actually happened but neither did any of these other scenes when you really think about it and this is still a great prank… for a fat kid. The Barforama prank from Stand By Me.



Oh my, yuck. Johnny says that’s just reminded him of one of his favorite Garbage Pail Kids cards Barfin’ Barbara.

He says he likes how she’s reheating the barf and that he likes to think of her eating the hot barf and then barfing it up again. He also says he likes the idea of her possibly burning the roof of her mouth on her own hot barf. I’m not sure what Garbage Pail Kids are or what Johnny is talking about. In fact he kind of frightens me so I think it’s time to go. So long Creep Show readers.

Oh my one more thing. A bit of shocking late breaking news. It seems that  Pope Benedict the XVI has taken his own life as a result of this pedophilia scandle that’s been going on lately. Wow, didn’t see that coming. Rick Out.

Short stacks, wheelie poppers and freaks... the bell tolls for thee.

Hi, Johnny Creepshow here. We’ll return to The Regenerated Man shortly but first I want to talk to you all about something.

Computer generated imagery.

CGI has changed the way movies are being made, mostly for the better. Directors now have the tools to truly realize their cinematic dreams. Dreams like this:

Breath-taking.

However for some members of the film making community CGI has become a bane. Let’s take a minute to think about those that Hollywood has pushed aside to make way for technology.



Stuntmen

30 years ago you couldn’t make a decent action movie without stuntmen. Where else are you going to find someone with enough liquor and drugs in their system to decide that trying this is a good idea and still have the ability to pull it off?



With CGI they’re no longer needed. Instead of stunts being performed by someone as cool as the Fall Guy



They’re being designed by fat, sweaty nerds like this

I’ll have you know that Donald Gibb, the man that played Fred “The Ogre” Palowakski in Revenge of the Nerds was a stuntman

And we all now how he feels about nerds.



Creepy Looking Actors

What ever happened to guys like Vincent Schiavelli? He was Hollywood’s go-to guy when ever a film called for a creepy butler, odd ball priest or morbid mortician. I don’t think he’s seen work since Ghost. Now don’t get me wrong, Andy Serkis did a great job providing the voice and movements for Gollum in the Lord of the Rings trilogy

But Steve Buscemi could have done just as good a job and all he would have had to do was shave his head.

Come on Hollywood. I know you can dream up some pretty scary dudes with the latest CGI software but sometimes truth is scarier then fiction. Don’t believe me? Ask actor Michael Berryman.

Midgets

Hollywood used to be so kind to midgets. You couldn’t make a Sci-Fi movie without them. Hell, George Lucas was their patron saint. R2-D2 was a midget, the Jawas were midgets, the Ewoks were midgets, those little pig faced guys on Cloud City were midgets. Maybe it should be the other way around and George should be the one worshiping midgets because he never could have made any of the Star Wars movies without them. And don’t get me started on Willow.

So what does George do to repay midget actors for all their hard work? He flips them the big digital bird with his all CGI Star Wars prequels. And they sucked!

Now the great image of Kenny Baker’s R2-D2

has been washed away by the twisted image of hate that is Jar Jar Binks.

And where are all those proud Ewok midgets now? Penny-less and drunk as fuck on the Today Show!



And sorry to mention it again but what about the Lord of the Rings trilogy? Here was a perfect chance for midgets to be thrust into the spotlight again but no. They decide use regular sized actors and shorten them digitally. For shame Peter Jackson. For Shame. Come on Hollywood. Bring back the midgets. At the very least it will make this guy irrelevant.

So next time you’re watching a film and you see some great CGI special effect. Take pause and think of these movie misfits. Passed up for progress. Gone but not forgotten.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled movie The Regenerated Man already in progress.

Computers: Weird Science

Weird Science was on TV yesterday.

Safe to say that I watched it. When the Geek starts preaching, I have to take a pew.

Weird Science is a classic example of what people believed computers were capable of in the 80s. With the help of movies and television people thought that all you needed was enough geeky computer know-how and you could make a Commodore 64 do anything (this theory still exists today but it only pertains to the latest Apple product).

(Am I the only one that thinks having a giant iphone that isn’t even a phone is retarded?)

The whole magical computer thing was something that happened over and over in the 80s.

Revenge of the Nerds did it:

Electric Dreams did it:

And don’t even get me started on Automan:

It’s hilarious to see how computers have developed in television and movies over the past three decades. The 1980s computers were no better then a modern day calculator yet people believed they were capable of absolutely anything. All you had to do was mention the word hologram and people believed you could create anything out of thin fucking air.

In the 90s computers suddenly became important to everyone. That’s when it lost its wonder and became boring. We all had to sit through those dramatic 90s movies and TV shows with the suspenseful computer scenes.

I could also say something about the movie You’ve Got Mail but just thinking about it makes me throw up in my mouth a bit.

In the new millennium we went back to thinking computers were amazing again but being a bit more grounded about it. That’s because the technology finally came along that made the average computer capable of doing amazing things. Of course that technology is completely lost on all the people that thought computers were magic in the 80s. Now you have to sit around listening to parents say things like I barely know how to turn the thing on and my 5 year old son is uploading his own videos to Youtube Hahahahahahaha (x 5 other adults). 

Yep the 2000s have seen the movie computer become the tool of kids and teens, pretty much the same people that used it in the 80s. But today’s weird scientists are less science and more weird.

P.S. When I was a kid I watched that episode of Automan where he goes undercover as a stripper. After seeing that I decided that I wanted to be a stripper. I went into my room, dressed up as Zorro, came back downstairs and striped seductively to my underwear in front of my mom and my sister.

The Powder Blue Suit.

Who decided that the powder blue suit would be a good idea?

I’m convinced that this is a garment that was designed by Hollywood as an easy go-to costume for any nerd, geek, loser or retarded character. I don’t think it was ever worn by actual people I’ll show you what I mean.



Nerd



Takashi (the Japanease guy taking pictures of women’s crotches while saying “hair pie”) is sporting one.



Geek



Yes I know it’s a Parisian Night Suit and not quite the same but it’s still powder blue God Damn it!



Loser

Oh and just because I love it here’s the toilet scene from Dumb & Dumber too.

Retarded

For those that don’t know, this is Don Cherry. He’s a Canadian hockey commentator. I’m pretty sure he’s retarded. He’s also responsible for this:







So was there ever a time that the powder blue suit was fashionable? It must have been some brief four day period in the mid-seventies. After that it immediately became a symbol of the socially avoided.

Some time in 90s the powder blue suit didn’t so much evolve as take on new responsibilities. It became the hilarious great idea for dumb high school jocks to wear to prom:

I actually overheard a bunch of guys at my high school talking about how they were all going to dress like this and then show up in a rented U-Haul van. Way to test the Prom’s status as guaranteed action night guys (What am I saying? I’m sure girls just love it when you treat one of the most important nights of their life as a joke.)

You had to go there didn’t you buddy. She looks reeaall happy. I wonder why your face is now blurred out?



So I guess anyone that wears the powder blue suit as hip comedic irony is kind of an asshole and therefore can be included in the socially avoided category. Huh. I guess the power of the powder blue suit hasn’t changed at all. And in the immortal words of Forest Gump (Didn’t he wear a powder blue suit?):

“That’s all I’ve got to say about that.”

No it was kind of beige. Well I’m sure he would have worn one if that drugged up hippy bitch Jenny had married him in the 70s instead going off and getting disco AIDS and then coming crawling back to him. God I hated her.