I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Happy Groundhog Day!

The decision is unanimous. Earlier today Wiarton Willie, Shubenacadie Sam and Punxsutawney Phil all saw their shadows, heralding six more weeks of winter. (Pickering Pete is yet to check in I’m going to assume he was eaten by a hawk.)

RIP Pickering Pete.

It doesn’t matter anyways. There’s only one groundhog that really matters to me and that’s Wiarton Willie.

He’s Canadian, he’s albino and the old farts that bring him out wear the best get-ups.

I think those are Lions Club ceremonial robes.

If I got the chance to bring out Willie I’d wear platform shoes, a kilt and a long fur cape being held up by two midgets both wearing the same but with the addition of groundhog masks. Oh and I would have a big crown on my head that incorporated Willie’s presentation burrow. I would take my crown off and Willie would pop out of it like a magician’s rabbit and decide the eteorological fate of the world. The crown would also have a built in gyroscopic function that keeps Willie upright at all times regardless of wither the crown is on my head or I’m doffing it for the ceremony. Because keeping Willie upside down would be cruel.

Speaking of cruel, the PETA people think it’s cruel to use a real groundhog on Groundhog Day. They want to replace Puxatony Phil with a robot

You can’t do that. You would need to design a robot that could not only detect its own shadow but be afraid of it. Fear is an emotion. We all know what happens when you start giving robots emotions.

The Puxatony Philthousand went online February 2, 2010. He became sentient February 14th. Dunh dunh duhn duhnt dunh duhn duhn Duhnt…

Yep, we’re all going to die.

Maybe Pickering will take a hint from PETA and replace Pete with a robot. Do you know where Pickering get their power from?

The Pickering Nuclear Plant

Now if you have a robotic groundhog running around that’s nuclear powered and someone tries to do this:

It’s going to result in this:

And then we’re all going to die or end up looking like this:

So what say you now PETA? Would you rather be hunted down by robotic cyborg groundhogs with nuclear hearts that will explode and turn us all into mutants? I didn’t think so. So make way for next year’s Puxatony Phil protesters. These guys:

Yeah, they have a problem with this:

P.S. Has the term groundhog been made a gay subculture yet? I’m thinking really short bucktoothed hairy guys that are into glory-holes.

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