I've got it all figured out.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Short stacks, wheelie poppers and freaks... the bell tolls for thee.

Hi, Johnny Creepshow here. We’ll return to The Regenerated Man shortly but first I want to talk to you all about something.

Computer generated imagery.

CGI has changed the way movies are being made, mostly for the better. Directors now have the tools to truly realize their cinematic dreams. Dreams like this:


However for some members of the film making community CGI has become a bane. Let’s take a minute to think about those that Hollywood has pushed aside to make way for technology.


30 years ago you couldn’t make a decent action movie without stuntmen. Where else are you going to find someone with enough liquor and drugs in their system to decide that trying this is a good idea and still have the ability to pull it off?

With CGI they’re no longer needed. Instead of stunts being performed by someone as cool as the Fall Guy

They’re being designed by fat, sweaty nerds like this

I’ll have you know that Donald Gibb, the man that played Fred “The Ogre” Palowakski in Revenge of the Nerds was a stuntman

And we all now how he feels about nerds.

Creepy Looking Actors

What ever happened to guys like Vincent Schiavelli? He was Hollywood’s go-to guy when ever a film called for a creepy butler, odd ball priest or morbid mortician. I don’t think he’s seen work since Ghost. Now don’t get me wrong, Andy Serkis did a great job providing the voice and movements for Gollum in the Lord of the Rings trilogy

But Steve Buscemi could have done just as good a job and all he would have had to do was shave his head.

Come on Hollywood. I know you can dream up some pretty scary dudes with the latest CGI software but sometimes truth is scarier then fiction. Don’t believe me? Ask actor Michael Berryman.


Hollywood used to be so kind to midgets. You couldn’t make a Sci-Fi movie without them. Hell, George Lucas was their patron saint. R2-D2 was a midget, the Jawas were midgets, the Ewoks were midgets, those little pig faced guys on Cloud City were midgets. Maybe it should be the other way around and George should be the one worshiping midgets because he never could have made any of the Star Wars movies without them. And don’t get me started on Willow.

So what does George do to repay midget actors for all their hard work? He flips them the big digital bird with his all CGI Star Wars prequels. And they sucked!

Now the great image of Kenny Baker’s R2-D2

has been washed away by the twisted image of hate that is Jar Jar Binks.

And where are all those proud Ewok midgets now? Penny-less and drunk as fuck on the Today Show!

And sorry to mention it again but what about the Lord of the Rings trilogy? Here was a perfect chance for midgets to be thrust into the spotlight again but no. They decide use regular sized actors and shorten them digitally. For shame Peter Jackson. For Shame. Come on Hollywood. Bring back the midgets. At the very least it will make this guy irrelevant.

So next time you’re watching a film and you see some great CGI special effect. Take pause and think of these movie misfits. Passed up for progress. Gone but not forgotten.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled movie The Regenerated Man already in progress.

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