I've got it all figured out.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Grrrawwwwrrr! Wear a rubber.

Hey losers,

Long time since I rapped with ya. Around here at The Creepshow I usally like to keep things pretty clean

(1958-2009 RIP)

But today I want to talk to you all about a subject that’s got Canadians (well, Ontarians really) in an uproar.

Today I want to talk to you all about sex education (pulls up a chair and sits on it backwards). You see the government of Ontario recently came up with a plan to change Ontario schools’ sex education teaching. They want to start sex ed earlier. From Grade 1 on to be exact. That means 6 year olds would be learning sex ed. Why not go a step further with these?

It would be a gradual program that goes something like this:

Grade 1 kids would be taught to identify different genitalia and use the correct words for them such as vagina, penis and testicles. (Today’s fast paced texting, internet, iPhone youth don’t have time for all that so they just use the all encompassing phrase Junk).

(I bet she uses the right words.)

I don’t know why they’d bother. I’d assume most kids are taught this when they’re potty trained. Although I suppose no woman wants to wind up in bed with some guy that still calls it his dinky

Oh Baby! You turn me on… oh my dinky… OH My DINKY.

Grade 3 kids would learn about same sex families. I’m assuming that would involve watching episodes of My Two Dads.

Grade 5 kids will be taught to identify different parts of the reproductive system and about the changes the body goes through during puberty. The girls will no doubt receive a Growing Up Skipper Doll.

And the boys will be getting a little talk from this kid.

By Grade 7 kids will finally be ready to grasp the concepts of avoiding pregnancy (jump up and down) and avoiding infectious diseases (don’t sleep with this guy).

(But mom… he has a tattoo!)

They also learn about vaginal lubrication (riding in a Corvette) and oral and anal sex. I don’t think anyone needs to be taught about anal sex. I think if that’s something your interested in then your welcome to discover it on your own time. Maybe just a word of warning. There’s poo in there!

As of today this new program has been pulled by the Ontario Government for retooling because too many parents and religious groups complained.( Religious groups have their own way of teaching sex ed as we’ve all found out). So for now it’s back to the original program that everyone says is out dated because it hasn’t been updated in 12 years. Well it’s still not as old as most kids’ dads’ nudie mag collection.

It’s a good thing the morality squad hasn’t seen what the Middlesex-London, Ontario Health unit is doing to promote sex education to kids. They’ve created an online game called Adventures in Sex City.

You get to pick from one of the 4 super heroes you see above. They are clockwise from top left:

Willy the Kid - He seems to be modeled after Mr. T but with a bigger bag of garbage downstairs. The game says his super power is rock hard strength.

Captain Condom – He apparently was a scientist who had a freak accident while trying to create the perfect condom. Now he’s half man and half condom. He also spends his free time handing out condoms.

Power Pap – She’s sexually active!

Wonder Vag – She is a virgin and promotes abstinence. I also think a good way to promote abstinence is to walk around in a pink mini skirt and hooker boots.

Once you’ve picked your weird/creepy hero you get to do battle wit the evil Sperminator (that would be the guy with dicks for arms in the Mexican wrestling mask). He fires sperm loads at you from his dick arms (I’m not making this up go play and see). You defeat him by answering sex ed trivia questions correctly. Answer right and you block his man’s milk with a giant condom. Answer wrong and his baby batter splatters all over you and you say things like Ahh, right in the face and I’m gonna need a shower.

I’ll tell you who really needs sex education. Guys in high risk porno-character type jobs. Guys like mailmen, plumbers, pool cleaners, and pizza delivery guys.

Do you think they carry around rubbers? You know just in case. Oh well, that’s all for now. I wanted post that SNL sketch Wong and Owens: Ex-Porn Stars to compliment my musings on wither porno job guys think porno scripts might be based on fact but it’s only on Hulu. So instead here’s one of my favorite Bill Brasky sketches. Smell ya later. Oh and if you’re gonna bum jam anyone this weekend, where a rubber.

Watch Bill Brasky-Brasky Buddies in Entertainment  
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