I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

3D: the man, the plan & Calibos' spray tan.

I love watching movies but I hate going to the movies. That’s because the movie theatres are full of annoying disgusting teens.

I hate the way the male ones shuffle and shove each other in line. Calling guys they hate bitches and girls they like bitches.

(They should hand these out at prisons.)

I hate the way the female ones shriek when they see one another and that they actually display attraction to the male ones. When you’re in the theatre with them there’s this permeable stench of raw pubescence marred in a swamp of sample size fragrances. I wouldn’t be surprised if after a block buster weekend there was pubic hair growing on the theatre walls. They should get a bunch of balding guys in there to see if it has any effect.

(Front row before and after sitting through the opening weekend of Saw IV.)

And finally when the movie’s over you have to endure the mass calling of the parents to come pick them up followed by the drawn out, awkward good-bye rituals. It’s like spending 2 hours of your life in a Zits cartoon.

That’s why I was so happy to see signs that the theatre industry was dying out. Soon new movies would be released straight to DVD and I could enjoy them in the comfort of my own home right away. Which would be great as I’m having a very hard time enjoying the current crop of straight to DVD releases.

Then movie theatres decided to fight back. They turned to  Hollywood and said,  What do we do? We’ve tried everything to get people to come see your crappy movies on the big screen but they’d rather wait a month and own it on Blue Ray. Hollywood thought about it for a moment (while doing a line of cocaine and getting a blow job) and said (or twittered), Well when we run out of ideas we just take an old one and redo it. Hell that’s all we’ve been doing for the past 20 years or so. Our well of originality is drier then this blow job.

(See? Seeeeee!)

So that’s what movie theatres did. They teamed up with Hollywood and came up with a brand new concept. Three dimensional movies!

Does it make the movies better? No. It makes them worse, much worse. Now people will see anything as long as it’s in 3D. It’s like the first time I experienced HD television and found myself watching lady wrestling just to marvel at the detail of their meaty, veiny arms and legs. Or I’ll give you an even better example. The new Clash of the Titans movie.

I loved the old Clash of the Titans and even though its special effects were essentially claymation it was still better then this piece of shit.

In the new Clash of the Titans they don’t even fight the giant Scorpions, they ride them around like horses. That’s bullshit! And that creepy guy with the frizzy hair and the bad spray tan…

The one that kind of looks like our old mayor Mel Lastman.

Yeah, that’s Calibos. One time I found a Calibos action figure out of the package at Zellers.

(It was just like this but this is in the package.)

The Zellers manager said that if no one claimed him in a month I could come back and keep him. Well guess what? No one did. Free Calibos for Johnny!

I won’t be finding any Calibos figures out of the package for the new movie though. He’s not even in it! Once again, bullshit. I’ll tell you who is in it though. Sam Worthington as Perseus.

(Doesn’t look anything like him. Where’s his 'fro?)

His previous works include Avatar, Terminator Salvation and Rogue. He also can’t act his way out of a wet paper Mad TV sketch. I think it’s because his past films have relied so heavily on CGI that he’s never actually been on set with another human being. You know who they should have gotten to play Perseus. This guy.

Casey Siemaszko! He’s Polish which is a lot closer to Greece then Australia. He was in Stand By Me so he knows all about epic quests and most importantly he played 3D in Back to the Future.

Considering all the research he probably had to do for a character whos entire personality was based on wearing 3D glasses, Casey has probably forgotten more about the technology then Sam Worthington will ever know.

(I’ll bet he had a hand in this Jaws 19 bit from Back to the Future Part II as well.)

Sigh. Oh well. Maybe I’ve been a little hard on the youth of Today. I mean Casey Siemaszko was a teenager once. And at least today’s teens are only wearing their 3D glasses in the theatre. They’re not wearing them while riding around with Butch, beating up kids from the future and calling black people Spooks

And maybe I’ve been a little hard on modern movies too. I’m hardly what you would call a critic. All my favorite movies were made 25 years ago and were considered as terrible then as they are now. Hell even Bachelor Part had a scene in a 3D theatre.

Maybe I’m just grumpy because this post is so long and retarded. I know what will make me great… a trip to Pizza Hut!

Mmmm, future grease. Smell you later guys.

P.S. I hope they never have Sarah Jessica Parker star in a 3D movie. Can you imagine that hatchet face coming at you? Brrrrrrr.

No comments: