I've got it all figured out.

Friday, April 16, 2010

A brief history of animal weaponry and Patrick Swayze

I read that this guy was charged with assault for hitting someone with a snake.

He kind of looks like Axl Rose.

Axl Rose was arrested for verbally abusing an airport employee. Not for hitting someone with a snake. I wouldn’t be surprised if Axl has been hit with a snake though. Slash has lots of snakes and he hates Axl.

In the middle ages they used to load diseased animals into catapults and fire them into enemy castles. This was they very first use of biological warfare and possibly the first use of animal weaponry. Montey Python (Hey, a python is a snake!) touched on it in the Holy Grail.

That one scene was so popular that they now have a Monty Python farm animal/catapult toy set.

I don’t have one because I’m not a huge nerd and I am against all farm toys.

(This is bullshit!)

I’ll tell you what I do have though, Point Break on VHS!

It includes this amazing scene of animal weaponry.

Now if they made a pit bull throwing Bodhi toy I would be all over that like stink on a monkey. Saddly there doesn’t seem to be any Patrick Swayze action figues available at all. All I could find was this watch.

And I’m not even sure it’s real. How can there be no Patrick Swayze action figures. They could do a whole range based on his movies.

Roadhouse Patrick - with button activated kicking leg and removable shirt.

Dirty Dancing Patrick – with swivel grinding hips and removable shirt.

Ghost Patrick – with interchangeable Whoopi Goldberg head and removable shirt (Bonus: Glows in the Dark!)

I could go on and on but I digress. Today the new animal weapon is the dolphin. The military is training them to be super soldiers.

(This one has a flipper laser or chat cam or something.)

These dolphins will really come in handy when Al Qaeda and the Taliban run out of things on land to suicide bomb and start blowing them selves up under water.

And you know the future of animal weaponry can only lead to one thing…..


And when that happens you know we’re going to be seeing a lot of these.

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